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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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justmeg Offline
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Name: Meg
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worth it? - January 7th 2012, 03:14 AM

i think i might have posted about this before, but i've been struggling with how to deal with who used to be one of my closest friends.

over the course of the past year or so, a lot of shit has gone down with her spending less and less time with the friends who have been there for her for the past 5 years (i remember talking her through more than one nervous breakdown and have always taken the time to listen when she has a problem) and more time with her boyfriend. please do no assume that it's jealousy, it's really not. i'm glad she's dating someone other than her douchebag of an ex, but i am also deeply hurt at how a lot of the past year played out.

i tried numerous times trying to talk her out of an abusive relationship and urging her to realize that her staying with her now ex was an unhealthy choice because she was clearly not happy, regardless of how much she tried to convince herself that she was. when she finally broke up with him i got us concert tickets for a few weeks later partly because i really liked the band and partly because i thought she could use a fun girls night out. i confirmed with her before i paid for the tickets and thought we were all set to go until the day of the concert when she texted me saying that she just wasn't feeling like going out and that she just wanted to stay home and be miserable for the night. again, i tried to talk her out of it, insisting that a night out would do her a world of good. she stood firm and i finally let it go. i was really upset because i had been looking forward to getting to spend a night out with her for a while. a few days later she told me that she was secretly seeing her ex and let it slip that the had actually gone to the movies with him on the night of the concert. kind of a punch in the gut, me going out on a limb to cheer her up and get her out of the house only to find out that she straight up lied to me about not wanting to go to the concert and then revealing the truth (whether she meant to or not) that she ditched me for her ex. i tried to play it off and figured that she'd be ok once they had re-broken up a few weeks later.

since then, we've talked sporadically at best. she called me one random night to tell me about this guy she met and was hanging out with - nothing official, just them talking. i was glad she found someone who wasn't an abusive jerk, but she said they were just friends for the time being. after talking to her that one night, i don't think i've really heard from her at all. even at our friends' get-togethers she barely said a word to me. (keep in mind we used to be best friends - i told her shit that no one else knew) at one of our friends' houses she was telling us about her boyfriend (the guy she told me about). not that she needs to report to me, but it was kind of shocking to hear that she was in a relationship again. aren't friends supposed to tell each other things like that? even if i hadn't reached out to her, if i were in a relationship, i'd let her know as i'm sure it's something she'd like to hear. again, i was hurt.

more recently, at a little christmas party at the same friend's house, all of our high school friends were catching up on everything, seeing as we hadn't really seen each other or talked to each other since the last break we were all home from school. i noticed that she didn't put her phone down all night. and i mean all night. even when we were playing games she was sitting there texting her boyfriend (whose house she had been at all day prior to the party). i wanted to say something to her to the effect of the point of this party being to catch up with friends, not text someone who you had just spent a good 6 hours with.

it's basically gotten to the point where half of me wants to talk to her about all this shit and try to fix things that might have broken over the past year or so but the other half of me just wants to throw my hands up and say "fuck it, it's not worth the drama and fighting since she obviously doesn't seem to want to change anything." it's rough because i'm trying to cut unnecessary drama out of my life but at the same time i still consider her a friend. i know i can't tell her what to do, but i want her to realize that her life does not need to revolve around some guy she just met and that it's ok to hang out with us (her friends) and not text him for a few hours. i'm having a really hard time forgiving her for lying to me about the concert, but it's something i really want to move past.

any suggestions/comments/anything? 'twould be much appreciated
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Re: worth it? - January 7th 2012, 11:34 AM

Hey Meg
I'm really sorry that your friend is treating you like this, I know how much this sucks, especially after all you've done to help her. Despite anything she might be going through, she should not be treating you like that! I'd definitely talk to her, she may not realise the effect her behaviour has on you. If she doesn't listen or doesn't change her behaviour, you can either try and get someone else to talk to her who may be able to get through to her, or you can just make her an acquaintance in your life. No one deserves to be treated like that, and I really hope you can continue your friendship with her, as having to end a friendship can be quite hurtful for awhile. Best of luck! I hope this helps.
   
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