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Death and Grieving Coping with loss is difficult at any age, but you are not alone during this difficult time. Reach out to other users in this forum.

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My dad was fatally bashed by a homophobe? What to say to people who ask? - December 19th 2013, 12:29 AM

Well this is a bit morbid. My dad was killed by what investigators think some guy he met at a bar [Edited] I've told my dad's story in the case of like subjects about hooking up randomly and the danger of it. I've also mentioned before when talking about certain subjects like about having lgbt parents. Openly the thing is my dad was straight. Was in the navy. Lived with women impregnated 2 women before his death. But he also said something to lead my mom to believe he was bisexual. Which was quite odd considering she's a homophobe. And he had a gay brother so it makes sense. The thing is when I talk about him and how I lost him. I basically say he was murdered by a homophobic guy. This gets people to ask what his sexuality is and then I give an answer. But idk how not to? The way he died always gets people asking questions. Advice?

Last edited by Chris; December 19th 2013 at 12:37 AM. Reason: Detailed & Unnecessary Information Removed; refer to CoC.
   
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Re: My dad was fatally bashed by a homophobe? What to say to people who ask? - December 19th 2013, 12:44 AM

I never know what to say to people when someone died in any way. Have you tried just saying he was murdered? It might stop people from asking those questions, and if you rather tell them the whole truth, you can simply just say you don't know, or that as far as you, his son knew he was straight.

I know it's always hard, and I'm sure that people won't always ask questions, sometimes if the person is new in your life, they will surely ask questions.

I hope this helped!
   
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Re: My dad was fatally bashed by a homophobe? What to say to people who ask? - December 19th 2013, 12:46 AM

Hey there.

I'm really sorry to hear about your recent loss of your father. If you want me to be completely honest, I think in the name of privacy it's best to be very general when answering someones questions in regards to a passing. For example, you can still talk about the issue with others, but keep it to something like: "My father passed away". If people ask how, then say something like: "He was involved in an altercation and was murdered - but I really don't want to talk about it". Saying something general like that not only provides you with a sense of privacy (and privacy for your dads case), but also keeps you from going through the whole story of having to explain what happened and answered questions about it.

So keep it general, and if you feel somewhat compelled to talk about the situation, it may be best to only release that kind of information to a trusted adult (i.e., teacher, principal, social worker, counselor, police officer, firefighter, relative, etc).


Best wishes,
Chris


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Re: My dad was fatally bashed by a homophobe? What to say to people who ask? - December 19th 2013, 01:38 AM

The thing is what brought me to ask was because we were talking about substance abuse and my two friends were talking about how drug abuse affected them. One said her dad was addicted to drugs and chose drugs over her and being a father to her and my other friend was saying how her parents were addicted to meth and it ended her up in foster care and a lot of other stuff. So for me I kind of was sharing why I would never drink because my dad was an alcoholic and sex addict and I have the same qualities. So I began to say how I lost him but got a lot of questions that I rather felt uncomfortable with.
   
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Re: My dad was fatally bashed by a homophobe? What to say to people who ask? - December 19th 2013, 02:53 AM

It's not fun being uncomfortable. Have you thought about telling them you are uncomfortable answering those questions. It's you're life and you shouldn't and do not have to answer anything you do not want to talk about.
   
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Re: My dad was fatally bashed by a homophobe? What to say to people who ask? - December 19th 2013, 03:07 AM

I guess people are just curious.

Next time someone asks about your father, you should probably just say he was murdered. That's it! You don't really need to specify the murderer was gay, because it shouldn't really matter to them.
   
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Re: My dad was fatally bashed by a homophobe? What to say to people who ask? - December 19th 2013, 04:46 AM

Hey there!

Thank you for clearing some things up about how this topic had been brought up. I've had tons of different, and "deep" conversations with my best friends. I suppose having very deep, emotional, and rather exposing type of conversations are rare, but do happen usually among best (i.e., good) friends. I actually particularly welcome such conversations (maybe because I'm more of an emotional guy, and I like to help others). Nonetheless, I have been in conversations in which I think things had gotten way to far, and I firmly let my friends know that I feel uncomfortable with the current conversation. If your friends are good friends, then they will most certainly stop/change the conversation. However if your friends give you a hard time when expressing that the conversation is making you feel uncomfortable, then they certainly aren't caring or understandable friends and I'd recommend you trying to seek out other people who will better fit the bill.

Whatever be the case, you should (and need) to express (vocally) when you feel uncomfortable with the conversation. Remember, communication is key.


Best wishes,
Chris


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Re: My dad was fatally bashed by a homophobe? What to say to people who ask? - December 19th 2013, 07:06 AM

hey hun!
I'm sorry about your loss, it's indeed a big loss. And I think at this time people should know that being nosy about your loss wouldn't help anyone and that they should wait. Because telling them how he died will not change the fact that he's gone no? just tell them his time was here and so he left and that you'd rather not talk about it, I know it's hard to explain to someone how your close one passed away because at that time even you're confused and lost and when people ask you how he passed away, they're just worsening the situation. Like sprinkling salt over your wounds. Tell them to give you some space to adjust with the reality and you're not ready to talk about it at all.

If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here, in fact we all are. Just drop a message and we'll get back at you!

Take care of yourself and may your dad rest in peace. He's in a much better place now!
-Nayab
   
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December 21st 2013, 10:27 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by .Lygophobia.♥. View Post
It's not fun being uncomfortable. Have you thought about telling them you are uncomfortable answering those questions. It's you're life and you shouldn't and do not have to answer anything you do not want to talk about.
I kind of faulted myself for offering up information to be questioned

I don't think the murderer was gay supposedly it's believed he was a murderer who preyed upon gays to make them believe he was interested in hooking up and then murder them. No one knows exactly what happened for sure since he was never caught.

Either way I think I should keep it simple


And also thanks Chris I certainly will try to direct the conversation elsewhere when I feel uncomfortable usually they know when I feel uncomfortable.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Cattygirl1 View Post
I guess people are just curious.

Next time someone asks about your father, you should probably just say he was murdered. That's it! You don't really need to specify the murderer was gay, because it shouldn't really matter to them.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chris View Post
Hey there!

Thank you for clearing some things up about how this topic had been brought up. I've had tons of different, and "deep" conversations with my best friends. I suppose having very deep, emotional, and rather exposing type of conversations are rare, but do happen usually among best (i.e., good) friends. I actually particularly welcome such conversations (maybe because I'm more of an emotional guy, and I like to help others). Nonetheless, I have been in conversations in which I think things had gotten way to far, and I firmly let my friends know that I feel uncomfortable with the current conversation. If your friends are good friends, then they will most certainly stop/change the conversation. However if your friends give you a hard time when expressing that the conversation is making you feel uncomfortable, then they certainly aren't caring or understandable friends and I'd recommend you trying to seek out other people who will better fit the bill.

Whatever be the case, you should (and need) to express (vocally) when you feel uncomfortable with the conversation. Remember, communication is key.


Best wishes,
Chris

Last edited by Eternal Dreamer ♥; December 21st 2013 at 10:45 PM. Reason: Merging posts
   
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