If you're going through hell...

[TheManInTheMirror]

I'm quickly typing this before I leave for work so please bear with me for any missed details.

Quick bio on me: Open minded, optimist that is totally against any sort of fighting or disagreement to the point I will leave the room if I see other people fight. When I was a kid my parents would fight a lot (they still do) and I would always hide in my room covering my ears until they were done. I now am highly self destructive in a somewhat different way. I do drugs, but only after extensive research and in safe situations. I live in a small town of around 6000 people and only do substances or extremely stupid stuff outside of town. I smoke socially, but have the self control to do so rarely enough and I always make sure to remove any hint of smell from myself. I am extremely social, am very involved in extra-ciricualars (such as model UN, Mock Trial, and Academic deathlon) but do very poorly in school (barely passing). I've only smoked weed twice and that was several years ago but people tell me I have a stoner personality.

My dad is completely the opposite. He puts glenn beck up there with god. He watches those ghost hunter shows like they're a religion. He owns enough guns to stock a small infantry and is extremely republican.

We never get along.

There are times that he won't even look at me when he is talking to me. He is almost always unhappy. The only time he acts happy is if he is outside of the house and has to be in a good mood.

I'm completely the opposite. He tries to pick fights with my mother and I for almost any reason. He asked me if I had filled out the scholarship application for my college that I had been accepted to and I told him that I had planned to do it on break, either today or tomorrow, and he kept going back onto me raising his voice and I kept calmly telling him that I planned on doing it as soon as possible. My mother and I were talking once and what we had seen as examples of how closed minded he is were the same.

And it keeps getting worse. My dad is a part time police officer in a nearby town and on the sheriff reserves in my town. He loves those jobs. He also has close ties to all of the law enforcement in my town. Whenever there is a hint of me doing anything illegal or unsavory he freaks out on me about how he would have to quite all of that like everyone will judge him forever about something I did. I've never been arrested and I'm the one in whichever group I maybe in that makes sure that we don't get caught and I never have been.

And worse... I'm a gay male. Something that really goes against everything he beleives. Several weeks ago I texted him that I was gay and he freaked on me (understandable) about how I was making a lifestyle choice and so on so forth. I haven't brought the topic back up with him yet. If this was a choice I would never choose to be gay. And I don't plan on making it a lifestyle. Yet I know we would have some all out arguement if I were to tell him that. I plan on telling my mother soon, and the public (only a few other close friends know) after I finish my eagle scout project because I know I'll be kicked from the boy scouts and I don't want to be known for leaving a project half done behind.

It feels better to type this all out but I have no idea on how to make my father see the world in a different perspective. I'm going to be 18 in four months I'd like to have a good relationship with my father that isn't made up of me trying 24/7 to avoid him.

Yea missed that. I do everything I can to avoid my father. I work around 35 hours a week and I usually try to be gone when he's home and I do everything I possibly can to avoid being around him, especially alone.

[Chris.]

I have no idea on how to make my father see the world in a different perspective. I'm going to be 18 in four months I'd like to have a good relationship with my father that isn't made up of me trying 24/7 to avoid him.

This is what you need to tell him. You seem to be a very bright and very realistic person - so you know what is right and what is wrong which is very good for a situation like this. I think the best thing that needs to be done here is the Communication. Look, you seem to have a good life ahead of you - You got accepted into college, have a job, have good friends you can open up too, seem to have a decent mother, and you know that its only right to try to get to know you father. So don't always block out the positive and focus on the negative. You need to communicate with you dad (although its going to be extremely hard). Trust me, it wont happen fast - it will take time. I think the first thing you need to tell him is that you want to not have to avoid him anymore - you want him in your life. If he is any kind of father he will realize that thats all a person wants, a father and mother figure and he may not change he perspective, but hopefully he will open up to you more. Then after you guys start building up the relationship, start telling him other things. Like I said, this will take awhile - but you and I both know its worth it.


Best wishes,
Chris

[TheManInTheMirror]

So yesterday at lunch my dad had tried to start something dealing with how my scholarship paper wasn't done. When he realized thar he was unable to start anything he stormed out of the house to work. When icame home from work (around 10pm) he wasnt home and my mom told me that he basically blamed a bunch of stuff on me. I went up stairs and tried to get to sleep before he came home but i recall hearing yelling. It fells like im fighting a koosing battle where nothing i do is right and anything i say will be grounds for an arguement.

[Chris.]

And that might be the case - but you have three choices:

1) you talk to him like I said and communicate with him.

2) you just go on trying to avoid him.

3) You move out

Those are all the choices you really have - and I really don't think #3 is a good one. I would attempt #1 first, then if he refused to change or try I would go with #2 and buckle down until you leave for college. - luckily at college you should get some peace.



Best wishes,
Chris