TeenHelp
Support Forums Today's Posts

Get Advice Connect with TeenHelp Resources
HelpLINK Facebook     Twitter     Tumblr     Instagram    Hotlines    Safety Zone    Alternatives


You are not registered or have not logged in

Hello guest! (Not a guest? Log in above!)

As a guest on TeenHelp you are only able to use some of our site's features. By registering an account you will be able to enjoy unlimited access to our site, and will be able to:

  • Connect with thousands of teenagers worldwide by actively taking part in our Support Forums and Chat Room.
  • Find others with similar interests in our Social Groups.
  • Express yourself through our Blogs, Picture Albums and User Profiles.
  • And much much more!

Signing up is free, anonymous and will only take a few moments, so click here to register now!


Death and Grieving Coping with loss is difficult at any age, but you are not alone during this difficult time. Reach out to other users in this forum.

Closed Thread
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
  (#1 (permalink)) Old
I dare you.
Average Joe
***
 
SugarcoatedLetdown17's Avatar
 
Name: Jessica
Gender: Female
Location: At the corner of Ocean and Atlantic.

Posts: 172
Join Date: March 23rd 2009

Tragedy opens my eyes, again. - April 11th 2009, 02:15 AM

I just found out that my mom's (true mom, died of a heart attack 4 years ago) best friend died this morning. Since my mother's death, she has always tried to be strong and a motherly figure for me. It kind of ended up that I was being strong for her and the remainder of my family. But eventually we got through it. Now this morning, Sandy died of a massive heart attack. Ironic, huh? I guess it just makes me realize how petty some of the things we worry about are. And how much life can change in a matter of seconds. And realizing this for a second time is having a stronger effect on me now. I don't think I know how to just break down and cry... I've always had to be strong for someone. So what do i do now?


;Jessica.
Baby, there's no gettin' over you.

Take my heart as you head for the door;
I won't be needing it anymore.


Softball:
Because when it comes to balls, bigger is better.




   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
wonderbread Offline
Like a dude
I've been here a while
********
 
wonderbread's Avatar
 
Name: Ashley
Age: 27
Gender: Female
Location: Deltona Florida

Posts: 1,220
Blog Entries: 12
Join Date: January 6th 2009

Re: Tragedy opens my eyes, again. - April 11th 2009, 02:26 AM

Hey Jessica, Im sorry to hear that. I really am, I went through something similar last year. But what you do is you grieve whatever way suits you. You don't have to cry right now, it may come later. If does it is okay. But know you don't have to be strong right now.
I can only hope that the realization you had stays with you. If you want to talk you can PM. You don't have to go through this alone.


Always remember to put your happiness first.
  Send a message via MSN to wonderbread  
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
I dare you.
Average Joe
***
 
SugarcoatedLetdown17's Avatar
 
Name: Jessica
Gender: Female
Location: At the corner of Ocean and Atlantic.

Posts: 172
Join Date: March 23rd 2009

Re: Tragedy opens my eyes, again. - April 11th 2009, 02:30 AM

Thanks Ashley, and I might take you up on that offer when i can think straight. I feel like i'm re-living my mother's death... except now I do feel alone. My dad is off on business, and my step mom never knew Sandy. My heart is pounding and I can't really sit still... I don't know... I'm just so... distraught. Am I finally dealing with my mother's death? Or is this all because of Sandy?


;Jessica.
Baby, there's no gettin' over you.

Take my heart as you head for the door;
I won't be needing it anymore.


Softball:
Because when it comes to balls, bigger is better.




