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ThePunkAlien Offline
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Name: Josh
Age: 32
Gender: Male
Location: Hollywood USA

Posts: 777
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Join Date: January 5th 2009

Arrow The Adopted Thread - March 29th 2009, 09:20 AM


Adoption is usually heralded as a great thing by your parents. It was the day they were able to get a child. It doesn't necessarily matter to them that you came from someone else, your there's.

The first couple of years when I found out, I was curious and confused. But, overall fine with it. Then adolescence set in and I started to question things more and it seems like it's been getting worse lately. Through most of the years I've been going with the flow, but now I'm really trying to figure out where I came from, what I'm meant to do with my life, why my parents gave me up. It's a really hard struggle.

Many children are able to know their birth parents. They're able to look at them and see elements of themselves. I look at some of my friends, especially now as we're getting older, and I envy them because they know along the lines of what they're going to look like when they get older. I can see them and their fathers and they look alike just with a year gap. I can never have that, I can never look at my father and know my future - the man I'm going to look like, the man I'm going to become.

I look at my parents and inside I know that I can never truly call them my parents. That's just their title and I respect and love them for raising me, but I know deep down inside that they're not my parents. That my real parents are somewhere out there, doing god knows what and I don't even know if they remember me and if they do, what are they thinking about... are they wondering about the man I am, would I make them proud? Would knowing something about them allow me to better embrace my future? Am I like them? These are all the questions that are starting to bother me.

But, I don't feel right telling my parents that I feel this way. They'd see it as me not seeing them as my parents. When my love for them could never be changed by knowing my birth parents. That they'd always be the main ones I look to. But, that can't stop the way I feel.

The one aspect that's been present throughout my whole life is this fear of abandonment. It's just something I found out rather recently, that adopted children can sometimes suffer from certain attachment issues and fears of being tossed to the side. All throughout life I've been really sensitive and afraid that at any second I could lose my parents or that they would disown me as their son. Due to that I have secrets that I hide from them, certain mental issues and things I went through, because I don't want the way they view me to change. I don't want to risk them disowning me, even though I know they love me unconditionally - I just, I can't risk losing another set of parents.

Which brings me to the question I hate most. Why? Why did they do it? Did they not want me? Was there something wrong with me? ... Was I a mistake? These questions are really hard to shake and hurt the most, not knowing. Like I was born, they said they didn't want me and they threw me to someone else like a discarded animal.

Fact is, I know nothing. Perhaps, that's what scares me the most. That I know absolutely nothing. People say that in order to look to your future, you have to know where it is you come from. I don't know where I come from. My life, the whole family tree, didn't start before my parents adopted me. Is there something important that I need to know about my parents? I'll never know and that right there is a scary thought.

So, nearing the end of college. About to head into the world. These questions are haunting me more than ever. Throughout life I've been thrown these constant curve balls and obstacles that all seem to point somewhere. But, somehow I have to navigate this road without a map because that was taken from me.

I think Roswell's 'Toy House' put it best:

"Mom, I don't think we'll ever find our real parents. And maybe it would, you know give us some answers, but please don't ever think that you're not enough. I mean without you, I don't know where I would even be."

But, regardless there's still secrets that I feel like I have to keep, a certain side of who I am who only a few people excluding my parents can know about. Because my greatest fight in my whole life is them finding out the real me, not being able to handle it, looking at me differently and at worst not seeing me as their son anymore. I even take extra precautions to make sure they never find out. I know it sounds crazy, but, I just can't handle being abandoned again...

Well, that's my story. Kinda rambled on. But, started this thread purely for adopted children and handling issues of being adopted that comes up in our life that perhaps we don't feel comfortable letting our parents know about. In other words, it's a support thread for all the adopted children out there.

BTW, not saying being adopted is a bad thing. Just, it's not easy because there's a lot of baggage that comes with it that is more often than not unspoken.

Last edited by ThePunkAlien; March 29th 2009 at 09:26 AM.
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