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Death and Grieving Coping with loss is difficult at any age, but you are not alone during this difficult time. Reach out to other users in this forum.

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Daddy dearest - June 24th 2015, 08:43 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of death or grieving, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

My father passed away on the 28th of May, 2015. I was in London when it happened. I hadn't seen dad, mum or my brother for about 5 months, the longest time I've ever been away from family. He had a heart attack at 2:00am IST. It was 10:30pm in London and my mum was trying to reach me. My cousin called me and told me to call my mum. The minute she picked up my call, I knew something was dreadfully wrong. She couldn't speak. My brother had to take the phone from her and tell me.

I don't know what happened in the next hour. I think I screamed and just wailed. I think I just let whatever come out - it's weird how you learn to just express stuff very openly when you start living alone. I had to call my cousin and she came to pick me up to stay at her place for the night. She didn't want me to be alone that night.

I spoke to my brother and mum later that night and found out that it had been very quick. It all ended in about 10 minutes. He said he couldn't breathe. So mum and dad decided to go to the hospital. They called our neighbors and they got ready and as my dad finished dressing, he walked out the front door and collapsed. My brother, he's a year younger to me, tried to resuscitate him and tried CPR. Later he (my brother) told me that he was glad that I wasn't there when it happened. I can understand. But I'd wanted to be there despite it because I hadn't even touched dad in 5 months.

I didn't want them to wait for me to get back home, so I told them to conduct the funeral however soon they wanted to. They conducted it at 11:00 am that day. Sometime around 6:00am, while Skyping, I asked my brother to show me my father's body. Dad was so blissed out, he had a little smile on his face. I wish I had been there for the funeral. But it was good that they did it then. I definitely wouldn't want them keeping the body around in an ice box at home while they slept in the other room. That would have been torture for them. They cremated him later around 1:00pm.

So basically, I won't see my father ever again now. And it's just crushing me. We had ceremonies for about 13 days from the day he passed away. And there were just so many people coming home, one after the other. It was horrifying. I couldn't get a moment to myself. I just wanted to be with mum and brother. I was in the middle of my dissertation at uni, and these passed few weeks seem like a bad dream.

When I got home on the 30th evening, mum and a few of her sisters were talking to our priest to figure out all the rituals and things like that. I haven't cried very much since this has all happened. I mean, I have, but not all the time or every time I think about it. My brother and I kept recalling the things dad used to say or do and just laugh about how silly it was; and about what he'd do if he was here or say even, in the middle of the conversations we were having. It was actually nice and I would even go so far as to say pleasant.

My dad has given me so much strength and I've been able to go through this and be there for my mother and my brother. My brother told my mum "it's so nice Kaveri is back. She's so joyful inside, that's so nice to have her at home." Strange thing is, I've taken an interesting look at this death thing. I still have to consider that we're still living and we shouldn't let parts of ourselves die while we live.

Though I have thoughts in my head 24x7. Recently it's become very hard because I have to start getting back to my dissertation and the "usual work" which is tearing me away from the possibility that this could all just be a horrid horrid dream. It's becoming way too real now and I don't want it to. I don't want to think that I won't see my dad ever again, that he won't have the craziest, yet lovely conversations with me and kiss me goodnight (I literally used to get kissed goodnight till the night I left for London to study). We used to Skype all the time, 3 or 4 hours at a time. He loves London so much that he was so excited that I was living there. I couldn't wait for my family to see me graduate. Dad was proud of me on a whole other level - every single thing, who I was, what I did, he was proud of everything, even the tiniest little thing. He always has had faith in me, unshaken. With everything going on now, if I do badly on my dissertation, I feel like I'm going to let him down. I just learned that I got a distinction on my modules. I wanted him to see it.

Everything is so odd. I've done almost everything and shared even more with my parents. My parents, my brother and I, our own little unit, is my world. It feels incomplete and I don't know what will make it feel whole again. I know he'll always be here when I need him. But I do know that he isn't here physically. This, I am taking a long time to accept or even let myself think of.

I think this has turned out a fairly long post, so I'm just going to stop now. I don't know what to ask of any of you who read this. I guess, just thank you for reading because it means a lot that you spent time to read what's inside me right now. xx


~Through the wind and the rain she stands hard as a stone
In a world that she can't rise above.
But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place where she's loved.

