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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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laceyjoanna Offline
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Name: Lacey Joanna
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Unhappy Me and My mom. - December 31st 2011, 06:02 PM

My mom has been smoking cigarettes for 23 years now and so has my dad. I've lived with them my whole life, I'm 14 now. Well, my mom and dad decided they were going to stop, so I was proud of me because I've wanted them to for a long time. So, when they told me that I was happy. The 3rd of January will be a month since they quit. Although, they fell through by taking puffs. Well, i found out that they've been hiding it from me. So, i wanted to confront my parents about it, because it hurt that they did that. I thought the world of them, when they said they was gonna quit. but, they are mad at me because i tried to talk to them. She won't talk to me about this, she yells at me ,or just gets angry. I cried yesterday, i want her to be around to see me in the future, but if she doesn't straighten up then she may not be here much longer, she's 39 and shes been smoking since she was 16. My dad is 56 and hes in really bad shape now, so he's in the same position. I want them to be around, but i can't change their minds. My mom and dad is choosing cigarettes over me. I feel betrayed and forgotten.but, its hurting me too by being around them smoking. But, they wont listen. Is there certain words or phrases i should say to them so they'll listen to me? Should i feel this way? How should i overcome this?


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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
laceyjoanna Offline
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Re: Me and My mom. - December 31st 2011, 06:57 PM

Its really complicated..
There's a lot more than that to the story..
I hope ya'll understand what i'm trying to say.


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Re: Me and My mom. - December 31st 2011, 07:31 PM

Hi there,

I know how you're feeling. My dad is 41 and has been smoking for over 25 years. He's been in and out of the hospital with bronchitis and heart issues. It scares me everytime but it hasn't quite hit him yet that he needs to quit in order to stay alive. My grandfather is 62 and was a smoker up until 10 years ago when he quit because he was diagnosed with emphysema and COPD on top of asthma. He now has daily issues breathing and he takes oxygen treatments and different inhalers daily. I'm scared everytime my dad lights up a cigarette that he's going to end up like my grandfather. But of course, an addiction is an addiction and sometimes people just don't see the true harm in "one little cigarette". Many people in my life smoke. My mom, my grandmother (grandfather's wife!), my aunt, my friends, and the list can go on for days! It's really hard to watch all of these people I love waste their money and health on such a stupid addiction, especially after seeing what it does to my grandfather.

After spending nearly 10 years trying to convince my family and friends to quit smoking, I realized that the only person who can convince them to stop is themselves. They have to witness first hand that smoking will result in health problems and bad teeth (my mom has bad teeth). Do your parents smoke in front of you? If so, maybe you can try telling them that you are having an issue with secondhand smoke. Start coughing when they smoke and tell them that you'd prefer your lungs not recieve that junk. That you'd prefer to be healthy. If they don't smoke in front of you, then I suggest you try to remind them of the health risks and tell them you want them around as long as possible for your future.

It's completely normal that you feel like this. I don't think there's anything wrong with caring about your parent's health and wanting them to be there for you. But like I said, sometimes the best thing to do is to keep telling them how much you care about them and don't want them to get sick. Maybe you could even look up stories about people who got sick from cigarettes and show them to your parents (feel free to tell them my grandfather's if you'd like).

Ultimately, no matter what you do; your parents are going to make their own decisions and they're not going to let a 14 year old control what they want to do. However, you can INFLUENCE their decisions.

I hope I helped a little bit. Try to take it easy and don't let the lie hurt you too much. They just wanted to make you proud but they couldn't exactly hold up so they didn't tell you the truth. They love you and care about your feelings... it's just about time they cared about themselves.


-Brittany
   
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laceyjoanna Offline
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Re: Me and My mom. - December 31st 2011, 09:11 PM

Thank you.
They are trying too quit but they have been sneaking into another room to do it. So, they don't do it in front of me because they know i want them to quit. My mom has bad depression (so do i) and my dad has bipolar (so do i) but they believe it helps. But, see my mom says there's more stuff she can be doing (drugs, alcohol,pills, etc.). She doesn't think its hurting anything for her to smoke a cigarette every once and a while. She said, "if she's gonna have to be miserable and not have a cigarette then i'm gonna be miserable too." but, i don't want to sit around and watch her life to go up in smoke and be miserable. Because then it makes it worse on me. I don't know.


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Re: Me and My mom. - December 31st 2011, 09:16 PM

I can't say that a lot of people in my life smoke, but my cousin is a heavy chain smoker. She's one of the most important people in my life and I would love to see her quit, especially after the emphysema scare that she had. Because of that, I kind of understand what you are going through.

Like Brittany said, your parents are going to make their own decisions. Unfortunately, people with addictions don't always see the harm that their choices are causing to them OR to their loved ones. They only see the things that it brings to them, not what it takes away from them.

That being said, quitting anything is hard. If they tried to quit cold turkey, it's understandable that they fell back a little bit. One of the best things you can do for them is to be supportive. Show them that you care about them and let them know that you would really like to see them get back on a healthy lifestyle. Instead of being angry with them when they fail, let them know how proud you are when they make it for a while without smoking. Ask them to be open and honest with you, as well.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way that you're feeling right now. Just try not to let it continue to hurt you or cause you to feel resentment towards your parents. They're only human and they will make mistakes. Like I said before, the best thing that you can do for them is to support them and let them know that you're willing to do what you can to help.

Also, if your mom doesn't think there is anything wrong with it, show her some statistics. Brittany's suggestion to share stories about others who have had health problems because of cigarettes is a great one. Basically, just find legit ways to show her that cigarettes are still harming her body, even if they aren't as bad as drugs.

Feel free to PM me if you ever need to vent some more about this or anything else.



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