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Death and Grieving Coping with loss is difficult at any age, but you are not alone during this difficult time. Reach out to other users in this forum.

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Do I have to mourn? - June 14th 2015, 05:24 PM

My grandma is going to die soon. Her dementia is getting pretty bad and my grandpa is so bad at taking care of her that her stage 3 kidney disease is probably going to move to stage 4 within a month. She's 84 years old and she's been around my whole life, but I just kind of want it to be over with. I'm not in any emotional pain even though I love my grandma, but I just want her suffering to be done. I feel like I'll be able to move on pretty easily, without more than a day or two to mourn. So I've easily accepted that she's gonna die and she'll move to a better place, but is that healthy? Or should I really get into the spirit of mourning and do what everyone else is doing?
For what its worth, nobody close to me has died yet, but when I go to funerals for non-close people, I don't cry, but I sit there and think, "Lucky. Your in heaven... have fun!" At least I don't say it, thats pretty insensitive.

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Re: Do I have to mourn? - June 14th 2015, 06:42 PM

Hey Robert,

Sorry to hear the situation with your grandma. Mourning is different for everyone, even family members may go through a different mourning process to each other. However you feel about this is fine. There is no right or wrong way to feel.

I know from experience that with dementia in particular, it's a disease that changes the person over some time, and it may be that you have gone through a lot of the feelings of mourning before. You may have already felt some loss because, whilst your grandma is physically there, at the same time she isn't the same person you remember.

It's also very natural and understandable to want the suffering to be over. I think this feeling comes out of love for the person- it's very hard to see someone you love in pain.

Even though you say that you aren't in any emotional pain, it's still important to look after yourself at this time and if any feelings do crop up, to talk about them too.

Take care

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Re: Do I have to mourn? - June 14th 2015, 06:49 PM

Holly said it perfectly, there's no wrong way to feel or right thing to do. However you deal with this is perfectly fine. Don't be surprised if you react differently than you expect to and don't feel like you have to grieve like everyone else. The same thing happened to me when my granddad died. It was my first real close loss too, but we weren't close at all and I think I was the only one who didn't cry and pretty much had no reaction. Don't feel bad about that. It might be a little awkward for you if everyone else is crying and you're not, but there's nothing wrong with it.

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Re: Do I have to mourn? - June 14th 2015, 06:52 PM


I'm really sorry to hear about your grandmother but I can relate. My grandmother has dementia and doesn't know me anymore. Like what Holly said, dementia changes over time and mourning is a slow process that people go through as they see their loved one decline. People with dementia are already gone in that they're physically present, but not mentally. Everyone mourns differently and whether you mourn the loss of your grandmother is up to you; there's no right or wrong way to mourn. It seems like you've accepted the fact that you're losing her and that's okay. Do make sure you let yourself feel any feelings that come your way, though.

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Re: Do I have to mourn? - June 15th 2015, 07:57 PM

Hey Robert,

Everyone deals with the death of a loved one in different ways, there is no right or wrong way to grieve for someone. I think sometimes because we are expecting the death of someone we think it is going to be easy to deal with. Yes it's a comfort to know that at least you get the opportunity to say goodbye.

My nan passed away not so long ago and we knew she was going to die. When my nan did finally pass I cannot tell you how relived I felt, for my nan to know that her suffering was done. I kept thinking 'is this a normal way to feel, am I weird?' I come to the conclusion that I acknowledged my nan was in pain and she was suffering so therefore it was her time for that pain and suffering to be gone. Yes it still hurt that she was gone, but I knew she was where she wanted to be. So, I do understand the way you're feeling, all I will say is when your grandma does pass away your feelings may change as you have not lost someone close to you before. There is no way to grieve, some people deal with grief and may never cry and that is the way they deal with things, whilst others may cry for weeks on end before they start to feel a little better.

Is there anyone to help support your granddad, it sounds like he could be struggling to look after your grandma.

I wish you the best of luck,

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Re: Do I have to mourn? - June 16th 2015, 06:49 PM

As has already been said, there is no "right" or "wrong" way for you to react in a situation like this. You feel however you feel and I absolutely understand your viewpoint here. I'm sorry to hear about your grandmother's condition. Best wishes to you and your family.
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