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Death and Grieving Coping with loss is difficult at any age, but you are not alone during this difficult time. Reach out to other users in this forum.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Unhappy It's all my fault - October 7th 2014, 03:31 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Like the title says, it's all my fault.
You guys may say it's not, but it is. I knew she wasn't okay and I knew she was in a deep dark hole and I still left for work. She said she was fine and she needed to write something, so I left her. I told her I would buy her some flowers, especially the sunflowers.

Normally coming home, the house is loud and music is always playing. Especially blink 182 or sum 41. I came home late in the afternoon and it was quiet. I looked for her everywhere and I found her unconiscous in the bathtub and her face was blue. I called the ambulance and I did CPR, everything just to make she still had a heartbeat. The ambulance came and took her to the hospital.

I was watching her breathe slowly, and she looked peaceful. A few times her heart stopped but they brought her back to life. She hung on but she passed away on the 24th Sept at 11:35:08 in the morning.

I lost a best friend and my world is upside down.

She was buried on 29th Sept. It was beautiful, sunflowers everywhere.

I'm truly alone and it's all my fault. I shouldn't have left her alone.

Last edited by cynefin; October 7th 2014 at 03:59 PM. Reason: Adding prefix.
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Re: It's all my fault - October 7th 2014, 07:11 PM

Hi Emily and welcome to TeenHelp!

I'm sorry for your loss. Losing someone to suicide is very painful without a doubt. You may think that this is your fault, but it isn't. It sounds like you were a supportive, caring friend. You couldn't have known that she was going to take her life that day. This isn't to sound harsh but although you regret leaving for work that day, you had obligations to your job. In the end, you did all you could for her. We can lead a horse to water but we cannot make it drink. Suicide is a choice; your friend made that choice and that isn't your fault in any way.

Is there someone that you can talk to about how you're feeling? Perhaps you can look into seeing a professional so you can get some grief counseling and work through everything that you're feeling. In the meantime, this article about losing a loved one due to suicide may help you.

I have never lost someone to suicide but I know someone who has and I want to let you know that you're never alone even if it seems like you are.

Take care and I'm here if you need anything.

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Re: It's all my fault - October 8th 2014, 10:53 PM

Hi there.

I'm sorry to hear that you had to go through this. Losing anyone to suicide is so difficult to deal with, but please know that you are not alone. You obviously cared a lot about her and she was very lucky to have a friend like you. However, there is only so much that you can do for someone else. As Cassie said, suicide is a choice. You might feel guilty for it, but the decision was made by that person. You did as much as you could and you shouldn't have to carry the guilt.

I recommend going to see a counselor. I know that this has helped me in the past, so you might want to give it a try. There might also be support group opportunities available in your area that you could look in to. I know they're not for everyone, but they can be a good experience. I have also found it helpful to release my emotions in some form. Journaling or writing letters might help you, but you could always explore other options such as drawing, creative writing, or painting if you're looking for something different.

I wish you the best. Let me know if you ever want to talk. Take care.

Find your light in a new dawn.

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Re: It's all my fault - October 15th 2014, 11:00 AM

Sorry for your loss, don't be so hard on yourself. I know you already did everything you could. just like what cassiopeia said "We can lead a horse to water but we cannot make it drink. Suicide is a choice; your friend made that choice and that isn't your fault in any way."
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