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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Celyn Offline
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Growing apart or something else? - March 23rd 2012, 05:54 PM

I have known my best friend for about 10 years. She helped me when I was going through a bad time, and felt like I had no-one to turn to (I was bullied at high school, I told the teachers, but the bullying continued, I didn't tell my parents, so I told my best friend, Jade, and she helped me. I was very anxious about school to the point of throwing up in the mornings and feeling sick every morning. My parents never guessed anything was wrong, and I began having panic attacks. I told my parents since I was very worried about them and they laughed at me. So to recap, I had no friends, was getting bullied and my parents weren't helping....this was all 8 years ago by the way). I felt like a pain always telling Jade my current problems. I tried not to by the way. I used be really bad and write to her, email her, text her and go on msn all the time. I am really glad that she was "there" for me (she moved schools, so there was a physical distance between us), though at the same time I feel really stupid and annoyed at myself for putting her through that.

Over the years, I made a conscious effort to not moan to her about my problems. So naturally, we stopped writing to each other (it took too long), and I never had any money on my phone to text, so we would email each other. Though it was obvious that there was less contact, we still had a strong friendship.

There were improvements in school. Since I had put up with the bullying, then the bullies got bored and didn't bother me as much. Even better when we had to choose the classes we wanted to take. So I felt happier and had less to complain about. I made a few friends, not many, but it was a start. Me and Jade still kept in contact though.

However, my dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer's 3 years ago. And once again, my life was hell. I didn't tell Jade this since I didn't know how to. But in the end I had to. However, I have never moaned about my dad and my family, to Jade. Then last summer, Jade sent me an email, about how I should make a big effort to make friends when I start university, but (not in these words) that I shouldn't rely on her with my problems. I understand the first part, and I have done exactly that, I have great friends in university and I get on with everyone in my group and generally everyone at university, and I am really happy. But I got a bit annoyed and upset about the "not relying on her" since my greatest worries and stresses in my life back then and still is my dad and family, which I have never moaned about. And the fact that our contact was limited to emails, I couldn't understand why she was saying this. We had less contact, and I stopped moaning about things, generally, so I couldn't understand where this was coming from.

Now she rarely talks to me. We don't email, and we are both on Facebook, a lot, but she rarely talks to me. Instead, she talks to all her university friends, who she sees everyday, and leaves me and all her old school friends out. I have never seen this with my friends- everyone has a balance between new uni friends, and old school friends. She puts up ambiguous, statuses that you can tell she is upset or annoyed at something, but don't know what. So I ask her if she is OK, and she ignores me. I asked again a day later, and she said she was fine. I thought that was attention seeking since she did it to her uni friend as well, on a separate occasion. She also broke up with her best friend from high school 2 years ago, and is now friends with this other girl, who she hated in high school, who hated her too. Even more odd, is that this other girl's best friend, is also Jade's ex best friend. I just think it's all fake- especially the attention seeking statuses and the swearing(we never used ot swear). She is in the top university, she has lots of friends, she is enjoying the course, but hates coming home for the holidays since she "doesn't see eye to eye" with them any more. Meanwhile, I was lucky to get into my uni, I do have good friends and I love my course, but at least she has parents. I'm slowly losing my dad, and my mum is his main carer, so in a way, I feel like I don't have much of a family. I mean, how many teenagers don't see eye to eye with their parents? Why can't she be happy? Why is she like this, when she is better off than me?

I fear it is either we are growing apart, she is changing, I'm being stupid, I have ruined her life by moaning to her when I was younger, or she is moaning as a subtle payback for what I did, or there is a deeper issue. Or a social class issue. Since I commented on her status the other day, and her friend was complaining because he had so many holidays to go on, and Jade pursued this conversation on her status and I got the notifications. The last time I went on holiday was when I was 8...and Jade knows that. I feel really bad for saying all of this, but I just feel like I don't know her any more.

Any ideas would be welcome.
   
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Re: Growing apart or something else? - March 23rd 2012, 10:44 PM

It could be any number of things, really. Perhaps Jade was the "caretaker" for so long that she's "burnt out" and doesn't want to hear about ANY complaining, even if it's only once every couple of months. She may be hyper-sensitive to it now, because she dealt with so much of it in the past. Don't blame yourself, because there's nothing you can do to change the past. You've made a sincere effort to change the present day, which is what really matters. =) Unfortunately, these things CAN happen with old friends.

It could also be that Jade is having a difficult time adjusting to university life. It may seem like her life is "perfect" on the outside, but she could be dealing with homesickness, academic stress, social stress, financial stress, etc. Posting those status updates could be a not-so-subtle way of asking for support. It may seem like attention-seeking behavior, but she may not know how else to express herself.

Not everyone chooses to stay in touch with old friends after leaving for university. In my case, I definitely lost touch with all but a few of my old friends. It's not that I no longer cared about them - it's that I no longer had as much in common with them. I also wanted to focus my efforts on making friends at the university - I didn't want to dwell too much on the "past" and miss out on opportunities to make connections in the "present." Jade may not feel she has as much in common with you anymore, or she may still be focusing her efforts on developing new friendships and hasn't found a balance yet.

The bottom-line is that there are a lot of uncertainties, and since you're no longer close to her, you may never get the answers you're looking for. It may be time to adjust your expectations: reach out to her occasionally (asking her how life is and offering to hang out with her during an academic break), but focus on the friends who put just as much into your friendship as you do. Jade may or may not reconnect, but you can't sit around wondering what's wrong with her in the meantime. Trust that she's going to sort things out sooner or later, with or without your help. Don't let the resentment toward Jade distract you from enjoying what you DO have. =)






   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Growing apart or something else? - March 25th 2012, 10:55 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by PSY View Post


The bottom-line is that there are a lot of uncertainties, and since you're no longer close to her, you may never get the answers you're looking for. It may be time to adjust your expectations: reach out to her occasionally (asking her how life is and offering to hang out with her during an academic break), but focus on the friends who put just as much into your friendship as you do. Jade may or may not reconnect, but you can't sit around wondering what's wrong with her in the meantime. Trust that she's going to sort things out sooner or later, with or without your help. Don't let the resentment toward Jade distract you from enjoying what you DO have. =)
Agree! Thanks I spoke to her yesterday, she seemed okay, I think it was stress. I know we have both moved on with our social lives, so I shouldn't be relying on Jade at all by now. So I'm working on that. But we have agreed to hang out this holiday, which is cool, so no hard feelings or anything

Can someone close this now, please?
   
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Re: Growing apart or something else? - March 25th 2012, 11:04 PM

I'm glad you were able to gain some closure regarding all of this, and I hope things work out between the two of you! Since the issue has been resolved, I'm closing your thread. =)






   
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