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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
hoʻonani i ka makua mau
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Name: Nicole
Age: 26
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family and graduation - March 19th 2012, 05:37 AM

And everyone wonders why I don't want to walk at graduation...

It causes so much drama in my family, and no one seems to get that. I can’t even be happy about my own graduation because no matter what I do someone is gonna be pissed. There’s only 8 more weeks of high school and I’m so fucking frustrated with everything that I really just don’t care. As much as I want both my parents to be there on that night, I know it won’t work out. And that makes me really upset. And it’s really just pushing me to the point of not even wanting to walk. Yeah, I’ve done so much for my school the past 3 and a half years, and in my eyes, I really do deserve to walk with everyone else on graduation night. But I can’t be happy about it no matter what the outcome.

I want both my parents to be there so badly. I know that my dad was a shitty father a lot of the time, and that he wasn’t the father he should have been. But he’s still my dad and I know this is important to him. He never calls me, but tonight he did. Asking about graduation. And I told him I probably just wasn’t going to walk. And he got upset, genuinely upset. He told me how he waited 18 years for this and how he hasn’t seen me in years and how important this was to him. I don’t want to make him upset and not walk, but I know that if he shows up on graduation night, shit is gonna hit the fan. I kind of agree with my mom that he shouldn't come. He chose not to be a parent for the past God knows how many years. You can't do this picky chosey shit as a parent. You're either all in, or all out. So I dunno.

My mom doesn’t want him there. None of my family on this side does. They don’t feel like he helped to raise me at all, and in reality I guess he hasn't, so why should he deserve to be there on the most important night of my high school career? Honestly though, with all the drama, it’s starting to feel less and less important to me.

Deep down, I really want to be happy about what I’ve accomplished. But if all it’s doing is tearing my family even further apart, then how can I be happy?

What the fuck am I supposed to do? Do I piss off my mom or my dad? Either way I don't win, it's a lose/lose. So what am I supposed to do?

Last edited by asian persuasion; March 19th 2012 at 12:06 PM.
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: family and graduation - March 19th 2012, 08:00 AM

Try explaining to both of them what you posted here, such as you're feeling on edge and don't want your important day to turn into a shitstorm. Both your parents obviously care about you and your graduation, so I'm sure they would come to a consensus on your behalf. As for choosing who should come, tell them you want both of them there but know it's not going to happen peacefully, so tell them you have tickets for both. If either starts some shit regardless of the reason, let them know ahead of time they'll have ruined one of their daughter's most important days of her life that will carry through for as long as you live. They're both grown adults so let them know it's time to start acting their age, at least for the graduation.

In other words, grab both of your parents by the balls/ovaries and walk with your hide up, not too high like a jerk and not too low as though you're sulking but high enough to show pride.

I can rip you off, and steal all your cash, suckerpunch you in the face, stand back and laugh. Leave you stranded as fast as a heart-attack.
- Danko Jones (I Think Bad Thoughts)
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Re: family and graduation - March 19th 2012, 10:05 AM

Seriously I can say the graduation will be your big day and you should talk to you parents, especially from your mother's side to put aside all their feelings about the whole who raises who matters as this is not merely just about their feelings but it's about YOU. You're the one who's going to graduate and you deserve to have your parents there despite of whatever happened between them. I think if your mother and everyone from her family side loves you, they should've put aside their ego and let your father comes.

I think for now you should be honest with them what you want for your graduation and your reasons why. Tell them all your feelings and how important both of them to be present there on your graduation, how you want to see them being proud of you. Yes, not only your mother but your father as well since you've been working so hard all these years. And I think they should respect your decision to have your father at the graduation somehow as it is YOUR graduation, not theirs. The best thing is just to be honest about your feelings to them really.

I hope everything will turn out well for you and congratulation for the upcoming graduation!

Love is but the discovery of ourselves in others, and the delight in the recognition. - Alexander Smith

Change and growth take place when a person has risked himself and dares to become involved with experimenting with his own life. - Herbert Otto

  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: family and graduation - March 19th 2012, 03:44 PM

Nicole, this is a big day for you, you should participate. And, it should be your call on who attends. And frankly, how they behave. HS graduation is a once in a lifetime event...your event...and you will always remember it. Therefore, you're in charge. Take control here and set some expectations.

I'd tell both your folks that this day is very important to you, that it is that once in a lifer moment..and they need to behave themselves. Whatever their issues with each other are, or have been..can be put aside for the few hours that you're participating in this monumental event.

As a FWIW, regardless of how much your dad might have let you down in the past, his acknowledgment of the specialness of this day and his need to participate earns him a couple of gold stars here..it sounds like you've waited a long time for that, and for that reason alone, his participation here might turn out to be a very good thing, indeed.

PM me with the link of the post you'd like me to respond to.
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