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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Daivia Offline
Why Hussie? Why?
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Name: Maeve
Age: 27
Gender: Female
Location: The Peach State

Posts: 878
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Join Date: July 30th 2011

No idea what to do now - January 11th 2012, 06:11 AM

So this is situation I've never had to deal with- a boy who I briefly and unofficially went out with has turned into a complete jerk. Below I shall put a copy of our most recent emails and texts. I need advice on how to handle this, I've tried it by myself and it isn't working. Thanks!
Jan 9th Tom: I know I don't have a right to ask you this, but hear me out. When I went back and looked at what I said, I was disgusted. I can't believe any of that even entered my head, much less that I would ever say such a thing. As soon as I got home, I started crying because I think I've lost you. I just got so frustrated from you ignoring me.

I'm sorry. If you ever feel like speaking to me again, well, you know how.

Jan 9th 10:57 PM Me: And tomorrow you'll be back to accusing me again. Exactly how am I supposed to trust you when this is the third or fourth time you've done emotional whiplash on me?

Jan 10th 7:12 AM Tom: Like I said before, I only explode when not in a face-to-face environment. The obvious solution is to either not speak when we aren't in the same room, or have me check myself whenever speaking to you apart. I used to be able to do that. But today I don't have to think in any classes anyway. I will try to find a better way (or change one of the above so they will work), but until then I don't know how you could trust me. But know that I wouldn't want to hurt you. You're much to good of a friend for that. When I know what needs to happen, I'll pass it along.

Jan 10th 6:13 PM Tom: I do not say this out of anger, but know that I am tired of this as I write it.

Never before have I met anyone with your combination of beauty, intelligence, and inner age. Which is why I'm so surprised and dissapointed that you would act this way. I would expect better of someone who claims to use their mind to make decisions, not follow blindly. What I have seen is that at almost every turn, you choose to make problems worse, rather than solve them. You put blame onto others when logic would show that you yourself were in the wrong. The fact that you're smarter than most people doesn't give you the right to treat them as less of a person. Your manipulations hurt people. I can't imagine that you care, but that's what I have to say.

Its a wonderful world out there, Maeve. I hope you aren't afraid to bloody your nose and rub shoulders with others to experience it.

Omnia Vincit Amor

Jan 10th 6:26 PM Me: So you did change your mind. That'd be the fourth or fifth time now. Can't say I'm surprised.

Text Sent by Me: Just got done with an analysis of your last message (check your email): legere aut taceat.

Jan 10th 8:25 PM Me:

a) Is this your version of "know that I wouldn't want to hurt you. You're much to good of a friend for that"? Because it doesn't seem like it. This was a message intended to hurt, cause guilt, and end a friendship, all of which you implied you would not do in your previous message.

b) No matter how many times you compliment my intelligence or beauty (isn't there anything else to me?), nothing could outweigh an insult to my maturity aka my "inner age".

c. Compared to my peers, I am a very mature person. I don't drink, do drugs, or have sex. I make a 3.0 or higher consistently. I have a few friends who I can count on. I don't fight with my parents. Many adults (including my gyno) have commented on my maturity and logical thinking. I cannot help but think you are in the minority when you state this opinion.

d. Usually when one uses this expression "not follow blindly" one also says what one is following blindly. My toes? My spleen? What?

e."You're smarter than most people doesn't give you the right to treat them as less of a person". And exactly whom have I treated like "less of a person" for the crime of being less intelligent than I? This of course assumes I believe I am smarter than most. Which I don't. Because most people are older and wiser than I. A tiny minority, perhaps at most 10-20% of the world are less intelligent than I. And most of those people, last time I checked, aren't at school being mistreated by me.

f. My manipulations hurt people, huh? Who else have I hurt (besides you, according to you) with my "manipulations". Maybe you should have rephrased it as, "Your manipulations hurt me".

8:31 PM Tom: Your tone and nit-picking betray your feelings. Only the Sith allow their emotions to poison their actions.
Omnia Vincit Amore

8:36 PM Me: Your lack of answering my valid points shows that you refuse to admit you were wrong in your arguments. It isn't nit-picking when I take an email (which I believe to be the final nail in the coffin) and question it's validity, and spend time formulating a clear argument, not make up things like the idea that I treat dumb people badly or that I am immature. And by refusing to answer, point-by-point, makes you the one who is being immature in this instance.

8:37 Sent by Tom: I am finished speaking to you until your mind is clear

8:38 Sent by Me: And was your mind clear, when you said I manipulate people?

8:38 Sent by Tom: Absolutly

8:40 Sent by Me: So you get to make absolute judgement calls on my emotions, and I don't?

8:44 Sent by Tom: Take it from a guy who spent the last 8 years trying to figure out people so he could emulate it, your last question wasn't calm enough for an answer.

9:00 Sent by Tom: I would be more than happy to both explain and discuss those each and every one of those points, but your current emotional state convinces me that it wouldn't get through to you anyway. Either accept what I said, or calm down. Its a very simple request.

10:16 Sent by Tom:
a) In my previous message, I believed there was still hope. I thought that me offering to change the way that I spoke to you may be able to make you respond again. I was obviously wrong.

b) would you care to explain what part of a person isn't part of their physical body or mental being? And you are very mistaken. I was saying your inner age was much higher than most peoples that we have to deal with.

c) The difference between how you act when around those who will judge you (or committing acts you will be judged for) and how you act when around those who truly wish to be is what i meant here.

d) The teachings of others.

e) See part c). Treating people with respect and courtesy.

f) Have hurt me, will hurt others in the future if you continue to use them.

That should be all. You may reply when you are calm enough to do so.

Last edited by Daivia; January 11th 2012 at 06:19 AM.
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
PSY Offline
Hugh Jackman ♥

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Name: Robin
Age: 31
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Re: No idea what to do now - January 11th 2012, 04:11 PM

I'm not really sure what you were looking for from us, but I can't offer you advice based on this one piece of information. I don't have a context for this conversation. I mean, maybe he's a complete jerk like you said, but to be honest, out of context, you look like a bit of a jerk, too!

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friend, idea, jerk, relationship

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