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Death and Grieving Coping with loss is difficult at any age, but you are not alone during this difficult time. Reach out to other users in this forum.

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Despair... Offline
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I miss her - December 11th 2015, 07:56 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of death or grieving, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I hate how I can never talk about my mom in therapy without choking up, and then will immediately refuse after to talk about her. I enjoy the fact that I can come on here and type it out and get some feedback Anyways I was to young for her to leave me, as it's personally, in my opinion, fucked up the way she left me. I really hate openly saying it, as I feel to blunt, but she committed suicide on March 26,2013. I was thirteen years old at the time, and actually attempted suicide myself only a few months before. Which I find screwed up that my own mother completed it after me, and i'm still actually here. Any who, I miss her more than anything currently. Its like a whole portion of me is gone. I recently had my dad point out how my mothers dead must of not of been traumatic since I didn't cry all the time and didn't show much any emotion, which is WRONG. I cried myself to sleep for about 2-3 months every night, it was awful and I was in disbelief every night that it actually occurred. I didn't show any emotion to any because I was uncomfortable. Literally my grandma and sister would ball there eyes out openly in front of everyone, and I would sit there and endure there pain silently. It was my decision not to show my pain, which has screwed me up. I still have unsolved issues 3 years later, and I still cant talk about it. It hurts SO MUCH. I wish I could talk about her without crying, even though my therapist insist's its healthy. I cant stand crying in front of others... and though I dont cry in front of others, does not mean the situation was not traumatic to me!


the girl who always seemed unbreakble finally
BROKE
the girl who seemed strong
CRUMBLED
the girl who always laughed
CRIED
the girl who never stopped trying finally
GAVE UP

she let her fake smile fade and as she did a tear rolled down her cheek and she whispered

' i can't do this anymore'

Last edited by Despair...; December 12th 2015 at 02:07 AM. Reason: *update*
   
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Re: I miss her - December 11th 2015, 08:46 PM

Hi there,

Thank you for reaching out to us here at Teenhelp. I know it can be difficult to talk about things like this so you should be really proud of yourself for doing so. I'm definitely proud of you.

I lost a friend last year to suicide. Talking about it to people is hard so I can relate to that but I think it's some what "normal". You've lost someone who is close to your heart. No matter what they put you through, now they're gone and that's incredibly hard to begin to accept never mind have to talk about it. But saying that, talking can really help no matter how hard it can be. It can help to get it of our chest so try to talk even if it means you're going red and crying and choking and can barely talk. The more you try and do, the easier it will get I think. You deserve help and support to help y deal and manage with the loss of your mum. I can't even begin to understand how you must feel but if you ever want to talk to me about it then know I am always here for you. You are not alone in this okay?

I'm so sorry for your loss but keep on fighting and stay strong. Don't be alone and just keep going. I'm here if you need anything, love.

Hopes and wishes,
Jessie


"Only in the dark, can you see the stars..."
Josie 12/3/2014, always in my heart. Sue 19/2/2016; Peter, Ellie, Hannah, Andy, Kirtsie RIP.

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Re: I miss her - December 13th 2015, 12:08 AM

Thankyou


the girl who always seemed unbreakble finally
BROKE
the girl who seemed strong
CRUMBLED
the girl who always laughed
CRIED
the girl who never stopped trying finally
GAVE UP

she let her fake smile fade and as she did a tear rolled down her cheek and she whispered

' i can't do this anymore'
   
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Re: I miss her - December 13th 2015, 03:15 AM

Hey.

I'm incredibly sorry about your mom. I cannot imagine how difficult it must have been for you considering all the circumstances. You were already suicidal, and losing your mom to suicide soon afterwards must have been devastating.

You're perfectly correct. Just because you have a hard time expressing your pain verbally and showing it, it doesn't mean it hurts any less. A lot of people have a hard time expressing themselves and crying in front of others. You were grieving and still are, and everyone grieves differently. No one should be telling you that her death must have not affected you simply because you've had a hard time expressing your feelings. Those words doesn't make your feelings or experience and feelings any less valid.

Is there anyone you feel comfortable crying in front of? Or anyone you can ease into feeling comfortable with? You mentioned that when in therapy, you choke up when you talk about your mom. In my view, that could be a positive thing. Being able to talk about her despite crying can allow you to fully express yourself and get it off your chest.

I'm proud of you for opening up here, and bluntly explaining what happened to her. Despite the difficulties that drove her to suicide, I bet she was a person with a kind heart who loved you with all of her heart. I believe she still does love you and is proud of who you are. You seem like a mature and kind girl, and no matter what you're going through you are still holding on. My beliefs are that she's in Heaven, and that even though she isn't still here with us, she'll always live on in your heart and memories because you won't ever forget her. I know you loved and still love her a lot, hence why you miss her.

I just want to say that you're always welcome to open up about her here anytime you feel like you need to talk about her. We're happy to listen, okay? Take care and hold on.
   
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