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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Question Family Problems - February 2nd 2012, 08:57 PM

Right, better start at the beginning. I warn you know, this might be a long one :/
3 years ago, my sister went off the rails - getting in with a bad crowd, doing drugs, moved out and lived with scum. This gave my mum depression but no matter what I did, nothing made a difference, she would never talk to me. My mum was physically sick with worry, my parents offered her everything just to come home - new car, they even gave her our second house. So she came back after 2 years, and ran the horse farm.
Last year I went off to dance college full time, I moved away from home at 16 to live with 5 other girls. It was all going brilliantly until I was diagnosed with a joint condition. I quit college, moved back home. I could have stayed at home that last year, but I didn't want to. I have a bad relationship with my sister and I was always stuck in the middle of her and mum.
Things seemed to be going okay, mum got better and mum and heather's (my sister) relationship got better, although its still hard to trust her. But recently, I'm the one that cant do anything right?
I've been called a "selfish, heartless, grade a b*tch" (her words, not mine) on more than one occassion after I refused to wash her dogs feet once! (and I walk the dog as well, i dont get anything out of it, nor do i expect to) She then threw a massive paddy. It was like a 5 year old. She came in and took down my recently put up shelves, is withholding 60 worth of pocket money and is now shouting at me for the tiniest of things. Is this her depression coming back? She doesnt come out of the house, believes she has no friends, and quite happily sits on her bottom and watch tv all day. She wont even let me go abroad with my best friend (I'll be paying for me) once I'm 18. It wont be clubbing, it'll be to france doing horse-riding trails? Is this reasonable? I dont seem to think so :/ I have no social life as she refuses to drive me anywhere, and im not even in college so literally see no-one on a daily basis other than my family. She knows I dont like driving, yet im trying my hardest to pass my test asap for her, and partly so I can actually get a social life.
I'm at my wits end, is the problem really me? Am I being selfish, heartless?
I've had my taste of freedom and I so badly want out of here. I'm almost 18, but because of my condition, I've struggled to find jobs so can't afford it,and I also have a puppy to cater for. I dont know what to do in the mean time?
Anything would be of any help, even just to know thats its not me, or if it is me, that I can change to make things better? Thanks guys, you wont know how much you'll actually help me (: xx
   
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Re: Family Problems - February 3rd 2012, 12:48 AM

Hello, and welcome to TeenHelp! =)

I can't read your mom's mind, but I have a few hypotheses. One: your mom may be upset that there are no VISIBLE signs of improvement/growth (which isn't your fault, but if this is the case, it might not hurt to update her every other day on the status of tests/jobs/apartments/etc.). Two: your mom may be stressed out over something else, and unfortunately, you have become the scapegoat (if this is the case, all you can really do is express how much you love and support her). Three (and I think this may be the most likely explanation): you're reaching adulthood, and your mom is wondering whether you'll become an independent adult, or a "flake" like your sister.

Whatever the case may be, I'd suggest sitting down with your mom when you're both calm and not doing anything important for at least an hour. Start off your conversation with something like, "Hey Mom, can I talk to you for a bit? I feel like our relationship hasn't been quite right for a while, and I'd like to sort things out." Don't accuse her of being "depressed" or "unfair," because that will just make her defensive. Instead, ask her if there is anything you have done lately to upset your mother, and if so, how you can make amends. If she gives you a list of things you could improve upon, work on it! If her complaints are completely unreasonable, DON'T argue with her. Address that with her on another occasion. During your initial conversation, you could also show concern for your mom and ask her if there's anything going on that is stressing her out. Try to word this in a way to shows genuine concern, vs. something that conveys a message like, "I know this isn't about me, it's really something else that's to blame." Sometimes, parents just need to know that their children care. This message can be lost in the every day routine of life. Let this conversation be a loving reminder to your mom that you are there for her, and you want the best for everyone in your family (not just yourself!).


   
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