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Name: Kimmi
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Fake friends? Or do I just need to let it go? - March 22nd 2012, 06:33 AM

I know this is long but I'd really appreciate any help because my head is currently spinning. (Summary: A rumor from H.S. spread that could have negatively effected my life in a very serious way. I'm being told lies about who spread it - both best friends of mine at the time - and I don't know who to believe, who to trust, or what to do. It's important to find answers though. Please help?)

I have four friends that are not my BEST friends but they were close to me in High School. I'm a freshman in college now so everything has kind of shifted for all of us, but we're still managing to hang out every once in a while. We've become kind of distant and separate but that's normal and it's healthy for our relationship anyway. We don't want to be completely separate and distance ourselves from people in High School already, but we've come across an argument that pushed us apart in High School and was considered "resolved". It'll make sense when I tell the story.

Basically sophomore year of High School I met this girl and we hit it off almost right away. We were basically best friends and told each other everything. For the first year, everything was perfect and we were really close. We'll call her A. That same year I met a girl who moved from New York who was really close to me as well. She got me through a lot of stuff that I hadn't expected myself to go through. (Depression mostly). We'll call her N. N and I had several fallouts throughout sophomore year and ended up becoming basically enemies for the next two years. We couldn't get along and she spread tons of rumors about me. It went around that I was a lesbian and was hitting on her though I'm still unsure of who exactly started that. Junior year came along and A kind of forced me to be friends with her best friend E. E and A grew up together but E and I had issues because E felt the need to compete for A's friendship. She always wanted to be better than me and always had to one-up me. This put a strain on my friendship with A and we started fighting a lot more than normal. N and I still weren't friends. Not even close. It went around again that I was lesbian but I denied everything. Senior year N and I started to get along again because we were in several after-school activities together and pretty much needed to get along for the sake of surviving senior year. C came into the picture as a freshman boy who LOVED both me and N. We were the three best friends, but A and E were still close with me. First semester went smoothly without any memorable disputes and A got her first serious boyfriend. E and her boyfriend had been going steady for some time and C was coming to terms with his sexuality. N and I were the most supportive of C's decision to keep his sexuality a secret. Finally - I came out to C and N. A suspected it and figured it out, much later E found out. Other friends knew that I was bi but didn't really care. The end of first semester rolls around and I'm getting sick of hearing about A's new relationship. I start to realize that this could be because I have feelings for her, so I tell E, C, and N that I need space from her to heal. A confronted N and E about missing me and so E told A exactly what was going on before I could okay it. After hearing what A had said I knew I had to tell her what was going on so I confronted her about it.

The next day, I had people coming up to me congratulating me on coming out as a lesbian but mortified that I had asked A out and wouldn't take no for an answer. This hadn't even happened. I had labeled myself as bi and I told A that I needed time away from her. A's the kind of person that thinks everybody is "in love" with her and so I assume she told her boyfriend. Her boyfriend and I are good friends too so I asked him if he was the one who told. After time, I realized I couldn't trust A or her boyfriend and I really didn't need to be friends with them. I kept my distance and we became acquaintances - though it was clear that we didn't fully trust each other.

Recently we hung out and it was apparent that we both fully trusted each other. Apologies for misunderstandings were exchanged and she sat me down and told me (what she wanted me to believe) the truth. She told me E was the one who told everybody that I was lesbian and that I had asked A out because (even if it wasn't intentional) she couldn't keep a secret for the life of her. After asking E about all the accusations she said that she would never do that and that she would remember if something had happened. Now I know C wasn't a part of it because he was barely involved and had only overheard that I liked A. N was just as shocked as I was to find out that the rumor had gotten around. She was there when people asked me about it for the first time and the look of shock on her face could NOT be faked. That leaves A and her boyfriend or E. They're both just pinning it back and forth on each other and the thing is - I would normally let this go. But this one event changed my life (almost to the point of me dropping out of High School). It's not something I can take lightly and I don't want to trust anybody who doesn't take my secrets or personal life seriously. So now I haven't been trusting either, knowing I'll never really get my answer. -_____-

I guess I just want to know - what do I do now? Do I continue to not trust them but hang out with them on occasion to keep the acquaintance thing going since memories or not yet completely forgotten and the positive moments outweigh SOME of the bad? Or do I tell them that since I can't get an honest answer I'm done? Do I pick who to believe? My head is spinning and I can't get answers and I can't stop feeling betrayed but I don't even know who betrayed me.
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Re: Fake friends? Or do I just need to let it go? - March 22nd 2012, 07:39 PM

That's a tough situation, Kimmi. =/ I haven't had this problem with friends, but I've had trust issues with my mom and current stepmom. Obviously, I can't break off my relationship with them like you could break off your friendships with A and E, but I know how conflicted you must be feeling at the moment. In my case, I've chosen to 1) limit my contact, and 2) limit the content of our conversations. I do maintain relationships, but they're pretty "safe" in the sense that they're superficial. They can't hurt me if they don't know what's really going on.

So the question is, are you okay with having those sorts of friendships? I mean, I'm sure you already have acquaintances whom you don't share everything with (because you're not close enough to trust them), but you still enjoy their company from time to time. Would you be okay doing that with A and E? Or would the past bring up too much pain for you? What would feel better - having a superficial relationship and enjoying their company on that level, or completely cutting them out of your life? Only you can make that decision. Fortunately, I don't think you have to rush into making that decision. You can feel things out for as long as you need to. Hang out with them a few times, and if it just doesn't work for you, cut them out of your life.

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