Triggering (SH): Telling mom about it...

[Childish Giggle]

I managed to go 2 weeks without cutting. For the past 1 week, I was having terrible cutting urges. And last night I gave in to them. It started with mom telling me that she'll take away my laptop and mobile tonight as I had been spending a lot of time on them. They are the distractions I use when I feel like cutting. And its holidays now and nights are the worst time for me. I gave in half an hour after that and cut again. I was terrified about what I'd do at night without these. So I thought maybe now is the time to tell her.
Here's what I'd thought of writing to her-
Mom, I can't do this anymore on my own. I know I need professional help. I've known it for years now. I know you tried your best to protect me from getting to this stage, but how long were you expecting me to keep it all to myself and still be fine? How long did you expect me to hide everything from the world? See how good I hid it, everyone thinks my smiles are real, my happiness is real, even I had started believing that they are real in between. But I realized that they are not. It is just what was taught to me from the start. "Don't tell anyone about what is going on at home". I didn't. And I have mastered it now. Even if someone asks me about it, I can't tell it now. I am too used to keeping everything to me. I can't even tell you anything. Don't take away the laptop tonight please, I won't me able to stop my cutting urges without it. I am not threatning you to stop you from taking it. I am just telling you that these are my distractions to keep me from abusing my body. You always tell me that you can tell if I am doing something wrong, yes you can tell something is wrong write now, but internet is not it mom!! Its a distraction to keep me from doing wrong!!!!! I am sorry mom."

This sounds so terribly selfish! SO SELFISH! I can't tell her this. If I have found it difficult to keep everything buried inside me, then it has been a thousand times more difficult. She has had to bear that man more than me. She is the one who has slept with the fear of not waking up the next day, not me. She is the one who has given away her life to give one to her children and had them not value it at times. Now I can't tell her this after that.
The last thing I did before falling asleep was cry. And the first thing I did this morning was cry again. Now my tears won't stop. I have been crying continuously for hours now!
Ever since I cut last night, I have been snapping at everything. She can see that but she can't see why. My laptop was taken this morning. I am using my brother's laptop right now. She knows I am doing something on the laptop that I don't want her to know about. I have been snapping at her all day. And I can't take it anymore. I just want to cut. Cutting is my way of telling the world, asking them, if they still think I am happy! If they still think that that smile is real! It is my way of doing something about my helplessness!
The only way I can get through this is by telling her. Ant I won't be able to see her cry if I tell her. It will kill me. And I can't type anymore.

[exoticturtle]

I'm pretty sure you can see it, and that your really only option left us to tell her. Yeah, there are other ways to write that to your mother but I think the best thing is now to print off that note and give it to her. What you wrote isn't selfish, it is exactly how you're feeling now and I think that's what's best for your mom to see. As you said, hiding what you really want to say would be bottling up emotions and that will do more harm than good. I admire you for your bravery to be able to give that to your mum. I really hope she is understanding and may give you help <3

[Chris.]

I agree - the only option you have is to communicate with her. I like the letter - but at the end I would again say that I need help - because you do. You cant change your life to make it wrap around you phone and computer - you need help from a consoler so that you can improve not only for the present time but for the future. You need to do what is best for you and that is telling your mom that you need help with this - and for a temporary solution you need your lab top until you schedule appointments with a professional and get help.

Communication is #1 - and this letter will be the Start of you getting help and living a happier and healthier life.


Best wishes,
Chris

[Childish Giggle]

But you are missing the point here. It sounds so friggin selfish!! I can't put her through this!

[exoticturtle]

I do totally get what you mean... I would really hate to tell my mum something like that as well. But it's the best option - communicating this to her is less selfish than not communicating at all... which leaves absolutely no room for the situation to improve. Though your mom may be hurt by what you say in the letter, it should lead to you both understanding each other better and more able to communicate your feelings to each other in the long term, as well as professional support for yourself. Best of luck <3