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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Making friends - February 16th 2012, 07:41 PM

I have always found it difficult to make friends. But when i do successfully make a friend they end up treating me like shit. I dont know what im doing to attract these people? All i want is for someone to ask how i am and actually like me.
I had one friend, who didnt really speak to me like i was a friend. She didnt seem to understand the position i was in in terms of depression etc. She ended by telling me how much she thought i was attention seeking and a bitch and all sorts. I decided after one counselling session that i would end the friendship with her. But i still think about her and this happened back in september. I kind of want her to notice me and be sad that she lost me as a friend but id say it was quite clear thats not the case.
The friend i have now is very difficult and selfish. A couple of times i have asked her if she wanted to meet up or something and both times she has vertually ignored my question and started talking about going out somewhere else. I feel like im not good enough, especially last night when i mentioned that i thought 2 hours to get ready was a bit ridiculous, she texted back; 'No, its called making an effort and taking pride in your appearance' It sounded like a hint. Maybe im wrong?
Overall, friendships bring me more sleepless and tearful nights than they do happy moments. I give a lot of help, advice and effort into making a friendship work. Only last week i was hanging out the lounge window giving the above friend 30 because her parents kicked her out and she needed money to go to a uni open day. Why do i do this for people who are clearly taking me for a ride?
I guess my question is how long did it take you to find someone that doesnt take you for a ride? Someone who is a genuine friend and understands? And also, how did you know that they were a true friend? Many people have mentioned that its the signals that people give off to prove that they are a good friend, but what signals? I get so confused! I know there is so much more i want to say, but it will take agess,so i'll leave it at this and just answer any questions people may have
   
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Re: Making friends - February 16th 2012, 08:29 PM

Well the friend you have atm is definatly(I rlly dont know how to spell that word) not your friend. It should not take long to find friends that dont screw you over. Although all friends sometimes act like assholes.
For me the definition of a good friend is that he/she is reliable(He/she pays you back, you can count on him/her) Not a total selfish person. And helps me out when i need it(For example if i got problems with my parents) Those people do exist, I was lucky because i wasn't that anxious as i am now before i found my friends.
Oh yea, Being depressed before you are good friends isn't really a good way to get friends. People don't like depressed people. I'm not saying you can just get not depressed but if you keep saying my life sucks people won't like you for it. I know it's hard to stay positive when your depressed but try to look not depressed.
I did my best with this advice so sorry if it isn't good;P
   
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Re: Making friends - February 16th 2012, 08:36 PM

Thankyou for trying. People dont tend to know about my depression until i feel i can tell them. And i really try not to be like it, i know it puts people off. Ive just had an argument with her via text. Shes calling me selfish and saying she doesnt want to talk about my shit when all i did was point out that the more shifts she swapped at work, the more likely it was that shell be sacked. I dont know what to do, shes making me feel like the bad guy. Am i? Whole time weve been having the argument i have been feeling sick, shaky, shivery, tummy feels funny/ slightly painful, heart beating quite fast, dry mouth and shaky breathing. What is this? How can i stop it?
   
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Re: Making friends - February 16th 2012, 08:45 PM

I'll just start off by saying, be careful who you're handing money out to. You're clearly concerned about the friendship between the pair of you which doesn't make it an appropriate time for hand outs. I'd be concerned that she's taking advantage of your generosity.
I haven't had much experience of being 'taken for a ride' however it does take time to find the kind of friendship I think you desire.
In my mind there are two types of friends and both are extremely important. You have the most common type, normal friends. You hang out, you get along, they're a good laugh... But the strong emotional connection isn't there. And that's understandable, being able to meet someone on such an intimate level and understand is an extremely rare thing. This is where the second type comes in, these people you have a very strong emotional relationship with. Don't get me wrong the first 'group' will always be there and a shoulder to cry on but they might not necessarily understand, and that's ok 'cause most of the time it's nice to escape and not have everybody know what's bothering you, right? I suppose what I'm saying here is don't feel like you have no one if they can't be there for you in the way that you want or need... Sometimes it's just not possible.
I don't think I truly met someone who could connect with me like that until I was 18/19 and they're still the only person apart from my partner. And I just knew... I felt safe, I felt listened to, I felt understood. It's one of those things where you'll know when you have it.
And you will have it, just try to broaden your friendship horizons and don't lay all your eggs in one basket.
   
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Re: Making friends - February 16th 2012, 08:49 PM

I want that kind of person now, i need it really :/ Any ideas on why ive been feeling the way i have been during the argument? I think it has stopped but i know it will probably start up again when she texts/ if she texts :L
   
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Re: Making friends - February 16th 2012, 09:03 PM

Unfortunately you can't click your fingers and have it instantly, you have to learn to love what you have for the time being. You have the support of the TH community so you're not alone.

