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Death and Grieving Coping with loss is difficult at any age, but you are not alone during this difficult time. Reach out to other users in this forum.

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Oighearaois Offline
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2 Years Later Never Learned How to Grieve - February 27th 2014, 09:19 PM

-----Almost two years ago a friend of mine (who I will refer to as ''Z'') that I had known since since birth who lived down the street from me ended her own life after years of dealing with depression. Z was extremely deviant, from her looks to how she thought and was in no way downer to be around. She was very random and made a lot of crazy decisions in her life. Many people say that the person they have lost was special, and everyone is unique. I do understand that, tis merely that I recognize that Z was extraordinarily vibrant surrounded by a much more conform-atory people. She and I were very close, hanging out all the time, from birth until college, where distance became a factor. I focused more on cultivating my own friend group and schoolwork, and since she was away and her friend group didn't overlap with my own, we drifted. Obviously after being friends that long, we reached a point where we could just pick back up where we left off. And Z being twoish years older than me, I looked up to her and let her control the desired amount of communication for the most part.
-----I didn't have much of an emotional reaction when she died, or even for a month after. Not that I didn't love her and care for her, however I have found that my reaction (at least initially) to most anything is to have no reaction until a later time, once the situation has been more clearly processed and the consequences felt. I started having.. almost crying attacks about every other month. Just feeling terribly sad, aching for the ability to see Z again, until I eventually went to sleep. The next day I'd still miss her, but it would only be a little bit. With each episode of crying and missing her I'd feel a bit more underlining missing afterwards. They increased to about once or twice a month. It's been two years, and I still have these, though recently it's been back down to about one every two months, and it's been less extreme since about December. However I don't feel any better about her absence, and I don't feel like I have moved on or grieved in any way.
-----I grew up with religious upbringing and my family is unaware of my lack of subscription to their beliefs. The only coping technique I've ever been taught was to turn towards faith, so now I am left without knowing what to do to help myself grieve. I've found that being with her older sister, T, (who is also my friend) has helped, as well as being with Z's friends. The anniversary of Z's death is in less than two months, and it's daunting to think about.
-----I'm wondering what techniques you may suggest for grieving secularly, or what resources you might suggest. Even if you aren't sure, but have an opinion, feel free to share it. Just hearing what you guys think helps me feel reassured in my validity.

V lɐɯɹou oʇ dn ʎɐʍ sıɥʇ V
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Its.Just.Angie Offline
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Re: 2 Years Later Never Learned How to Grieve - February 27th 2014, 09:48 PM

hey I'm sorry to hear about your loss. It could be hard to deal with and I totally understand it.
To me it took me awhile when I lost someone else. It took about a month to settle It in. When I realise he's never coming back. I crashed down. It was my first time I lost someone close and I didn't know how to react. So I totally get where you are coming from.
For me for techniques is try not to think about it as deeply, I'm not saying to forget. For me I get upset when I think about the good times I had because I miss him a lot. But you can think and smile about the good memories it. Just know she is in a better place. Maybe it helps me is to talk about it to someone is a good thing to think about, wether it is a friend or family member or whoever.
Again I'm sorry about your loss I hope it all gets better for you
Feel free to PM/VM me anytime
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Chris Offline
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Re: 2 Years Later Never Learned How to Grieve - February 27th 2014, 09:59 PM

Hey there.

I'm really sorry to hear about your loss. Losing someone (even if you didn't talk to them on a regular basis) is a very hard thing to deal/cope with. I kind of understand where you're coming from, and I'd like to throw an idea your way. I do have to note that I'm not a professional, nor do I have extensive background in psychology. However I would say that the reason this hits you randomly is because you've conditioned yourself to talk to her every once in awhile. Before her death, as you noted, you guys didn't talk every day - but instead only when she contacted you first (which I'm guessing was once every few weeks or so). When having a relationship/friendship like that and then you 100% lose the person (via death or via friendship disconnection), you usually won't feel it until it has surpassed the limit of length of when you guys would talk to each other. For example, if you guys talked once every two months, and then she passed away, you most likely wouldn't start really processing the situation until 3 or 4 months from the last time you've talked to her. Why? Because you surpassed the regular limit of your friendship (i.e., which was talking to her once ever two months). So that's just my take on the subject.

However not fully coping with a death is a serious issue (especially when it's been years, and it's effecting different parts of your life on a regular or semi-regular basis), and my number one recommendation is seeking professional help (i.e. school counselor, therapist, social worker, etc). Talking about it, sitting down with someone to create a plan, looking at ways to grieve in a healthy way are some of the types of things you and that person (i.e. counselor) can figure out together.

I hope things improve for you soon.

Best wishes,

I hope you know that you deserve it all. The best, the most honest, the most beautiful purest love in the world. Not only to be loved by others, but to be loved by yourself. To look in the mirror and think "Yes, I'm exactly who I want to be". To speak up and be proud of yourself. To be brave and open. You deserve the nicest and most caring people to walk into your life. You deserve it all, you know. The whole world...
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