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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
tracey1212 Offline
Welcome me, I'm new!
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Name: Tracey
Gender: Female
Location: USA

Posts: 23
Join Date: January 20th 2012

If you knew Me...You would know?? - January 22nd 2012, 10:49 PM

This thread has been labeled as non-PG13 by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for younger users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

1. I desperately want to be accepted
2. I am afraid of not winning this battle
3. Just now I am figuring out who I am
4. I have a hard time with the concept of forgiving
5. I smile all the time because I don't know what else to do
6. I am starting to become comfortable with the idea that I am ordinary and that there's nothing wrong with that
7. My self-harming behaviors are not my problem, they are the symptom of my real problems
8. Sometimes I just want you to listen, not talk, not interrupt, not offer advice or suggestions. Sometimes all I want is you to sit there and listen and to feel like I have been heard
9. Sometimes the weight of my sadness is bone-crushing, like the pressure of water down deep
10. I hurt myself because it's the only feeling (pain) that I can stand to feel
11. I am terrified of not being a good enough mother
12. At the start of the next day, before I even brush my teeth, I ask God to help me stop myself from hurting either myself or anyone around me
13. I'm deathly afraid of growing up and dealing with all the things a grown-up must think about, even though I'm technically an adult
14. There are so many things I wish I could say
15. Words and actions hurt me even though they weren't meant to
16. I cry when you hug me because of the emptiness and pain I know I'll feel when you finally do let me go
17. I am so incredibly mean to myself. I wouldn't talk to any other person on earth the way I talk to myself
18. I want most of all for my self-criticisms and harsh words to stop.
19. I sometimes need your help, but I'm not sure how to tell you this
20. I really do care about you, more than you could even imagine
21. I cry when no one is around
22. I am an emotional and sexual abuse survivor. I am on a healing mission to make sure I stop the cycle of abuse and never pass on what happened to me to someone else. I think that that makes me pretty unique and remarkable
23. I hold back from full recovery because I hang on to suicidal thoughts as an excuse to not chase after my real goals
24. I don't like the suicidal thoughts; I just am having a hard time disliking it
25. I felt too ashamed, too dirty, too embarrassed and too scared to tell you that I couldn't cope without hurting myself
26. I want to make a difference in the world
27. I am unable to see my potential right now but it helps me to hear you when you tell me it's there
28. I'm afraid to know myself and understand my feelings and wishes
29. As I'm smiling and laughing, I have voices screaming and degrading me in my head
30. I blame myself for being raped
31. I am at a crossroads. For almost twenty-one years I have tried to be someone else. I have sweat, cried, and screamed my way out of my skin
32. My family is more dysfunctional than I like to admit
33. When I laughingly say I don't want to grow up, I'm not joking. I really am terrified
34. I believe that everyone's flaws should be accepted and forgiven except for mine
35. My love for my brother and sister sometimes overwhelms me, but I wouldnít ever admit it.
36. I'd love to escape to somewhere by the beach, eat, drink, dance, without a care in the world
37. I lied my way through treatment and I'm now paying the consequences
38. I'm scared to leave the student world and enter the real world alone
39. I miss my biological parents like crazy.
40. I feel there's an empty hole in me
41. More than anything I long for a mother who loves me and listens to me and to go home and feel safe
42. I feel guilty about all the pain I feel
43. I hate, absolutely hate, feeling vulnerable and I will do almost anything to avoid it
44. I am really sensitive although I appear unfeeling less
45. I'll lie to everybody to keep them from being hurt or from hurting them
46. I feel like a complete failure as a daughter, sister, and woman/young lady.
47. What I want most is to just hear that I am ok just the way I am even if my natural state isn't common, normal or cool
48. I worship the ground my little brother walks on and he doesn't even know it. I compare myself to everything he does, and how he has it better than me.
49. Sometimes I feel like I don't belong anywhere and I feel like an alien and that I don't belong in this time because my outlook feels so foreign
50. I don't like myself right now and I need support, but then when I get that support, I'm scared to let go of it again, scared that I'll lose it forever.
51. I still sleep with a stuffed animal
52. I hate being needy and yet I long to be taken care of
53. I hate asking people for things, but I donít know what else to do.
54. I am a scared little girl searching for a family to love her unconditionally.
55. I'm not trusting of anyone
56. The self-harming behaviors are the only constant in my life, the only thing which felt unchanging regardless of what external events happened. These behaviors are the only guarantee, the only certainty, the only thing loyal to me throughout everything that came my way
57. I wish that I didn't hate myself but at the same time, I don't know how it would feel to like myself
58. I am so afraid of being in an intimate relationship with a man, and I fear I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life
59. The bigger my smile, the larger my pain
60. I use my body to convey what my words cannot
61. I always feel like a burden but usually I hide that
62. I don't want you to give up on me
63. I have big dreams and wish that I believed enough to make them become a reality
64. I don't even know myself, the way that I would like to, I just keep lying to myself.
65. I want to love my biological mother and father, but I cannot figure out how to, with all that happened.
66. For years, I longed for someone to know my secret, in the hope they'd stop the pain and stop me from hurting because I didn't care enough about myself to stop myself
67. I will not show that I am mad at you. In fact, I probably won't even feel mad at you, unless someone else reassures me that it IS something to be mad about
68. I want to find or do something that will make my parents proud of me
69. I don't really give a rat's ass about how I look. I only try because I think that you care.
70. I love you even when you don't think I do
71. I am constantly scared that and pray that I will still be able to have children someday
72. I pray that no one ever has to endure the pain that I have, or go through the suffering that I have.
73. I'm so, so sorry for all the times I lied to you
74. I only pretend to be immature: I'm scared to show you just how serious and deep I can really be
75. I need help believing in myself, because I cant seem to do it alone.
76. I am holding on to my faith and my belief in God, because everyone says that I should.
77. I am praying that someday I will realize that everything you said was true and that God actually cares.
78. I don't know who I am or what I really want to become
79. I really donít want to become a nurse, I would rather be a adolescent counselor for unstable children
80. I don't feel that I deserve your unconditional love, even though I know that you will give it to me no matter what.
81. Even when it doesn't look like it, I am trying, and I'm doing my best in the moment
82. I harbor an immense amount of guilt over my actions and this prevents me from telling you, as I don't want you to shoulder my pain and my burdens, or know my shameful secret for what it really is
83. I am really afraid that I could really exceed beyond my wildest dreams. But I have never let myself try, because what if I succeed then fail miserably?
84. I'm scared that this will kill me, or I will kill myself first.
85. I really wonít admit these things even if you ask me if its true.

