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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
BulletHoles Offline
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Unhappy My fault - March 1st 2012, 07:47 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

My parents were in love. In college, ready to start their lives. Then i was conceived accidentally. They would've had an abortion, if my family would've
allowed. But it would disgrace the family even more then just having a bastard child. I was a mistake. I messed my whole family up.
My dad left, he didn't want me. And my mom blamed me, she still does. I blame myself.
I have never made them proud. I have never been enough. I have never fixed everything I messed up. I tried to and I couldn't. Honestly, my whole family hates me. I am ostracized and have been since i was very small. I have never had a home, because a home is suppose to be your refuge.
I help everyone that comes to me. I give aid and a shoulder to cry on. I seem to carry the world's weight on my shoulders and as I crumble people stand to watch. People that I cared for, and helped and loved. Am I the girl God gives the world to, so i may carry it? Is that my only purpose. After i fix people, after i help them they leave. I am only here to show others how to live. Because I cannot.
I feel alone though. My parents have seen my scars that cover my wrists and arms and hips. My friends have seen them. School teachers have seen them. I have asked for help, told people I need it. No one gives me it. I feel empty. I feel like there is a hole through me. I feel dead. I think I am dead and once i die i will finally become alive.
It's like I'm not even worth it. Not worth getting the help. I don't even know why I am asking you for help. I don't want it. I don't want to let this feeling go because it is all i have ever known. And you cannot help. No one can save me. I am beyond saving. I don't want to be saved.
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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: My fault - March 1st 2012, 07:56 PM

Dont blame yourself because you werent alive at the time, you had no part to play, it cant be your fault. You may feel like the problem but you are not. I have never been in your situation but i cant relate to some of it i.e. helping others and getting nothing in return. I know what that feels like You must want some kind of help otherwise you wouldnt have posted here, and i think thats good. You can talk to me and anyone else here whenever
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Re: My fault - March 2nd 2012, 08:05 AM

As much as you may prefer the feelings of emptiness you described, there clearly are other strong feelings you have. For example, your ability to care for people implies sympathy and empathy, and you must find it rewarding otherwise you wouldn't go out of your way so often to help others. Perhaps you're trying to chase after this temporary burst of happiness but it outruns you, so you're left with the feeling of nothingness. Your word choice of, "saved" implies you feel you're cursed or doomed to remain feeling sad and empty but at the same time, it implies you want the feeling to be lifted. You're seeking help from a bunch of strangers online, maybe you view it as a last shot because your in-person attempts have often failed, you're bored or you thought there may be something to these online forums but either way, it's clear why you're here and what you want. The fact you cannot express what you want even online suggests it's an ideal goal that's too far from reach, sort of like window shopping for that expensive pretty item you desperately want but cannot afford. I can ramble some more but in my books, if you want help, you have to take steps forward, which you do want.

I can rip you off, and steal all your cash, suckerpunch you in the face, stand back and laugh. Leave you stranded as fast as a heart-attack.
- Danko Jones (I Think Bad Thoughts)
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: My fault - March 3rd 2012, 06:25 PM

Thanks guys, for the support :3

Are you always sad? Someone asked.
(Always is such a long, long time)
I couldn't say. But
If sadness was a sea, I'd drown in it.
(Salty and warm, sadness is.)
(Cold, too. Sometimes)
And I happen to love the sea.

And I watched your words burn tiny holes
into my retinas. Just wide enough to crawl into,
And forget you ever were.
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Re: My fault - March 3rd 2012, 06:32 PM

I have 2 nephews that were "accidents".

If the person turns out to be a nice person such as yourself, don't call yourself an accident.

A blessing in disguise is more of what you are.

And, divorce is hard on everyone, so maybe your mom used you as an outlet? It may not seem it, but parents love their kids, no matter what. Maternal/Paternal instincts xP
  (#6 (permalink)) Old
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Re: My fault - March 3rd 2012, 08:46 PM

I was born 7 months after my parents married. In fact, my parents only married because I was concieved. They were also in love but they fought all the time, especially after my birth. They stayed together for a few years, even had my brother, but eventually they couldn't handle parenthood together. Am I responsible for their divorce? Indirectly, yes. Is that a bad thing? No. If your biological father left because you were concieved, he wasn't worth being with. I personally think you did your mom a favor, booting out one of the bad guys before she made the mistake of marrying him.

Besides, what's going on that makes you feel ostracized and not good enough? It could be that your own self-esteem causes you to imagine that.

Clearly you want help, since you've asked others and now us for it. You're 17? If you've got your driver's license, I suggest that instead of just asking yourself for help, driving yourself to a therapist. Another good idea is to very clearly tell your mom everything you feel. There's only so much we can do for you, but we will be here for moral support.
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