Do I need new friends?

[CrazyKaren]

I need advice. I have this best friend of 7 years. We met freshman year of high school. Her name is Heather. She really hurt me and I don't know if I should still be friends with her. In the beginning of december my grandmother passed away and I wrote about it on Facebook and all she wrote back was "thats sad". She didn't text me or anything. I was really hurt. My other best friend Kate came with me to the funeral even though it was Kate's bday. Heather goes away to college and has a great life there while I stay at home and go to a 2 year school and work. We don't really text much when she is away because neither of us have time. When she came home for winter break about 2 weeks after my grandmother passed away she texted me and Kate saying she was home but we decided to ignore her since we were really hurt. I guess all she cares about is herself. Heather called the next day but I didn't answer and texted her back saying how much she hurt me and she apologized sincerely. But I still don't know if she gets it. She asked if she could bring something over and I ignored the text. I think she was going to bring a card over because I got it in the mail a few days later. She also sent me and Kate a merry christmas text but we both ignored it. Am I doing the right thing? I don't know if I want to be friends with her anymore and I think it is easiest to just let our friendship end like this. Its february now and we still haven't talked. I can see her updates on Facebook and she doesn't seem that hurt. She is having a great time going to California and plans to go to Mexico for spring break. She doesn't need us.

I have been friends with Kate for about 4 years. We always get into small arguments but then we make up. Me and Heather never fight but I don't feel ilke she is as good as a friend as Kate is. If I don't want to go in the pool Kate won't but Heather will. Heather will do things she wants to do so she can be happy. She won't stay in for hours but sometimes its annoying. And if we need to wait an hour for Kate to get out of work I think we should wait for Kate and not do anything without her. Heather wanted to go to the fair and thought we could tell Kate to meet us there but I thought that was very mean. I wanted to just sit around and do nothing for the hour to wait for Kate. Sometimes though I don't know if I should be friends with Kate either. Kate is always feeling sorry for herself and guilt me into doing some things cause she needs to do it. Like once my parents offered me to buy me new tires for my car but Kate was like I buy all my own stuff. We are 21 we don't need to depend on our parents anymore like Heather does. So I decided to buy my own tires with the money I had from work. But sometimes I don't like the way Kate does that to me. Do I just have really bad friends? Am I a bad person?

[Kate*]

Welcome I think a lot of this has to do with the fact that people change as they get older, especially when some go away to school and others stay home. She's going to develop new friends and your friendship will change because of that.

As for how she dealt with the passing of your grandmother, people deal with death differently and some people just don't know how to handle it. I posted on Facebook that my grandfather died recently and my best friend didn't even respond, but I'm not bothered by it because I know she still cares. The fact that she didn't go beyond a Facebook comment doesn't mean that she was trying to hurt you, maybe she just didn't know what to do or say.

It also seems like you have different expectations of what being a friend means, you are bothered by things that she thinks are okay, letting Kate meet you somewhere as opposed to waiting for her for example, or the fact that Heather is more likely to do things on her own without her friends. I think this is just a difference in personality, it doesn't mean that either of you is a bad friend, it just means that you handle situations with your friends in different ways. If you really don't want to be friends anymore, that's your choice, but personally, I don't think ignoring her and "letting the friendship die" is the best way to go about it. If things are bothering you bad enough to consider ending the friendship, talk to her about what she does that bothers you before you make your final decision.

As far as Kate goes, people become independent at different ages, just because she's more independent from her parents than you are, doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with either you or Heather, it might just be the way she was raised, if she says something that bothers you, let her know that and don't feel like you have to listen to her. If she's feeling bad about herself support her, but don't force yourself to be there for her if you need a break from her for awhile. You are not a bad person, and neither are your friends, you just have different expectations of what you should do for each other and how friends act and there isn't anything wrong with that.

[minniemouseprincess]

I think you should stay friends with both of them. Like Kate said, its just a difference in personalities. You're never gonna find someone who is EXACTLY like you. Even my best friend isn't exactly like me. We fight too, she's hurt me terribly before. I've done the same to her. When that stuff happens, you gotta forgive and move on because that stuff just happens in a friendship sometimes. Its not the end of the world, it doesn't mean things can't be fixed. You should just sit down and talk to them about how you are feeling and go from there. You love Katie and Heather, don't lose them. Good friends are hard to find.

[PSY]

To Shawn and Kate: I have removed your posts because I felt they were off-topic. If you would like to offer insight and/or advice regarding this issue, please address the original poster and discuss their current problem, vs. more generalized things such as gender differences in maintaining friendships.

To Karen: Like other members have said, I think this is mainly due to personality differences, as well as differing attitudes toward what is and is not acceptable behavior. Of course, there could be more to this situation than what you are telling us, so my analysis may be way off; however, I feel like Heather hasn't necessarily done anything "wrong" in this situation.

When your grandmother passed away, you found a way to cope with the death by posting about it on Facebook. Heather may have coped in a different way: by not allowing her emotions to overwhelm her. Everyone deals with death differently. Also, she may not have fully understood how important your grandmother was to you. When my grandmother died, I didn't shed a single tear. My friends didn't offer me comfort (other than "I'm sorry") because they knew I wasn't close to my grandmother. Perhaps Heather is like me, in the sense that she isn't close to her grandparents; therefore, she didn't understand how devastating of a loss this was for you.

I've been in a very, VERY similar situation in regards to going away for college and growing apart from old friends. I was the one who moved away to attend a four-year university, while my friends stayed at home and attended a community college. I'll admit, I neglected the friendships, and I regret that. I was busy with schoolwork and trying to make new friends at my school, but I could have found the time to pick up the phone and give my old friends a call. In my defense, though, they could have done the same thing... and they didn't. So was I at fault? Sure! Were they also at fault? Yes. Maybe something similar happened between you and Heather: she was busy with her "new life," so you felt hurt and didn't reach out. When you didn't reach out, she didn't feel the need to reach out, either, so you guys ultimately let the friendship deteriorate.

When Heather came back for winter break, it seems like she genuinely made an effort to get back in touch; however, you cut her off. You didn't even give her a chance. Again, there may be more to this story than I am seeing, but it seems like you both contributed to the deterioration of this friendship. She may have started everything by neglecting to keep in touch when she moved, but when she finally did try to make amends, you wouldn't let her. If you want to end the friendship, at least make it a somewhat clean break. She deserves an explanation, and you deserve to speak your mind. Perhaps you two can salvage this relationship by finally communicating with each other, or perhaps it's time to end the friendship. Either way, it can't hurt to have an honest discussion about what happened.

In all honesty, I used to be like you. Now, I am more like Heather. I used to cater to my friends' desires, and I used to take offense if my friends didn't do the same for me. In the past, I would have been upset if people had gone in the swimming pool if I didn't want to, or if people went to the fair and told me to meet them there. I used to see it as disloyal, as a sign that my friends didn't care. Eventually, my mindset changed, and now I realize that it wasn't about being disloyal or not caring. My friends recognized that I had certain desires, but that didn't change the fact that THEY had certain desires as well. Basically, if you didn't want to go swimming, that was fine... but if Heather still wanted to go swimming, that was fine, too. If you wanted to wait an hour so you could go to the fair with a friend at the same time, that was fine... but if Heather wanted to spend an extra hour at the fair and meet up with you later, that was fine, too. You weren't in the mood to go swimming, and you wanted to be considerate of your friend's feelings. That's all fine. Heather wanted to enjoy the pool, and she wanted to enjoy the fair. That's all fine, too.