Tracey A.
-life is not about waiting for what you want, but going out and seeking/finding what you need.

The truth about life: you only get one!!!

Happiness is not something you postpone for the future; it is something you design for the present.
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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Chris Offline
Outside, huh?
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Name: Chris
Age: 25
Gender: Male
Location: Illinios

Posts: 4,247
Blog Entries: 3
Join Date: November 28th 2011

Re: If you knew Me...You would know?? - January 23rd 2012, 12:19 AM

From what you told me - I can tell these things:

- You were abused as a child (in more than one way).
- You lack a Father figure.
- You have gone through a world of pain .
- You have no positive way to realize the pain.
- You still focus on your past and the mistakes that you have had.
- You lack friendships.
- You lack people who will listen to you.
- You have trust issues.
- You have the power to be brave - but then lower the wall of power when confronted with the past.
- You aren't sure who you are, or where you should be in life.
- You underestimate yourself and what YOU are able to accomplish.
- You hurt yourself, to save others.
- You are more focused on how others feel, instead of how you feel.
- You put on a happy front - but still some people can recognize it.
- You want someone to save you.
- You want a male figure (boyfriend), but don't want to get hurt (which will be impossible).
- You pity, more than act.
- The little things hurt you the most.
- You shelter yourself off from all people around you.
- Only you know you - and you hate it.
- You lack communication in all life aspects.
- You want someone to love you, but you push them away at the same time.
- You were separated from family by an authority figure.
- You cover up events that need to be revealed.
- You are religious and hope/faith is all you have left (or so you think at times).
- You second guess life - and yourself.
- You haven't created yourself - or who you should be; but yet you followed others instead.
- Your afraid of failure.
- You rely on others, way more than you should.
- Someone else's actions - decide what you do next.
- You love those you cannot be.
- You dream more than create.
- Your past, your pain, your hurt - decide your present, and your future because you wont let go.

That is what I gathered from reading all of those.

I hope you know that you deserve it all. The best, the most honest, the most beautiful purest love in the world. Not only to be loved by others, but to be loved by yourself. To look in the mirror and think "Yes, I'm exactly who I want to be". To speak up and be proud of yourself. To be brave and open. You deserve the nicest and most caring people to walk into your life. You deserve it all, you know. The whole world...
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
stupidity Offline
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Name: Jeremy
Gender: Male
Location: Australia

Posts: 298
Join Date: April 28th 2010

Re: If you knew Me...You would know?? - January 23rd 2012, 01:33 AM

You sound a lot like me.

( sorry for the bad comment its all i can say )
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knew, meyou

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