As for your argument, well. It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship does it. Honestly, I think you're quite desperate to find this connection with someone and you want it to be her. I think she can see that, or at least see a weakness in you and she is walking over you and manipulating you. From what you've said, I don't think you've done anything wrong but give some advice. If it's unwanted advice, perhaps refrain from giving any unless asked. The way you reacted sounds a lot like a panic attack but obviously I cannot be sure, but it wouldn't surprise me... I imagine this situation must be extremely stressful. But I think this friendship might have a negative effect than a positive in the end and you should consider that.
   
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Re: Making friends - February 17th 2012, 04:58 AM

well to be honest, i have two best friends in the whole wide world. i know both of them for about 7 years. don't be scared by this. it doesn't mean that a true friend is someone you know for many years. the first friend was the daughter of my mothers colleague, we met when i was 8 or 9 years old, and the other one was my neighbor, we met when i moved to a new place at the age of 9 i think. all i want to say is that me and those girls didn't have a strong connection at the very first time we met, but we started seeing each other more often under the circumstances, we started talking and we had a lot of things in common, we were little girls back than so our common interests were playing barbies haha, but the fact that our friendship made it trough so many years is because as we grew, we still had the same interests, we had a lot of things to talk about, a lot of things to share, another advantage is that we all go to different schools. so we all have different friends, i can tell them everything without being scared that someone in my school will find out. they know everything about me, and that time when i knew i could trust them and i was 100% sure i can tell them my darkest secrets, and they actually kept it and didn't tell anyone- that was the moment when i realized they were true friends. it's hard to try to find a good friend, especially when you're picky, which i hope you're not because it would be a lot more easier for you. i actually get where you're coming from because not so long ago i felt so alone at school, didn't have any friends to be with during breaks, or anyone to talk to. but that was because i was picky, i wanted to be part of the cool kids, and when i realized i will never be friends with them i started having friends who are not so popular at school, but they are truly amazing people, way way better than all the other popular kids, i'm so happy to have them as my friends. maybe this is what you should try doing as well, try being friends with people who are a little but different from the people you tried to be friends with so far. another tip is, try to make friends out of school (if you're still in shcool), or out of work, so you could share with them things you can't share with people at school or at work. if you see someone who feels alone just try to bond with him/her, i think they could use a friend and maybe you'll have more common interests than you think. people often judge by outlooks, which is wrong, you should give everyone a chance to be your friend!
   
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February 17th 2012, 05:49 PM

I do try not to be too picky. I think that is why i have got the friend i have now, usually i would not speak to someone thats so different to me and has different values in life etc. I find it really hard to find people who are lonley or by themselves because i know from myself that these people do not draw attention to themselves and try their best to look okay, this makes it really hard :/

It woud be great to have other opinions on this too

Last edited by PSY; February 18th 2012 at 10:20 PM. Reason: Merged consecutive posts.
   
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Re: Making friends - February 19th 2012, 08:28 PM

My 'friend' hasnt spoken to me since the argument which was 3 days ago. I just hope she knows she was in the wrong, but if she does speak to me again i dont want it to all go back to normal as if nothing happened, if you get me? I really dont know whether to contact her or just leave it also?
   
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Re: Making friends - February 19th 2012, 08:49 PM

Just ask the money back, If she doesn't. get it one way or another(For example:Talk to her parents). Then never talk to her again.
She is obviously not your friend. She doesn't treat you as a friend anyways.
If i get into a fight with one of my friends we both apologize within a day.
And thats how it should be.
I'd rather be alone then with people that don't treat me right.
I'm sorry you have so much trouble finding friends, But im sure there are more people like you. And in my class there were 2 girls and they both didn't had any friends for 3 months. But since a few weeks they became friends and now seem happier. Maybe if you wait there might be another person that has trouble with finding friends.
You can pm me anytime, I might not be as good as a real friend. But atleast it's something.

Good luck!
   
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Re: Making friends - February 19th 2012, 09:05 PM

I feel this is so harsh, but i know she isn't muh of a friend. I guess what's stopping me is that i have no one else really :/
   
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Re: Making friends - February 21st 2012, 04:29 PM

I saw her today at work for like 2 mins and she acted as if nothing had happened. I felt like she really didnt understand, it was like normal. Thanks for the advice so far, but i was wondering if anyone could help me in tems of what i should do. I was seriously thinking about breakin off the friendship?
   
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