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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Jacketh Offline
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What to do with my ''Best friend'' - Really need help!! - February 3rd 2012, 09:21 PM

Basically, me and my best friend argue loads now. We use to be really close and at school he will always talk to other people now instead of me, although he says I'm his best friend he never wants to go out with me out of school (Although he doesn't go out with anyone else.. apparently) The past two weeks we've been have an argument and its resulted in the following..

He didn't get me in a card or wish me happy birthday, although we had fallen out , we always fallout and eventually make up, surely he should of just put this aside for my birthday?

He called me last night calling me controlling, a syco, a few other really horrible names. He said it was ''the heat of the moment'' but doesn't the truth come out in the heat of the moment? He hasn't said sorry.

A girl posted a FB status about me and said some things about me which she thinks for example that my best friend is obviously not happy and everyone can see that by how he acts and I control him. She said this because he doesn't talk to her no more. He didn't reply to her or say anything to her and will let her get away with this, when its meant to be wrong?

I've done the ''Its either me or him or we won't be friends card'' (Which I posted a thread about) I know that isn't right, but he was willing to give me up and not be friends for someone he barely speaks to, he obviously doesn't think that much of me?

He didn't tell me /get me a letter for a trip I wanted to go on with school because I was ill, I might not be able to go now. He knew I wanted to go. But he ''forgot'' to tell me?

He is never eager to make-up, ignores my texts, etc.

We used to be so close, knew each others facebook passwords, phone passwords, we were happy with just each other and didn't care about what anyone thought. He's just changed how he is with me and won't have a laugh with me and is willing to fallout over anything and make arguments worse, he won't do anything for me and wants everything his way before we makeup. Although he claims I'm still his best mate and he wants to be close, it doesn't look like it?

Its not as simple as just getting new friends, he is my best mate and I want him, and I'm apparatchik his best mate but he does all this?
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Chris Offline
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Re: What to do with my ''Best friend'' - Really need help!! - February 4th 2012, 03:24 AM

I say this will all the respect in the world - It does seem like you are expecting, and pushing WAY to much on him that frankly it may come of as stalkerish and controlling.

My first impression of this thread is that you need to take a few steps back - which I still think is a good idea. I'm not trying to insult you, but yet I'm being honest.

Secondly, your expectations are EXTREMELY high for a friend (and even best friend). I have been there and done that - and I have lost many friendships and relationships over it.
Quote:
He didn't get me in a card or wish me happy birthday, although we had fallen out , we always fallout and eventually make up, surely he should of just put this aside for my birthday?
Quote:
If you are fighting with a friend, then you cant expect them to just get you something for your birthday. A fight is a fight - no matter what day it is.

Quote:
He called me last night calling me controlling, a syco, a few other really horrible names. He said it was ''the heat of the moment'' but doesn't the truth come out in the heat of the moment? He hasn't said sorry.
Quote:
Well, alot of times the true feelings do come out - and I think that there is so much pressure in the friendship, that he actually does truely believe you are being very controlling. You cant expect him to say sorry for being honest with how he feels - nor should he.

Quote:
I've done the ''Its either me or him or we won't be friends card'' (Which I posted a thread about) I know that isn't right, but he was willing to give me up and not be friends for someone he barely speaks to, he obviously doesn't think that much of me?
I don't think I seen your last thread, but yes, this is a horrible thing to do. Your not in a relationship! You are in a friendship! You cant pick and chose his friends, and you shouldn't ask him to pick between you and someone else.

Quote:
He didn't tell me /get me a letter for a trip I wanted to go on with school because I was ill, I might not be able to go now. He knew I wanted to go. But he ''forgot'' to tell me?
Its not his responsibility to always do things for you - and maybe he did forget. Maybe he had a bad day. You cant expect someone to tell you things - you have to do things on your own. And you cant say that he just did it on purpose - maybe he did forget? Hes human, and humans make mistakes and forget things.

Quote:
He is never eager to make-up, ignores my texts, etc
Hes not eager to make up because you are forceful with him - you expect to much! If someone is ignoring your texts, then STOP texting them! This is a lesson I had a hard time learning - and it comes off as obsessive if you keep texting or calling. Let him come to you!

This friendship needs a true break for a few weeks. Everyone needs time to heal. I would probably let him contact you first.

To recap - I am NOT calling you controlling, nor am I trying to insult you - but these things need to be addressed. First, expectations need to be lowered. You aren't in a relationship, and he shouldn't have to feel like he is in one. If he doesn't want to text, he shouldn't have to. If he doesn't want to 'seem' eager to make things better, he shouldn't have to. If he needs a break from the friendship, then he should be able to take a step back without getting text messages about it. If he feels you are being to controlling, then he should be able to tell your straight forward and not only when hes in a 'heat of the moment' thing. I would research on goggle - 'How to lower expectations'. Secondly, I think you need to take a step back. If he doesn't respond after one text, don't send anymore. If he contacts you first, great! If not, then maybe send him a quick message - but not more than one. The main things that need to be worked on to get the friendship back to a great and HEALTHY style is: less expectations, and taking a step back.



Best wishes,
Chris


Chris
I hope you know that you deserve it all. The best, the most honest, the most beautiful purest love in the world. Not only to be loved by others, but to be loved by yourself. To look in the mirror and think "Yes, I'm exactly who I want to be". To speak up and be proud of yourself. To be brave and open. You deserve the nicest and most caring people to walk into your life. You deserve it all, you know. The whole world...

Last edited by Chris; February 12th 2012 at 10:07 PM.
   
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Re: What to do with my ''Best friend'' - Really need help!! - February 5th 2012, 06:35 AM

I've sorta been where you have been. I have fought pretty bad with my best friend too and we've said some horrible things to each other. But in the end we eventually make up because thats what you gotta do. I love her more than anything and a fight shouldn't break a friendship. I think Chris is a bit right in how you guys' friendship is very intense and needs to settle down a bit. You can't expect so much from your friend. I think it puts a lot of pressure on him and he feels smothered. I know you don't mean to do this and you may not feel like you can help it. I can be the same way at times. But you gotta try and tone it down. Also, maybe the reason why he hasn't been going out with you or anyone else is because he is going through a rough time of his own? You never know but I think you guys will get better soon. Just takes time.


   
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