Concrete Angel



"And so I grew from colt to stallion
As wild and as reckless as thunder over the land.
Racing with the eagle, soaring with the wind.
Flying? There were times I believed I could."




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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Daddy dearest - June 25th 2015, 12:13 AM

Hey,

I'm really sorry for your loss. I can't imagine the pain that you must be feeling right now. Your father died unexpectedly and it seems as though you were close with him, so denial is expected. I think denial is how your body protects you from feeling and experiencing reality. There's no right or wrong way to grieve, and I believe the initial shock will wear away eventually but there is no set time for it to diminish. It might take you a little while to get to a point where you can feel, and when you do, let yourself feel and be honest about your feelings. Don't try to tell yourself that everything is okay when it really isn't.

Be sure to talk about things, whether it's with your mom and brother or a therapist. If looking back on memories with your brother helps you, then continue doing that. Is counseling an option for you? Perhaps you can consider looking into grief counseling so you'll have that extra support.

I think you should try writing a letter to your dad to get some closure. Tell him about anything that's on your mind; tell him things that you've always wanted to tell him. If you have any pictures lying around, maybe you can do a scrapbook or a craft that you can remember him fondly by.

I don't think your dad would be disappointed if you did badly on your dissertation. I think he'd be proud of you for trying your best despite all you've been going through. Your dad will always be proud of you. I know he isn't here physically, but he will always have a special place in your heart. I don't know what you believe in, but I think we meet up with our families and friends somehow in different lifetimes and I think people who have passed on are smiling down on us. Maybe you can use your own beliefs or form some of your own to take comfort in.

But for now, focus on getting through each day, each hour, or each minute. Focus on breathing, taking care of yourself, and on being. Put yourself and your mental health first in all of this.


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Re: Daddy dearest - June 27th 2015, 05:00 PM

I read your post and I really don't know what to say except that I am very sorry for you and your family's loss. It sounds like you had a great relationship with your father and for that, you are very lucky.

Again, my condolences and best wishes.
   
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Re: Daddy dearest - June 28th 2015, 07:04 AM

Hi, Kaveri.

This thread got me a bit teary thinking of you losing someone so important to you. On top of your family experiencing the same thing - I am so sorry, Kaveri. I can't imagine how hard this must be for both you and your family but I'm so glad you're not alone, that you have your family (and us) to talk to.

On the night that your father passed away, I'm really glad your cousin stayed with you. You deserved the comfort and to not be alone through that. I understand why you'd have wanted to be there with your dad, but you couldn't have known something like that was going to happen.

As for your dissertation - don't worry about letting your dad down. He is so proud of you from what you wrote (which is understandable considering what a kind and great person you are), and I imagine he'll continue feeling more and more proud of you as time goes on. You couldn't possibly let him down, just keep being who you are.

Perhaps you could write notes to him and do things in his memory? Keeping a family picture frame with him in it somewhere close to you could also be really comforting. Having a place to write down your thoughts and feelings is important, such as a journal or a blog. Seems like you were really close to your dad. I hope you can continue looking back on all the happy memories and smiling on them. Even though he's not here physically, he's still a huge part of you. He believed in you and loved you (I believe he still does, and is smiling down on you in Heaven).

You don't have to accept this just yet, Kaveri. He's been gone for a month, and he's been in your life this whole time. That's not something you can simply accept and move on from so quickly, you know? Don't be afraid to give yourself time and work through these feelings at your own pace. Letting yourself feel and talking about all of this is really healthy. Continue doing so, to your mom and brother and on here. You're also more than welcome to PM me, okay? I would be happy to listen if you need to talk.

I'll be keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Stay strong.
   
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Re: Daddy dearest - June 30th 2015, 04:31 AM

Calico, Adam and Ellie, thank you so much for your words and thoughts.
Calico, I love the idea of a scrapbook, I think I might just take that up.
Adam, thank you even for just saying what you did, because it means a lot.
Ellie, the writing notes to him seems like something I'll be able to do.
I love you people. I was wondering whether I should post or not - maybe just have kept it all inside, but I'm glad I posted. <3


~Through the wind and the rain she stands hard as a stone
In a world that she can't rise above.
But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place where she's loved.

Concrete Angel



"And so I grew from colt to stallion
As wild and as reckless as thunder over the land.
Racing with the eagle, soaring with the wind.
Flying? There were times I believed I could."




HelpLINK Mentor - 2.4.2011
LiveHelp Operator - 18.6.2011

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