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Death and Grieving Coping with loss is difficult at any age, but you are not alone during this difficult time. Reach out to other users in this forum.

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SammiexLynn Offline
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How do you grieve? - April 3rd 2009, 06:35 PM

honestly. its a pure question.

My friend died in Jan. and my ex neighbors wife or ex wife died in June.. both of last year and i cant seem to grieve over either's death... I often find myself looking up and talking to them while I'm smoking [which yes, i know will kill me one day]. I want to.. but i really don't know how.

I haven't been to their gravestone's, even tho i want to, because im afraid it'll trigger something inside me and cause me to cry my eyes out... when i went to my ex neighbor's funeral, i couldnt walk up to the casket or see her be lowered in because i was afraid of crying.. [i'm one to push all emotions in]

how do you grieve when someone you know and were close to dies?
   
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Jen Offline
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Re: How do you grieve? - April 3rd 2009, 06:47 PM

Hi Sammie,
I'm so sorry to hear about the recent deaths in your life. It's hard knowing "how" to grieve. I don't think there's one "right" or wrong way to do it, but I do think that a really important part of grieving is allowing yourself to feel whatever it is you feel, even if it's uncomfortable. You mentioned that you are holding off on doing things because you want to keep emotions in instead of letting them out (e.g. crying). That definitely seems easier in the short-term to do, but in the long-run, the healing from grieving happens by allowing yourself to FEEL. So I think the best thing you can do is try to face your emotions head on. Allow yourself to cry, to feel sad, etc. It might be uncomfortable but it's REAL and that's what matters. Let us know how you're doing.

Jen




"Do not ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."

“if nothing changed, there’d be no butterflies”

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Re: How do you grieve? - April 3rd 2009, 10:10 PM

Heya Sammie,

I'm so sorry for your losses, it's always upsetting and hard when someone close to you dies. Both in the same year, wow that's a lot to try to cope with.
I don't think there's a set way to grieve, you do whatever feels natural. Have nice memories of those people; remember the good times you had together. Try not to be ashamed of crying, it's a natural thing to do when someone dies, it releases adrenaline so some of that pain can be released through your tears. You could possibly go visit the graves if you wanted to, lay some nice flowers.

Hope you're okay, try not to let it all stay in.

x
   
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Re: How do you grieve? - April 3rd 2009, 10:34 PM

see.. i would go see Randy's grave except i have no clue where he was buried and every time i try to ask someone, no one answers me.. so I'm kinda lost there.

As for the other, well.. I've been trying to get my mother to go there to put flowers on there because her and my mom were close but she just doesn't do it. it bugs me but i don't know how to go about asking again.. I'd rather do it repeatedly until she gives in but i kinda figure its a waste of time.

and as for the crying, i've done that a few times but i just can in front of others.. kinda makes me feel weak.. i dunno.
   
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Re: How do you grieve? - April 3rd 2009, 10:41 PM

That must be hard not knowing where he was buried, I'd definately want to know too if it was someone I knew. Someone gave me an idea when I was grieving over my great-grandma who was buried in a different country: you write a letter to them, saying anything you'd want to say, about how you miss them, how it makes you feel etc, then burn it as if its being sent to them in the smoke. It worked for me.

Crying can make you appear weak, but I guess its more vulnerable than weak. Let people comfort you, you're allowed some sympathy.
You can only do what you feel comfortable with, and each person grieves in a different way.

x
   
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Re: How do you grieve? - April 3rd 2009, 10:53 PM

i never actually thought of doing that.. lol actually.. i've never had anyone tell me to do it that way.. does it actually work? i'd probably want to keep it or something.. i'm not sure exactly.
   
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Re: How do you grieve? - April 3rd 2009, 10:58 PM

Hey Sammie. What you're going through sounds tough, and I can relate to and at least somewhat understand your situation a bit. It's definitely not easy to lose someone, and I think that it's safe to say that everyone goes through different stages of grieving. No two people grieve over a loss in the same exact way. Of course you're going through a hard time because of this, that's natural when you were close with the people in your life who unfortunately passed away. I can't tell you that the pain will go away for good, but in time it will become easier to deal with. And personally, I think that it's completely okay to cry sometimes. I know that crying in front of people can be a bit humiliating, but you shouldn't feel like they won't understand or will look at you like you're some kind of idiot. It's perfectly fine to cry. And you know, it really makes you feel a lot better sometimes when you just let those feelings out, whether it's somewhere private or anyone else. Also, I wouldn't feel alone in this. There are a lot of people who know what you are going through and who will willingly help you through this. I promise things will get better for you soon, it's just a matter of time before it all becomes a bit easier. If you ever need to chat I'm always here. Take care. x





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Re: How do you grieve? - April 4th 2009, 05:21 PM

Hey Sammie,

I am sorry for your recent losses. I just want to say there is no wrong or right way to grieve. Everyone deals with death in their own way. However, if you try and live in denial or bottle everything up one day things are just going to blow up in your face. Crying doesn't make you weak. You have the right to cry. What happened to you was terrible. Losing anyone especially someone important to you is terrible. One thing I do to help cope with the death of my father is write him letters and tie them to helium balloons so they float up to heaven. Is there anyway that you could contact Randy's parents and ask him where you can go to visit him? Would his school know where you could find him? Don't stop trying to locate him because visiting his grave may not be something you are ready to do now but you might change your mind in the future. Give yourself time to heal and move through the grieving process at your own pace. If you ever need someone to talk to I am here for you. I am never to busy to listen and I honestly know what you are going through. Take care and hang in there. Things do get better I promise.


Lots of love <3 Mimi



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Last edited by soul; April 7th 2009 at 07:38 PM.
   
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