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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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a matter of money... - March 28th 2012, 09:56 PM

sorry, its long.....
So, my best friend (not the one i work with) has like no clue as to how much things cost or anything about money.......she likes going to see movies and going out to eat and stuff like that, but i dont have the money to do that all the time and neither does she....erm, her parents. Her parents are going thru a rough time with the economy and everything but she doesnt see that at all, i mean i love her she's my best friend, but sometimes with her, as long as she gets what she wants, she doesnt care what it cost, she probably doesnt even realize how much things cost, here lately she's been spending the weekends with her sister and her brother-in-law and spending their money, they dont have that kind of money either, but bc they've always given in to her, they dont tell her no...and now my mom wants me to try to talk to her about her spending or whatever....how can i tell her without hurting her feelings or ruining our friendship? or should i just drop the whole thing and not worry about it?
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Re: a matter of money... - March 28th 2012, 11:16 PM

I think you are a true friend and I can tell that because you are willing to talk to your friend about a concept she just does not get.
I think you should try sitting down with her and if possible, have a list of some prices for things that she has had people get or gotten with you in the past couple of weeks. Show her this paper and explain how much everything costs and the totals and then let her know that while you and everyone else, do enjoy going out and having fun, everything adds up quick and sometimes, we have to sacrifice fun or alter what we do for fun in order to save money for more important things such as necessities.
You can also let her know that she has to work for her money, while you are not her parent, maybe you can have a talk with her parents, brother and sister and explain to them that you are worried about how them just giving her money is affecting it. You could explain that as long as your friend helps out, if she doesn't at this moment, she can earn money for any chores or help she does around the house. (kinda like an allowance.)
That way your friend can gain money while helping others , hopefully soon, when she doesn't feel like helping or doing anything, they can say to her when she approaches them for money no because she didn't help. Maybe after realizing that her doing nothing is going to get her just that, she can create a system where she gets money only when she will help for it.
I'm not sure how well this will work but it is worth a try I suppose.
Let me know how things turn out, k?


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Re: a matter of money... - March 28th 2012, 11:23 PM

i really like that idea, its a great one but the only problem with that is that she does recieve an allowance each week.....and talking with her parents(mainly her mom) is out of the question, her mom gets mad and offended if someone says something bad about her kids(bad as in habits etc.) its like she doesnt see that my friend ever does any wrong, and yes i'll say it, my friend is spoiled...no way around it
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Re: a matter of money... - March 29th 2012, 12:34 AM

Do you have any sort of way of talking with her sister and brother-in-law? Would they be easier to approach than her mom? If so, you could talk with them and explain your concerns and see if they get it, without being offended and if they are willing, then they can talk to her parents about this. (Maybe coming from family the reaction won't be as angered or deffensive?)
It is really great you want to help her with this. I have a colleged aged family member struggling with this same issue of not understanding the importance of keeping money and not understanding that using it all up is a problem. (She has a boyfriend and they go on three or four dates out a week and that does not include the gas money she uses, the things she buys for herself or any other expenses she has.)
So, I get where you are coming from knowing someone like this. It can be really frustrating for us somewhat frugal people, but if she has times when her wants for buying things are not always met, she will learn very quickly that she can not always buy what she wants. Also, once there is no money for her to get out of people and if she does not support herself, that will come as a moment of realization. (Let's hope she doesn't get to that point because that would be unfortunate, but it could be come reality if no one takes action.)
I'm not saying quit spending on things she wants completely, just limit it and realize when spending is just to much on luxury and needs to be more on necessities and other things.
I hope I'm helping here.


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Re: a matter of money... - March 29th 2012, 01:02 AM

you are helping me i had no idea how to go about this and now ive got some new ways and things to think about, i could try talking with her sister and brother-in-law, thanks
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Re: a matter of money... - March 29th 2012, 01:31 AM

That is great. I'm glad I've been of some help to you.
I hope talking with them goes well for you.


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Re: a matter of money... - March 30th 2012, 02:32 AM

While I understand your concerns, I think this is a family matter, and it's not your place to get involved. If she was pressuring YOU and spending YOUR money, that would be one thing... but it's up to your friend's parents and other relatives to set limits, not you. I can't see anything good coming out of telling her how she can and can't spend her family members' money.






   
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Re: a matter of money... - March 30th 2012, 02:37 AM

I totally agree, but my mom was kinda annoyed with my friend treating her parents like she does and asked me to say something, i dont think her family will set limits because they never have.....they've always given in to her and i doubt they'll stop now :/
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Re: a matter of money... - March 30th 2012, 02:43 AM

Then maybe your mom can talk to your friend's mom... but honestly, it's not your place to say anything to your friend, nor is it really your mom's place to say anything to your friend (I mean, just think for a minute about the negative effect that could have on your friendship if your mom put your friend down). Mom-to-mom would be one thing, but anything else would seem downright nosey/intrusive. So what if her family doesn't set limits? Sure, that's not a GOOD thing, but how is it ultimately any of your business? People make bad decisions all the time... are you going to tell everyone what you think, regardless of whether or not it has a direct effect on you? No, of course not, because it causes more trouble than it's worth! Sometimes, you have to trust that people will get their act together and put their foot down, regardless of anything you may say or do.






   
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Re: a matter of money... - March 30th 2012, 02:47 AM

thanks i was really really unsure on what to do about this....i dont wanna ruin a ten year friendship.......
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