   
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
sphynx Offline
A Work In Progress
Experienced TeenHelper
******
 
sphynx's Avatar
 
Name: Claire
Age: 28
Gender: Female
Location: Far From Home

Posts: 638
Join Date: March 7th 2009

Re: Tragedy opens my eyes, again. - April 11th 2009, 04:33 AM

I don't have the time now, but I hope to be back to respond to this. Keep your head up, darling. <3

xo Claire

EDIT

Hey there, Jessica. I'm sorry it's taken me the time that it has to get back to you on this, and I do look forward to talking with you one-on-one when we get the chance. <3

I feel I can relate to your situation, as it sounds like something similar to what I went through. My grandmother passed away when I was 12-years-old. Other than my father, my entire family had been incredibly close to her. To give you an idea, we visited her every Saturday even when that meant a three hour drive. Oftentimes, we'd stay until Sunday and some times we stayed from Friday until Monday. She was our main motivation for moving here (where we are today). Less than a month after our move, she was diagnosed with cancer. She was diagnosed too late, and she was given less than a month to live. After she passed away, my mother seemed to die along with her. That's when I became mom.

I was the strength for my family, much like you say you've always had to be strong for someone else or in the way you've been there for others through their hard times. Sometimes, when that happens, we don't have the time to grieve or to consider what we're feeling because we shut it out. Have you ever seen The Secret Life of Bees? Or read the novel? There's a line, I believe, that says something along the lines of "Sometimes not feeling anything is the only way we can survive." I feel this applies to people like you and me. Sometimes when the world around us is falling apart, we try to become that world, maybe because we want to try and keep it together, maybe because we fool ourselves into believing we can stop it if we do. Not only that, but we care so much about the others in our lives that we want to become their rock, their stability, the glue that holds it all together because if we didn't, who would? The thing I had to learn is that sometimes, by doing this, we neglect ourselves. We don't always realise that breaking down doesn't mean we're going to shatter into any number of unfixable pieces.

What it took for me to learn this, though, was a man in my life in who I invested everything. I invested so much in this man that when he abandoned me, I thought that this was all I had lost. What I didn't realise then (it took me a good year or two before it dawned on me) was that I was not only grieving the loss of a friend, but the loss of a father figure (never really had a father) and the loss of my grandmother. It took another "death" to grieve the first. It was months before I overcame his abandonment and a year to fully recover in the sense it no longer killed me when I talked about it. Sometimes our feelings for one person can transfer over and become our feelings for another, and that sounds like what happened here. Your mother passed away, Sandy then fulfilled that role, and now she's gone.

You're experiencing the loss of your mother, the loss of a mother figure for the second time around, and the loss of someone close to you, and that is going to hurt. But you need to allow for that. There is nothing wrong with breaking down, love, because it doesn't mean you have to stay down and it doesn't mean that everyone around you is going to fall apart. It doesn't mean that everything you've worked to achieve up until this point is gone, and it says nothing about the strength of your character. In fact, it takes more strength to be broken than it does to be strong, and I commend you for feeling this now and for crying about it and for facing it, as opposed to running from it like you may have done for quite a while now.

I told you over MSN that I was going to include an analogy here and that's this: I would like you to imagine that you have a house. Let it be a beautiful house - your dream house. And imagine you're happy in this house. Then imagine you hear a knock at the door, and you open it with a smile only to be met with bad news. Maybe in this case, it's Sandy. So you shut the door in shock, and you block out the emotions, but they continue to knock and knock and knock. And you, you don't want to open that door. It's scary. Terrifying. You don't want to let in those emotions, because what happens when you do? Will they tear down this beautiful place you call home? Will they destroy everything you've known? Will they hurt you? Will they consume you? What if they decide they want to stay? So you resolve to leaving them waiting on the porch step. You think, maybe they'll go away. But if you do this, they will take a seat on the porch swing, knocking occasionally. The longer they're ignored, however, the more frustrated and impatient they'll become. They'll get angrier and angrier and angrier and louder and louder. This is when I want you to imagine a favourite superhero, or a favourite Disney movie, or another film or book in which you may have read a battle between good and evil. What happens right before the villain is destroyed? It gets really, really loud, right? But then it's overcome, and thinking about this gives you the courage to open the door and let them in. Once they're there, you tend to them. Sit them at the table, make them some tea, offer some biscuits. Take care of them, and treat them with the hospitality of a guest. And then, once they're satisfied, they will leave. You will see that your house is still intact. You will see that you're still living there, and you're still fine. The only thing that will have changed is the heaviness will have lifted. You'll be able to feel the warmth of the breeze coming through the windows, to inhale the scent of fresh flowers, to enjoy and appreciate the beauty of this house you call home. You will be able to feel this even more due to the fact it's been so long since you've enjoyed them.

