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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
JustSomeone Offline
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Playing the victim - March 8th 2012, 01:50 AM

Ok. First of all, this is online but it still bothers me.
I have an online friend who I've known for quite a long time. She's a lot older than me but we have a lot of similar interests so I got to know her on a forum and we've been friends since.

The only problem is I can't help but thing she enjoys playing the victim and it's beginning to eat at me. There's been little odd things that bother me. Tonight she got upset because someone used a "rude tone" with her and called her by her real name on a site and I don't know if she's mad at me now or what, because when i said I think she's overreacting a bit and that if she calms down she'll be ok, she logged off. It's almost as if she only wants to talk to me if I'm agreeing with everything she says.

I always thought she was nice to everyone but i feel as if she puts on an act. Any time anyone says something she doesn't like she will freak out and talk about she doesn't like them, etc.

I don't know what to do in situations like this, because i know it's only online but i don't feel like i can ignore her, and i think if i did it would just cause her to be depressed. I know she's had a lot of bad things happen in her life but i feel as if she uses that to play the victim today. like... a lot of people have bad things in their life but they shouldn't use that as an excuse their whole life either!

Anyway idk what i'm really asking i just needed opinions on what to do about people like this
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Chris Offline
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Re: Playing the victim - March 8th 2012, 04:08 AM

You cant change how people are, all you can do is either play along with there little game, or ignore them. I know both sides of this situation.

I think that for this situation, you should just send her a message, and let her know you are there for her, but you feel shes playing victim all the time. Express your feelings in a mature manner, and let her know that you care about her, but you feel that some things need to stop, or the victim role needs to end. She wont even think about changing if no one tells her. She may feel that she has no one to turn to, so the only thing that makes her cope/feel better is if she plays that 'victim' role. So make sure you let her know that you are always willing to listen, but if she continued to get mad over small things, then there isn't much you can do.

She will either be mad, and send back a rude response (in which case I would distance myself from her for alittle bit), or she will say shes sorry and will try to improve. Either way I think is a win-win because she will then realize that there is someone who is willing to listen, and there is also someone who spots her playing the victim role.

Best wishes,

I hope you know that you deserve it all. The best, the most honest, the most beautiful purest love in the world. Not only to be loved by others, but to be loved by yourself. To look in the mirror and think "Yes, I'm exactly who I want to be". To speak up and be proud of yourself. To be brave and open. You deserve the nicest and most caring people to walk into your life. You deserve it all, you know. The whole world...
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Re: Playing the victim - March 9th 2012, 12:48 AM

I agree with Chris' idea to send a message; however, I'm not sure it would be wise to use the word "victim" and phrase "victim role" in your message. That could come across as TOO confrontational. The vibe I'm getting is that your friend is very insecure, and she craves affirmation from others. When she doesn't receive that, or she detects even the SLIGHTEST hint of criticism, she feels the need to protect herself, hence the "freaking out" and logging off abruptly. So telling her she needs to stop being the "victim" or playing the "victim role" won't get you anywhere.

Instead, I would focus on how her actions aren't helping her, and how they're taking a toll on your friendship. You don't have to tell her she's being a "victim"; instead, you can point out that reacting negatively whenever someone doesn't agree with her won't allow her to learn/grow from her experiences, and that abruptly logging off doesn't give you two the opportunity to discuss the problem and make amends. By taking this approach, you aren't "calling her names" by saying she's a "victim," and you're not making any subjective judgments by saying she plays the "victim role." Instead, you're sticking to the facts - behaviors that you have observed, and how that has had a negative impact on the both of you. Bring it to her attention in a loving way, and hopefully, she will listen (or if she "freaks out" and logs off, one can hope that she will "come around" later on and resume the conversation with you).

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Re: Playing the victim - March 9th 2012, 03:10 AM

Thanks you two for the advice, you've been a big help
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