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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Maiden Offline
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I really wish I hadn't looked... - April 14th 2012, 01:14 AM

Okay. I'm going to be honest. I was snooping. My younger sister is a complete mental nutcase at the moment, she's a total b---- and I was mad at her so I was snooping in her room.

Now I really wish I hadn't.

I found a box of condoms and a box of "the" pill. As well as a 'bucket list' of hers, which had, crossed off it, - go to an adult shop and buy a sex toy, - try weed, - have a romantic bath with someone and other similar things.


Now I don't know if I should tell my mum about the pill and the condoms. She has a long-term boyfriend so in some ways my brain is saying 'it's okay, she's past the age of consent and she has a boyfriend, at least she's being safe' but the other half of my brain is screaming out, well, a whole lot of nasty words.

Ever mind the Rule of Three: Three times what thou givest returns to thee: This lesson well, thou must learn: Thee only gets what thou dost earn.
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Chris Offline
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Re: I really wish I hadn't looked... - April 14th 2012, 02:03 AM

If she is above the age of consent (18 in most cases), then I would stay out of it. Don't destroy any possible relationship you may have with your sister (because I know you love her). Don't blackmail her, because that will also turn bad. Your best bet, is to keep it to yourself, do your own thing, and let her do her own thing.

While it is natural reaction to think badly upon your sister (and call her names within your thoughts), please understand that she is technically an adult (depending on your location), thus you should treat her like one. Yes, she is your little sister, but yes, she is a human - and should not be embarrassed, or harassed by you, or any member of her family (which would probably happen if you exposed some of these things).

Know that she is safe, she is an adult, and she is somewhat responsible. Let her live her own life, and make her own mistakes. Just maybe advise her you are always there to listen, and support her because one day, she may need someone to lean on, and talk to.

Best wishes,

I hope you know that you deserve it all. The best, the most honest, the most beautiful purest love in the world. Not only to be loved by others, but to be loved by yourself. To look in the mirror and think "Yes, I'm exactly who I want to be". To speak up and be proud of yourself. To be brave and open. You deserve the nicest and most caring people to walk into your life. You deserve it all, you know. The whole world...
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I really wish I hadn't looked... - April 15th 2012, 02:00 PM

she is your sister, sister protect each other, no matter what, including their secrets. i can

really relate to what you are saying b/c i can say a lot of the same things about my sister

(except she doesn't even know the meaning of sex lol). but i think you should leave it as

her personal business (maybe just tell her to calm herself down before she ends up

pregnant and a drug addict)
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I really wish I hadn't looked... - April 15th 2012, 02:26 PM

I really wouldn't go to your mother behind her back, unless she's really too young, but you say she's past the age of consent. I know exactly how you feel, I have a younger sibling and I would be horrified if I found out he'd been involved in that kind of thing and feel like he was too young, but can you imagine if you were in her position?? At her age you would have never wanted to be betrayed like that. It's always weird when you find out a younger family member isn't quite the innocent baby they seem but she's going to grow up sometime!!x

Honey, you're familiar, like my mirror, years ago
I slithered here from Eden just to sit outside your door
Níl a shíltear mar a bhítear.
Things are not always what they seem.
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Re: I really wish I hadn't looked... - April 15th 2012, 10:50 PM

Well, age of consent for things like sex is different than say, being a legal adult where you can vote. So in Canada and most states that age is 16, so if she is 16, then she really isn't doing anything that could even be considered illegal, the worst your mom could do is get mad and make her life difficult, and I highly doubt your mom would get her into trouble like that any how if she is under age of consent. I know your sister might not be behaving the most nicely, but she's being safe. But the fact of the matter is that she is being safe about it. AND it is her first love, so it isn't that unusual for young girls to get a bit defensive and snarky with their first love. It sucks and it is hard for everyone, but she'll eventually grow out of that phase.
And even you know you shouldn't of been snooping, if you thought that was ok, you'd go and talk to her directly instead of assuming the first step was to rat to your mom. All you really have on her that she is doing wrong is being snarky and mean, she's having safe sex, oh well, and if she is old enough to get birth control "in secret" I am assuming that there for that means she IS of age of consent. Which isn't something your mom can really punish. I get it, finding out you're baby sister has a bucket list full of illicit sexual acts (for the most part) is awkward, but really, people do that.
My point is, while it sounds like you guys are in a phase of not getting along, she hasn't really done anything you guys can punish. And you need to talk to her directly if nothing else.
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Re: I really wish I hadn't looked... - April 15th 2012, 11:14 PM

This actually comes up a lot IRL, Liadan. Snooping around and finding things totally provocative and juicy that you don't know what to do.

As a general rule of thumb, anything that you find that puts that person in IMMINENT harm..if she's at real risk... should be disclosed to whoever can protect her from that harm. Clearly, the risks of not doing so are far greater than the sibling explosion that will inevitably result. Perhaps in your case, b/c a change in her behavior is what prompted the bout of Sherlock Holmesing, you can skip the angry confrontation and just talk with her more generally about your concerns about her behavior? The goal all along has been to try to understand (and presumably help) her, you can do that effectively by just discussing your observations of her. The sex stuff is really a distraction.

PM me with the link of the post you'd like me to respond to.
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