It's like the light at the end of the tunnel. You can spend so long in the dark that when you finally emerge, it's like being born all over again. Everything seems new, to be quite honest with you, and it's beautiful and amazing. It feels like you're experiencing everything for the very first time. But you'll never have this experience if you don't first go through feeling like you lost it all. You'll never get to the end if you don't start the journey to begin with. You'll be faced with the obstacle for as long as you choose not to face it, but it's only once you face it and overcome it that you will have truly left it behind you. Don't be afraid to feel. You're entitled to these feelings. There are people here, and I'm sure in your life, that are willing to support you through this. Because you will get through this, and you will be an even stronger person once you do. It's our trials that help shape us into who we became, that teach us valuable lessons that are key to our lives and to the lives of others should we utilise them properly and for that purpose.

I hope there was at least something you could take out of what I said either here or through IM. Don't hesitate to get in touch with me if you need anything. <3

xo Claire




Clean since 01.08.09

Last edited by sphynx; April 12th 2009 at 02:06 AM.
  Send a message via MSN to sphynx  
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
soul Offline
Any fool can criticize
Senior TeenHelper
*******
 
soul's Avatar
 
Name: Mimi
Gender: Female

Posts: 922
Join Date: January 6th 2009

Re: Tragedy opens my eyes, again. - April 12th 2009, 08:03 PM

Hey Jessica,

I am so sorry for your loss. It is obvious that she was a very special person in your life and it hurts to lose someone so important to you. I can understand how this would doubly hurt because now you've not only lost your mom but another motherly figure as well. Take all the time you need to grieve. I want to remind you that everyone grieves in different ways. It is okay not to cry. Just because you haven't broken down doesn't mean you didn't care about her. You mentioned how you are strong for everyone else... Well why not be strong for yourself? You need to start living life for yourself or you'll never be happy. Crying doesn't make you weak. Missing your mom or her friend doesn't make you weak. Grieving doesn't make you weak. In fact, dealing with your emotions rather than hiding from them is incredibly strong. If you ever need someone to talk to feel free to PM me anytime. I know what it's like to lose a parent. Take care and hang in there.

Lots of love <3 Mimi



As long as we can dream, there will be unicorns.
   
  (#6 (permalink)) Old
I dare you.
Average Joe
***
 
SugarcoatedLetdown17's Avatar
 
Name: Jessica
Gender: Female
Location: At the corner of Ocean and Atlantic.

Posts: 172
Join Date: March 23rd 2009

Re: Tragedy opens my eyes, again. - April 13th 2009, 01:10 AM

Hey everyone, thanks so much for the support. After a long talk with Claire last night, I decided that I was going to have to sort my emotions out. I am still in the process of doing so. The funeral was today right after the Easter service, because Sandy's family was in town to spend Easter weekend with her and were only here til today. I took along my best friend Dalton and he held my hand through the whole thing. I didn't cry, but my heart ached for every single person there. I was crying inside, I guess you could say. It was a tough day, but probably a building block for the rest of my life. I can feel my view on things changing; it seems like my priorities are shifting. I am still working on getting control over my thoughts and emotions, and i'm sure there will be many more break downs before i am fully okay and myself again. I want to thank each person who gave me advice and are helping me through this. I wouldn't be able to do it without TH.

- Jess.


;Jessica.
Baby, there's no gettin' over you.

Take my heart as you head for the door;
I won't be needing it anymore.


Softball:
Because when it comes to balls, bigger is better.




   
Closed Thread

Bookmarks

Tags
eyes, opens, tragedy

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




All material copyright 1998-2018, TeenHelp.
Terms | Legal | Privacy | Conduct | Complaints

Powered by vBulletin®.
Copyright ©2000-2019, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Search engine optimization by vBSEO.
Theme developed in association with vBStyles.