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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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leavemealone Offline
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So tired of all this fighting - February 14th 2012, 08:26 PM

I come home today from school in an okay mood, but as soon as I got home my mood went from bad to worse. My mom comments on my clothes, wonders why I wore what I wore (red sweats...its Valentines Day...) and then she makes me come closer so she can see my face. We already talked about how my eyebrows looked yesterday and how I shouldn't be putting so much makeup on them (I have Trichotillomania) and the last thing I wanted to do was talk about it and then get into another argument about how we don't talk about it enough. For me, once a week is enough, not everyday. I can't stand talking about it. Its really embarrassing, I don't care if shes my mom, if it makes me uncomfortable and triggered than I'm not going to talk about it. Its going to get easier to talk about, I know that, but for now I'm just not ready. And I REALLY don't need her COMMENTING bout how dark they look or how I'm plucking too close. I specifically make sure that when I pluck my eyebrows I'm not in the mood to pull more than needed out. And I really thought they looked nice, I mean, they're eyebrows. They shouldn't have a specific look to them. They're just...there. So after we have an argument and she sends me to my room till dinner (Its only 3pm and we don't eat till like 8pm at night) and so I go to my room and just sit there. She comes in and starts yelling at me saying how I should be grateful to have a mother who wants to talk about stuff like this. Sometimes I just don't want to talk about it, and when I try and tell her that she just keeps interrupting me until I realize its no use to even speak because no matter what I say it wont make a difference to her. Than she slams my door and five minutes later she calls me to come to her. So I come and shes all calm and she has this therapy thing on the computer on how to deal with Trich, and I just say that I don't even want to hear it. She doesn't even yell at me or anything, shes just like "can i have a hug?" and then its like nothing ever even happened. Talking to her about her anger doesn't do any good, even if I'm really calm and we aren't even in a disagreement. She just makes one out of nothing. I don't know what to do about anything anymore. Her talking is yelling and that leads to me getting punished for something that either I didn't mean to do or didn't even know that I did something 'wrong'. I'm so DONE

By the way, Happy Valentines Day everyone!


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Re: So tired of all this fighting - February 14th 2012, 09:05 PM

I can see how this can suck. The only thing that I can really recommend besides talking to her again (which seems to not be doing much good) is to write a letter (or type). Express all your feelings and just tell her that you don't want to argue, and you hate it when you guys fight. Just tell her everything. At the end, tell her you love her (which I can tell you do, but you are just frustrated right now). Once your done, I would give it to her when she is calm, and when you haven't had a fight. Let her read it - alone. My guess is that she will come talk to you after she reads it, and hopefully this will reduce the number of fights.

But please understand, this will not end all fights. Everyone as a teen (or mostly everyone) fights/fought with there parents at some point about something. So I doubt that all the fights will stop, but I think that the number of fights will go down.



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Re: So tired of all this fighting - February 14th 2012, 09:08 PM

Have you ever thought of possibly writing her a letter letting her know how she effects you? You said you two fight a lot, and that she interrupts you, so maybe putting down on a piece of paper how you feel will help her actually listen to you. Don't attack her or make her feel bad about who she is, just voice your opinion and make her aware of how you're feeling. Mothers and daughters will always fight, it's just one of those things. Communication is the key to actually being able to survive under the same roof until you're ready to move out.




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Re: So tired of all this fighting - February 14th 2012, 09:54 PM

Yeah I've kind of thought about that, but I can just see her getting more angry at me if I give her a letter. Like she'll get mad and accuse me of not being comfortable enough to talk to her about it directly, which is where I'm leading.


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Re: So tired of all this fighting - February 14th 2012, 09:57 PM

If she reacts that way, all you have to do is tell her that you had a lot you needed to say, and it was faster to write it down. Then you two can go over the letter & discuss it. Just make sure she knows that she's not the bad person here & that you want your relationship to be better, so both of you should work on it, together.




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Re: So tired of all this fighting - February 14th 2012, 10:34 PM

I agree. Just tell her that you really need to make sure that she got the point, and that you didn't leave out any important information; thus you created a letter for her to read.


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Re: So tired of all this fighting - February 16th 2012, 05:06 AM

I've got to say, I agree with your mother. The clothing colour seems irrelevant to me and she probably forgot it was Valentine's Day. If you don't wear red clothing very often, then it would look odd to her so she was questioning out of curiousity but that's neither here nor there. I agree with your mother in that she is trying to talk to you about your trichotillomania instead of simply ignoring it. The fact she looks online for trichotillomania therapy clearly indicates she wants to help and is admitting she doesn't know how. I imagine it would be very frustrating for her, which makes her anger understandable. She's asking for a hug not to pretend everything was peachy and you two never argued, rather the hug implies something did do wrong and she wants to apologize and start fresh. If you're going to sincerely apologize to your friend, you're going to act in a kind manner, it's the same thing with your mother.

I don't use make up, which is probably why I don't understand how it is possible to pluck too close or too far. If you want to have thick fake eyebrows, I see no issue with that because you're doing it for a reason beyond mere fashion. The main issue is trichotillomania so your mother is losing focus on the key concern. Perhaps I'm wrong and you do find thick eyebrows fashionable, again I see no concern.

Would you be willing to talk with her about trichotillomania if she were to change how she approaches the conversation? If there is even a faint possibility, instead of writing a letter, go up to her and tell her you want to (for lack of a better term) wipe the slate clean, forgot about her yelling and have her forgot about your behaviour. Start from scratch when you're BOTH willing to talk about trichotillomania. If you feel she's not handling it appropriately despite her efforts, point her to some resources you feel are suitable or openly tell her how you want her to help you with trichotillomania treatment so you're both starting on an even playing field.


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Re: So tired of all this fighting - February 16th 2012, 03:04 PM

Yeah I understand, and I wouldn't be so frustrated about the pants thing if this didn't happen so often. Its almost every day that she comments on my appearence and it makes me self concious and it makes me feel like I'm ugly. I would talk to her if she didn't always yell at me, and yes, the way she approches the subject does bother me. If she did it without getting mad at me than maybe I would talk to her more about it. But the thing is, that I've mostly stopped pulling, I mean, I have my eyebrows and eyelashes now, and it was an accident when I tweezed the ends of my eyebrows. I wasn't even using a tweezer actually it was like this electronic eyebrow shaver thing, so it wasn't really my fault, my hand just slipped. I just feel like when I do want to talk about how I feel with her, even if its just how my day went, shes finds some way to get angry with me. I'm a good kid, I don't do bad things, I do just fine in school. I don't understand why everything has to be a fight with her though.


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