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Death and Grieving Coping with loss is difficult at any age, but you are not alone during this difficult time. Reach out to other users in this forum.

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Unhappy is this normal? - November 29th 2015, 11:11 PM

Hi.
My friend Mary died, probably because of brain cancer, on June 23rd and she was only 20 years old. She would've been 21 on November 13th. She was born on a Friday. That's ironic, honestly, since her life was hell from start to finish. I only found out she was sick when I was told she died. Via text message, by the way. A girl I know asked me if I knew something about her situation before her death, and I said "No, I found out about everything on June 24th - via text" and she was like "Well, I found out via facebook" - I wanted to beat her up, as if she were suffering more than me, they weren't even friends, they only knew each other because we were all in the same class, not once have I seen them speak to each other. I was so angry.
I don't want to see my group of friends anymore. Not that they've made any sort of effort in contacting me or keeping in touch with me, but for the first time in my life, I do not care, not even a little bit. I don't want to see them, I don't want to talk to them, I don't even want them to care about me. I don't exactly want to forget them, but I don't miss them. I miss what we had, I sometimes think back to the last time I've seen Mary in person and I recall every little thing we said that day: December 28th 2014, in the afternoon; we gave her a Christmas present but she didn't have enough money to buy us anything; I'd baked cupcakes; I laugh because I was the only one in the group that still hadn't seen the last Hobbit movie and I spent five minutes with my hands on my ears going "blahblahblah" out loud because they were talking about it; Mary's reaction when she found out it was actually two presents, which she loved - I could never forget the face she made when she opened the bag; she was baking cookies for us; she said "when are we going to meet again? You guys have so much to do for school!" and I said "we'll find a day when we're free and meet, don't worry" - we didn't. School was our priority. I never thought she'd leave so soon. I now know what people mean when they say "when you're young, you think you're going to live forever". Needless to say, I have changed a lot since June. My life took a weird turn, my fears are all coming true.
Death changes you, I know, it's a fact. But why don't I care about anyone anymore? I care about my relatives, and those people who don't remind me of her, like my best friend or the girls I go dancing with. My group of friends doesn't exist anymore and I don't care. Or maybe they're still in touch, but not with me. Either way, I don't care. And it's not something that happened soon after she died. It was September 7th, the day before my birthday. I realised I couldn't care less about any of them. Simple as that. If they tried to get in touch with me, or wanted to meet again, I don't know what I'd do, because I don't want to see them nor talk to them. I don't even want them to wish me a merry christmas. I don't want anything to do with them.
I'm actually pretty scared because all sorts of things have happened since September, like with my father and family in general, and I've chosen to move away and find my home because I've never had one, and I've changed and not for the better, as I said. I've become more reserved, shy, and distrustful; I'm definitely angrier; I'm scared of everything; I used to harm myself and yeah I am addicted to that, even though I haven't cut for two years, but I sometimes bite myself when I feel overwhelmed and I shut everyone out of my life; I am afraid that my behaviour is going to hurt those who are close to me and honestly the last thing I need right now is being overwhelmed by thoughts like "what have I become?", because that has already happened and not long ago and that's basically when I realised I'm addicted to self-harm and that I brought/am bringing a lot of pain into my parents' and sister's lives. I've become a mess and since she died all my worst fears have come true.
Is this normal?


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Re: is this normal? - December 9th 2015, 05:43 PM

Hey there,

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend's passing and the fact that you didn't know about her illness, and only found out via text, must've hit you very hard.

After a death of any kind, it's very normal to go through a variety of feelings. In your case, anger seems to be the dominant emotion at the moment and this is very understandable given the circumstances. It's also understandable if you feel your friends haven't kept in touch or supported you either.

It also sounds like it's been a big shock to you and maybe that's why you feel like not caring about friends or trusting others. You may feel hurt and a bit betrayed- Mary was your friend and you may feel like you have been lead a stray, that if you had knew that she was ill, that things may have been different. Unfortunately, you can't change the past and so your feelings reflect the frustration. Taking it out on yourself by cutting, wont help either. Have you tried looking at our alternatives to self harm? They might help if you have the urge to cut.

Whilst your feelings are quite normal, given that it's only been a short while since your friend's passing, in the long term, isolating yourself may make you feel worse. It's up to you whether you want to talk to your friends and say that you are feeling a bit left out, or whether to focus your energies on your best friends and perhaps making new friends. You are also not a burden to your parents or your sister, but I think you should try talking to them about your feelings and if possible, looking into grief counselling as a helpful outlet for you. Otherwise, writing out your feelings, punching a pillow, using a stress ball and shredding bits of paper can help get your anger out of your system safely.

Hope you are ok. Take care


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