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Death and Grieving Coping with loss is difficult at any age, but you are not alone during this difficult time. Reach out to other users in this forum.

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Unhappy I have no idea how to feel... - March 28th 2013, 09:16 PM

This is going to be really weird, just to warn you. I found out about two years ago that my (maternal)grandfather had/has pulmonary fibrosis. The doctors didn't give him a specific time limit to live, but told him to stay active because it would give him a longer time to live. Around this time, my dad was cheating on my mom and my sister, my mom, and I found out. Since finding out, there have been reasons that lead us to believe my grandfather was also sleeping with this woman (It's just wrong, I know). When my mom asked my grandfather to do something about this, he told her no. She wasn't asking for herself, she was asking for my sister and I's sake. After that, I lost any respect I had for him and he and my mom haven't really spoken since.
This winter, he began to get worse. My family joked about him "dying," because growing up, whenever he got a cold he thought he was dying. While he really was dying, it seemed like a joke because it always had been when I was growing up. In the last few weeks, he's grown worse. He sleeps 23 out of 24 hours a day, he doesn't eat more than a few bites to make my grandma happy at supper, and he can't get up or his oxygen levels get dangerously low(he's been using an oxygen tank since the middle of last summer). I am so lost right now. I haven't slept well since he got really bad a few weeks ago. Usually, I average about eight and a half to nine hours of sleep a night but I've been lucky to get six or seven. The thing that bothers me, is that I think I'm a bad granddaughter. I'm upset(I think) but I don't want to be. I guess what I'm asking, is how would you respond to a situation like this? Is it okay for me to be this confused?
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Re: I have no idea how to feel... - March 28th 2013, 10:51 PM

Shelby,

I'm really sorry you're having a tough time.

However, yes, I think it's probably "normal" that someone might be confused from this.
Firstly, I don't think you should feel a "bad granddaughter," because quite simply, you aren't.
I also think that you have every right to feel upset, and that actually it's best for you to just let that emotion out. Don't feel that you shouldn't, because it's the most natural way for you to feel. Whatever may have happened in the past, when it comes to family, human nature makes up respond by feeling empathy.

If you're losing sleep over this, then it seems that you're - quite understandably - worried. Whether that be about his health, the way others will react, or a bit of both, it really isn't good that you're worrying quite so much.
Indeed, this is a family matter, so you'll naturally feel for people. Nevertheless, it's not worth losing your health over; perhaps it may help if you try some very basic relaxation techniques, particularly just before you go to bed. Breath deeply, possibly have some light relaxing music quietly in the background, then keep breathing (constantly concentrate on taking long, deep breaths) - from the neck down, tighten parts of your body (shoulders, fists, legs, etc.) then release and, as such, "feel the worries slip out".
Written on the page there, it may sound a tad ridiculous, but trust me, it works.

Again, I'm sorry you're struggling so much - please do feel free to shoot me a Private Message at any time if you want to talk.


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Re: I have no idea how to feel... - March 30th 2013, 03:55 AM

Forgive him.
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"Be strong and bold; have no fear or dread of them, because it is the LORD your God who goes with you; he will not fail you or forsake you." (Deut. 31:6 NRSV of the Bible)
   
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Re: I have no idea how to feel... - March 30th 2013, 05:04 AM

I think I have forgiven him, but it's hard to forget something like that. It's hard to move on from this knowing he still talks to the woman he and my father were both sleeping with. He invited her down to our campsite to stay with him and said my family "wouldn't have to know." How can a person just move on from that? It's like he was intentionally trying to hurt us.
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Re: I have no idea how to feel... - April 3rd 2013, 05:26 PM

You're not a bad granddaughter. He hurt your family, so it's natural not like him much. The thing about forgiveness, though, is that it's more for your benefit than his. I know that it's going to be hard, but it would be better to forgive him now, than wait until it's too late, because then it's likely you'll feel worse.

Have you spoken to the rest of your family about how you're feeling? Some of them might feel the same way, and it can help to talk to people about things.

With the sleeping, try yoga before bed. Sounds hippy-ish, but I swear it works. It's really relaxing.


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Re: I have no idea how to feel... - April 3rd 2013, 07:05 PM

Hi Shelby,

It is perfectly normal for you to be confused about the situation. You have alot of different views being shoved into your face at once: The 'joke' of him dying, and hearing that as you grew up, Your mom and him not talking anymore (which as kids.teens we tend to follow our parents, so then we create distance with those people), and than the overall family taking it as a joke, thinking he wont pass away either. The point is, you need to discover your own view on things (IE: "He IS very sick this time, and I'm going to try to see him more often, so that I don't regret it when he passes", "This is all a joke like before, and he's fine", etc). So you need to create your own view of this issue, and than hold onto it.

In this particular situation, I would have my view as this: "I only have 1 grandfather, and this time he is older, he is legitimately sick, and I don't know how much longer he will live. So I will go and see him more often than I usually do, because I care".

If you ever need to talk/vent, feel free to PM me.


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