My dad crossed the line...

[Brandon]

Background:

I live with my dad, but he lives with his grandparents. Basically, I live with my grandparents. My dad has no authority over me, but he's power hungry. He wants dominance against me, but he missed his chance. I look at him more like an older brother that hates everything I do just to piss me off. I'm 21 years old. My dad doesn't have a job, while I have a job and attending school.

Situation:

I ordered a legal stun gun on Amazon, and it was out for delivery yesterday. When I got home from school, I anticipated it to be on the front porch or on my bed. I looked for my package, and my dad started arguing with me because I had clothes all over the place when an unexpected guest shows up when I was at work. My dad said that he hid my package until I cleaned my room.

I take my privacy very seriously. I'm 21 years old; even though I live with my grandparents, I have personal property that is legally mine. I pay for my car and car insurance, so my dad cannot take my keys away from me. I paid for my computer, so he cannot take anything from my computer but he can disconnect the internet. The stun gun was something that I purchased, and is therefore my personal property. Hiding the package is a violation of personal property, and therefore against the law because I am over the age of 18.

Immediately, I went to his room. He said it wasn't in there, and that I would find it if I cleaned my room. Obviously, he anticipated at this point for me to clean it so I could find it...but instead, I threatened to call the cops. Even if he wanted to get me to clean my room, it's still my personal property that was violated, and that shit doesn't do well with me. Eventually, I was about to call the cops and he called me a "crybaby," and showed me where the package was.

At this point, I have no respect for him. I'm willing to go out of my way to say that I absolutely hate my own father. We haven't got along for several years, but this further supports why I don't like him.

He was amazed that I would call the cops on him, and I was amazed that he would invade my personal property and not expect retaliation.

I heard a conversation he had with his best friend over the phone, and he was discussing ways that he could establish dominance. He even considered trying to throw me out of the house, but he knows that he can't do that. Even his own mother considers me the victim. She'd probably throw him out before she throws me out.

He said that he "hoped and prayed" that I would apologize to him for threatening to call the cops, and cleaning my room more often. I see no point in apologizing; if anything, he should apologize to me. I've called the cops on my mom in 2003, and it was the right thing to do. I'll do the same thing if it's to protect my personal belongings. I didn't live 21 years to have my shit trampled on.

Still, I'm not sure what I should do at this point. I know that I should clean my room more often, not to obey him, but to keep him from putting his hands on my shit. Is that all I should do? Talking to him is out of the equation...been there, done that.

[*Learningtobreathe*]

I think it is right to establish boundaries. And i think he did cross the line by taking something u bought. If he wanted you to clean ur room he should have just asked you.

[Chris.]

I know this feeling - and I am also a very private person. I would get a lock on your door that only you have the key too. If they refuse to let you have a lock on your door - then I would get a motion detector that alarms when someone comes it and the alarm wont stop ringing until the alarm is on 'ready' (this will annoy anyone who comes in). Simple things like this will help keep your stuff private. Now as for the boxes (when you order) make sure you require the 'signature'. What that means is the box has to be signed for (and in the name of the person who bought it). Meaning your dad cant sign for it - only YOU can, thus he cant get your boxes. Just a few ideas.



Best wishes,
Chris

[OMFG!You'reActuallySmart!]

I have a different view, have you tried to assert dominance or manipulate him? I don't see his actions as manipulative nor establishing dominance, instead I see it as acting like a silly child, so if I were in your shoes, I would begin calling him baby names and cooing to him. Either he'll do the same back or eventually get annoyed. Once the latter occurs, don't stop, rather step it up, such as offer to comb his hair for him. As he gets angrier or more annoyed, make a joke that he's a little baby who soiled itself and with a bit of force, start changing his "diaper". If at any point he tells you where the package is, don't go to it, instead say something like, "no no, I won't leave you, it's more important that I stay with my little baby because he's getting cranky, let's go to your room together sweetie".

The above paragraph is one of the many ways he (or you) would assert psychological dominance because from personal experience, if you do it long enough the person will obey and take the position of being an infant. Threatening to call the cops wasn't an act of being a cry-baby because to me, it was showing a) you're avoiding direct confrontation as there's a high chance it will get aggressive and b) you're not playing any game including his. On the other hand, his actions were just lazy because he couldn't be bothered to ask you to clean your room and if the sight of it was so unbearable for the guest, then he can close your door. Taking the package does nothing for him other than annoying you.

[BDF]

Cops from my experience do very little anyway, and almost certainly would do nothing (from my experience) if something like this happened. Plus they usually take sides with elders.

It's good you stood your ground.

My parents often tried the same stuff. It's counter-productive with most people. Extremely counter-productive with me. I had a geek friend of mine help set up a shriek alarm and a motion sensor, so that if someone comes into my room the thing deafens them, and they can't find where it is coming from. If the motion sensor got disconnected, the shriek alarm would keep going nonstop then until it was plugged back in.

I also had most of my important and private post/packages/mail delivered to a friend's address. His parents didn't mind, and my stuff was never messed about. I hear you have a girlfriend. You could get some of your stuff delivered over there.