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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Name: untilted
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born to be an antagonist :( - April 2nd 2009, 03:05 PM

Everytime I try to take a big step for my parents to be happy with me, I just keep on falling 1000 steps back from where it all began. I know I haven't been nice with them these past few weeks because I am so engrossed with my studies, but that is only because I wanted to be recognize so they have something to be proud for. I'm not an academic achiever nor was I a hardworking student. I never won awards for them nor made them climb up on stage to recieve my medals. I'm a lazy brat since I was kid and I know how my parents are dying for a single achievement from me.

But everything's just so strange. I finished my 4th year requirements just in time and even got a reward for it, without having them to go to the school and plea for me to graduate like they did to my brother. I was so enthusiastic to inform them about it but they responded with a simple "that's nice". I'm like, "what??!??". For someone like me to have that is already unbelieveable! And I as I continue to show them my awards, they just ignored me... completely. They won't even believe it was my achievement and told me sarcastically that my teacher was just being kind to pass me on my exams. It was a joke but it felt like a knife stuck on my chest that won't pull out. And what made it worse is that when my brother (who failed 3 major subjects on his 2nd sem) texted my parents saying he was able to pass his exam on anatomy, they were like so happy and even showed me the message. I don't know if they are purposely mocking the phone into my face, but if they were, I say they are quite successful. I was quiet in the backseat all throughout and they didn't even bother asking why.

My dad didn't even want to attend my graduation in the first place, but manage to come anyway. After the ceremony, he left early without saying a word, and mom and I went home like nothing happen. We didn't ate/celebrate outside. When my bro graduated we all ate together outside. He had many issues with the school before he was finally given a go to graduate. I had a clean record how come he gets all the attention?? He had a graduation gift and I received none. My friends got i-phones and all that but me?? I had none.

All my hardwork was just like a breeze. It carried away into nothingness. I feel like my efforts are not needed. When I'm bad they get angry and ask me to change right away. But when I'm trying my best to be good, they are pushing me away. I'm really confused and hearbroken. I don't know if I'm really an important person. All my life I was told that I had no hope and when I try to reach for it I get stomped.

Same thing with my friends. I just don't know right now if I really have one. All I did was listen to somebody's problems and try to decifer solutions for them. They didn't even ask what I've been going through. I've been going to my friend's house to help her, so that she won't be alone or sad, but when it comes to saying who are her real friends are, I'm excluded. It's like I'm always with her, talking to her day and night. Listening her talking shit with other people who she later calls as her friends?!!????! What about me? I tried the best way I can to be liked and to be loved. And to change myself for them. Because I don't want to be the bad guy forever. I want to change. I don't want to be the person who makes people cry. I don't want to be the person whom people hide their secrets from. I don't want to be the person they are afraid of. I don't want to be the person they don't want to trust with responsibility. I don't want to be the person who hurts. I don't want to be the person who makes bad stories for good people. I don't want to be the person that everyone hates. Why am I always the outcast? Why don't I have a someone like the good guys have?

But whenever I think about it, it feels like l'm now slowly beggining to believe that there are people in this world that are born to be bad people for the enhancement of the good ones regardless of their flaws. I guess I'm just unworthy of this role...

And whatever the reason I'm born in this world, I'm just tired of it. I don't care anymore.. I'm so sick of getting mad for no reason. Sick of getting confused. Sick of being a loser. Sick of being angry at others' success. Sick of being shit everyday while others can hold somebody to get by. Sick of being unloved. Sick of rejection.. I guess I'll just do nothing and drop my ambitions and be sad for the rest of my life.

...did I say I hate emo? gawd I'm being like one right now.
wish i was someone else. too bad I can't. I can't even commit suicide because I'm a walking dead man anyway...
no body cares... and I don't think someone would take an effort to read a load of crap from an emo anyway...

Last edited by wish i was my avatar; April 2nd 2009 at 03:22 PM.
   
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Re: I hate myself - April 2nd 2009, 10:36 PM

Congratulations on your awards and graduating!!! It's not fair that your parents didn't pay it proper attention, but I'd like to say I'm very proud of you and I know you will go far. Don't drop those ambitions! You deserve to do well. Don't for a minute doubt that.

I know you really want to do well for your parents, but have you considered that maybe they aren't into awards? I know they may be proud of your brother, but maybe it's just because he wasn't a big achiever and finally passed. Maybe they are proud of you without you even trying. They might just have a lousy way of showing it.

You should earn those awards and pass your courses for you. Yeah, it's good to have your parents be proud of you, but do you know what means more? Having that feeling that you've done well for yourself by yourself. You should do well for you, not anyone else.

I'm a little confused as to why that friend you were talking about doesn't consider you a friend. Are you sure that is what they think? They might consider you a friend, but are too caught up talking about what all their other friends have done. From what it sounds like, you are a great friend. I'm sure other people would think so too. Get talking to people and meet someone new. You can still keep your friendship with your other friend, but it might be a good idea to find someone more genuine and there for you as well.

I really hope you start feeling better about yourself soon. You sound like an amazing friend and talented person. You have reason to be proud

If you want to talk some more, send me a message.
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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I hate myself - April 3rd 2009, 12:54 AM

Well, whenever my friends are asked about who are those friends they can't live without, they never mention me. I'm just at the background. A support something for them. Like one time there's this card where you can say anything you want for the seniors, and I only get brief messages specially from those people who I'm close with, but surprisingly get long messages from acquaintances. It's driving me nuts! When I find someone I can get along with, when I try be their friend, it just goes upsidedown. I don't know what fate wants for me, but it's really shitty.
   
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Re: I hate myself - April 4th 2009, 05:15 PM

I really wouldn't judge by the messages your friends and acquaintances give you. Everyone writes differently, and some people just get stuck on sentimental stuff.

Eventually your friends will realize that having someone to support them is the most important friend they can have. Friends aren't just about hanging out and goofing around. I'm sure they do appreciate what you do for them, their definition of 'friend' may just be a little off.

Maybe you could try getting to know those acquaintances better? It sounds like they do think a lot of you, and there's no harm in developing new friendships.


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