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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Kupo Offline
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How do you be a nice person, but not a pushover? - April 1st 2009, 12:48 PM

I wasn't sure where to put it. Either over here or at the School section, but I'm guessing this makes more sense. I have two dillemas, but instead of posting two topics. I'll just combine it here.


Anyway I'm a pretty nice guy and hang out with a group of friends at school. I'm usually the clown/funny guy and make people laugh in order to brighten up people's day. I'm legitimately clumsy, I sometimes walk into a joke intentionally, sometimes accidental and yeah we tease each other. I wanted to be a reliable type best friend who brightens up peoples day, somebody you can talk to. But boy did that goal go as planned? Sadly not.

I don't really get taken seriously, unless we have 'talks'. hat I mean by talks is basically serious gossip, not the casual ones. Other than that, they might not know it but then sometimes they blatantly become disrespectful and rude. They say things like 'SHUT UP' or 'I DON'T WANT TO SIT NEXT TO YOU', and I can't tell whether they are serious or sarcastic or both. When I was considering applying for a job at a place he was President in a Division of, he instantly yelled 'YOUR NOT GOING TO MAKE IT/GET THE JOB' without considering that this might be the next phase in my life and starting to get more independent responsibility. If I don't make it at least I got the experience of the interview. He's a f****** power abuser too. He's the president of Key Club (Volunteer Service) at school, Major/Soon to be Colonel at my JROTC program at school and President of the Volunteer place I work at and pays 'close' particular attention to me and always has to criticize me on everything. Surprisingsly this person didn't even treated me like a lower person last year, but changed this year. One can say I'm overreacting, but once you experience enough of what I'm feeling, you can understand. The worst part is, I always get ganged up upon so I'm always wrong.

A few months ago during a Talent Show me and my friends volunteered to work at, my friend and I discussed one of her neighborhood friends that I met in person before and she said. "He's nicer than you man." and that kinda hit me. I wasn't jealous or anything, but I was kinda wondering how he's "nicer" than me, but doesn't get have the same treatment as me. He's actually quite similar to me in terms of personality. I wanted to know how and that is what lead me to ask here. I don't want to be a person who gets mad. I'm not the type to get mad/furious. Only on rare occasions. The most I get is annoyed. But maybe I should start to be angry. But.. then I'll be labled as an bipolar asshole. Wow I hate this situation.

Last edited by Kupo; April 3rd 2009 at 01:19 AM.
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Olive, always Offline
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Re: How do you be a nice person, but not a pushover? + Another Problem - April 1st 2009, 02:44 PM

It's definitely a balance, and with the social stereotypes that you have to follow as a guy - it makes my head spin a little bit! I'll try my best to help, however.
It's understandable that you're upset the way you are - you have the right to be. People change as friends and, simply put, it just sucks, really.
My best advice for clearing up the situation is just to talk to him - see what's going through his mind. Granted, he seems a little immature so this might not go over well, but it's worth a go.
Is there rivlary/marked competition in your relationship? I'm just curious as to that as well.

  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: How do you be a nice person, but not a pushover? + Another Problem - April 1st 2009, 03:00 PM

In Problem 1, I'm talking about two different people. One girl in the beginning about the sarcastic/serious remarks. Let's call her Anna. Not her real name, but yeah. The guy, that is the power hungry power abuser, lets call him Nate.

Problem 2 is one of my best friends.

Sorry I didn't clear it up before.

I'll respond more detailed later, I have to run to school now! But hope that clears things up.
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: How do you be a nice person, but not a pushover? + Another Problem - April 1st 2009, 09:43 PM

Hi Kupo,

You know what? Don't listen to your friends when they say those remarks to you. They aren't being very nice about it, and frankly I don't know why they are saying those things. If they want to sit next to someone else, then they should do so, but telling you to shut up or move isn't appropriate at all. What's worse is that it's hard to tell if they are joking. Maybe ask them why they are saying those things, or why they don't want you talking with them or sitting with them. That may give more insight on whether or not they are joking around with you. After their explanation, just say that you were worried that they were serious and that you didn't feel too good about it. Hopefully they'll smarten up.

As for applying to the job and that guy saying you shouldn't and wouldn't make it- why not try to prove him wrong? Apply for the position, go through the process, and if you don't make it, then you tried and that's a huge step to success. Or if you are interested in another position (or don't want to work with that guy), apply to a different job and see how you do. You'll never know until you try, right?

You sound like a nice guy and it sounds like you're only trying to be a good friend, so don't let that girl's comments upset you. She can't compare you to that other guy- you are both different and original people. There's no need to get competitive with a person you don't even know!
Again, I would suggest the 'why' question in response to that kind of comment, or 'how so?'. Or just say it straight, 'Are you trying to hurt my feelings?'. How you say it is up to you, but I think it would be a good idea to get your point across without getting angry.

As for problem 2, your friend is allowed to sit next to who he wants. He's probably interested in the girl he's sitting with, and maybe with the project thing, he just wants to see how it is working with another person. Don't let it get to you. Make some new friends in your classes and get to know them better. It could be a good learning opportunity. Next time, try to ask your friend first if you want to work with him.

I hope that helped! If you want to talk some more, just send me a message.

The great artists of our time are the ones who created something timeless. But it was never them defining it that way.
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Re: How do you be a nice person, but not a pushover? + Another Problem - April 3rd 2009, 01:27 AM

Haha thanks.

Don't worry about Problem 2 right now. I need to get more detail with that but right now is not the time. I'll make a new topic some other day. It sounds less selfish than you think, haha.

But as for Problem 1 comments, I'll respond later. No time at the moment, haha. =(
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Re: How do you be a nice person, but not a pushover? + Another Problem - April 3rd 2009, 02:27 AM

I'd been in the same position since about 6th grade up until recently.
Never figure you need to be mean to get treated the way you wanted, being mean is never the answer (everyone gets angry, but intentionally being mean is just wrong).
Try being stern with your friends when they treat you like that. You're not being mean, it's just you saying "i've had enough of you treating me like that".
Tell them that it really hurts when they say stuff like that. If you don't want to appear vulnerable, use sarcasm like "wow, thanks, that makes me feel good".

"What do we live for, if not to make life less difficult for each other?"
-George Eliot

"Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it."
-Groucho Marx

"Don't be afraid your life will end; be afraid that it will never begin."
-Grace Hansen
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