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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Spikey Offline
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She told them! - April 16th 2012, 01:26 PM

So this could go in this forum, or the self-harm forum, but I decided to put it in here because it's my mother that's the problem in this post.

Basically, I dis-like my stepdad. We never get along and I honestly don't think we will until I move out. Last night, my mum said to me 'Either you or him have to go and if he leaves then that has an effect on the kids.' Doesn't this make it sound like I have to leave? I thought so, but this morning, my mum said to me that she never told me I had to leave the house. This was after I had made arrangements to live part time with my boyfriend and his family.

And today, I'm sitting in my classroom texting my boyfriend and my mum texts me saying 'I think you should live at your boyfriend's house at the weekend and spend at least one night a week having dinner at home and your boyfriend's mum is ok with this.' That was the text - without the names.

So I carry on texting my boyfriend, I'm not 100% sure if I want to move in there yet - his house has 7 people in and I can find busy places stressful, but when I'm with him, I'm fine, so it shouldn't be so bad. And my boyfriend says am I uncertain because I worry what his family think. So I asked what, as I thought his family liked me and he said 'Didn't your mum tell you that she told my mum that you self-harmed?' After a bit more questioning, I found out that my mum said that I self-harmed infront of his mum, dad and eight year old brother. And she didn't even tell me about it!!

My best friend says that my mum is just worried about me, but I don't think my mum had any right to say anything without consulting or at least telling me first. My mum didn't even think about the effect that this would have on me!! She didn't even think that maybe, just maybe, I want to be around people who don't know about my past to make it feel like a new start. Well that's all ruined now!

What do you think? Do you think my mum had a right to tell them? Especially without consulting or telling me first?

And now I don't even want to go round to my boyfriend's house because I'm worried about what his parents will think of me! Argh! The stress! It's really upset me too - I thought I could trust my mum, but she just tells whoever she thinks should know without even telling me!!

And she turns up the music, to drown out her life.

22/12/2014 was the last date I self-harmed. The longest I have gone so far is 1 year, 2 months and 5 days. This time, I hope I can give up! New record: 1 year 6 months! Yay!!
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Re: She told them! - April 16th 2012, 03:35 PM

I do think it is a bit unfair for your mom to just be telling people that she thinks you self-harm especially since it was to your boyfriends parents of all people and she should of thought of how you'd feel if they new about something like that cause you don't need them thinking of you like that.
How ever, that being said, it does sound like a complicated situation. Like your mom is basically saying she can't have you AND the step dad around and is kicking you out for it? Like really? That's extremely unfair to you in my opinion. AND she didn't even talk to you face to face, she texted the decision.
By the sounds of it you guys definitely need to have a good long talk about all of this. Find out why she choose the step dad. Why? Cause you can't divorce her and he can? I dunno, but sounds like you guys have some issues to deal with that'll only be resolved by talking about it, I mean, I am sure other stuff has to be done, but that's the start.
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Re: She told them! - April 17th 2012, 03:05 AM

No, I don't think your mom had the right to divulge that kind of information - but she may not have been thinking, "Gee, I wonder if my daughter wants me to say anything about this." Maybe the problem is that she just wasn't thinking - period! Or, maybe she assumed that, due to your relationship, his family members were already aware of the situation. In either case, I think it's important to recognize that your mom probably wasn't trying to be malicious/hurtful by divulging this information. You have every right to feel wronged, of course, but try to see where she was coming from.

It could help to take the same approach regarding your moving out - where is your mom coming from? I'm assuming you're an adult under the law... otherwise, it wouldn't be within your mom's rights to make you move out. Anyway, she's currently living with two people who don't get along, and she's not sure how the situation can be resolved, unless one of those people moves out. I take it that you and your step-dad have met together (and with the rest of the family) to try and work things out, and that all attempts have failed? If so, then I agree that temporarily moving out (to let things cool down and disagreements be worked out at a later time) may be the best decision. Now, of course, it doesn't feel good to have your mom choose your step-dad over you... but maybe she has some other rationale in her mind. For example, you have your boyfriend and his family - does your step-dad have anyone he could stay with? How would your step-dad's departure affect your siblings? It was a hurtful statement for your mom to make, but she may actually have a point - what would be the least disruptive for the family unit as a whole? Finally, keep in mind that she's not making you permanently move out - she's just suggesting that you leave for a few days here and there, or leave for a short period of time, until things can cool down between you and your step-dad and be resolved.

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