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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
mano95 Offline
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Help with my sister? - March 4th 2012, 02:00 AM

I'm worried about my little 15 year old sister. According to our younger sister, she's dating a 19 year old guy. I can't ask her, because she would never tell me the truth, but my two sisters are very close, and i doubt she would lie about this. What should i do?
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Help with my sister? - March 4th 2012, 05:41 AM

Ask her if she was 19, would she date a 15 year old. Don't be mean about it, but just try to get the point across that she'll have more in common with boys around her age.
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Chris Offline
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Re: Help with my sister? - March 4th 2012, 04:15 PM

I agree with what the above post said.

But you do also have to understand that although its a big age gap, and not to mention basically illegal in some parts of the world, but if they want to date, then they will date - and there isn't much you can do. I say the word 'much' because you can do somethings to try to get her away from him, but ultimately even if you do, who's to say that when she goes out with friends she isn't with him instead.

My personal beliefs say that this is wrong and that an age gap like this is alittle to big. But my professional side (and the benefit of the doubt) tells me that yes in some cases it is wrong, but it is also up to the two people involved in the relationship to do as they please. Just because there is an age gap - doesn't mean the relationship cant be successful in the long run. At a young age, I agree that kids/teens should stick to there own age group, but as we get older, its rare that you find someone to have a relationship with that you are the SAME age. In most cases there is anywhere between an 2-6 year difference.

In the end you can be a big older sister and try to talk to her about it (or try to persuade her to break up with him), but its not like you can forcefully break them up. But I warn you now, that if you do decide to take action (which I don't recommend by the way), then be ready to face the consequences of your actions:
-Risking a fail trust relationship between your sister.
-Risking your sister trying to get you back in some way (making things in your life difficult).
-Risking your sister holding a grudge and not talk to you.
-Risking (in rare but bad cases) an alcohol or drug substitute (where a person feels they have no where to go or anyone to talk to, thus they turn to a solution which in alot of cases is Alcohol or drugs).

Now I'm not saying let her do whatever she wants - I just felt it necessary to list the possible outcome(s) to your interference which her relationship. I think you need to think about this situation alittle more before you take any action.

Best wishes,

I hope you know that you deserve it all. The best, the most honest, the most beautiful purest love in the world. Not only to be loved by others, but to be loved by yourself. To look in the mirror and think "Yes, I'm exactly who I want to be". To speak up and be proud of yourself. To be brave and open. You deserve the nicest and most caring people to walk into your life. You deserve it all, you know. The whole world...
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Re: Help with my sister? - March 4th 2012, 05:07 PM

Chris, you're always so articulate. :P

Anyway, another reason I was thinking...I don't see why a 19 year old boy would want to date someone so much younger then him, except for one reason. :I. I'm sure we can all get what I'm implying.
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Re: Help with my sister? - March 4th 2012, 06:27 PM

Amanda, until you confirm anything, this is just rumor. So, Step One is determining the truthfulness of this tidbit. To do this you'd need to ask your sisters how they came to this info and determine if it's credible. If it is, then you should tell your folks, who would be in the best position to take some action here. The idea being that you're hearing this not so much b/c it's juicy gossip..or they're jealous and want to get her in trouble..... but rather that they are concerned about 15's well being. And THAT is best left to mom and dad. (See also: Good boundaries).

The issue of loyalty and such comes up..whenever one family member confides in another it can get awkward for obvious reasons. The way around that is to always, always have as a policy that you don't 'Keep secrets'...most especially when there's some risk of harm in doing so. So, your role is to determine credibility, and if the info turns out to be true, then your responsibility is to tell your folks as it's their responsibility to address this, not yours, and not your sisters. If you want to discuss your concerns with 15 you're obviously free to do so, but not in lieu of your parents.

Lastly, the issue of age difference comes up a lot, and typically, as you get older, it's not as significant, b/c by the age of adulthood, there's been a more uniform level of emotional development, and the differences btw'n people is related more to life experience or personality, not development. So, the risks aren't as significant. However, a 15 y/o romantically involved with a 19 y/o is typically trouble for 15, and therefore these things are best seen as entanglements rather than romantic relationships.
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