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Death and Grieving Coping with loss is difficult at any age, but you are not alone during this difficult time. Reach out to other users in this forum.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Clarinet Teacher Passed - January 12th 2016, 04:10 PM

The man who taught me music for nine years passed away on the 4th (he was 88, but this was still rather sudden and unexpected).

His vigil was on my birthday (the 10th) and there was a mass yesterday.

He and i were close. He was almost like a grandfather to me.

People keep saying not to dwell, but he's on my mind whether I want him to be or not. I have trouble believing any of this is happening. I want to wake up on January 5 and discover this was some hellish dream and I can now go and have my lesson with him that was supposed to be that day

I can't bring myself to play right now, and I don't think I'll be able to study clarinet for even longer. It hurts too much...


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Re: Clarinet Teacher Passed - January 13th 2016, 01:14 PM

Hey.

I am so, so sorry for your loss. I know this must be difficult for you, and it might be made more difficult by the fact that some people may not understand because your teacher wasn't family and may not have been classified as a friend. But he was someone you were close to, so it makes perfect sense for you to be having trouble processing the loss.

The first thing I'll say is this: do not ever let anyone tell you how to grieve. If you want to "dwell on it" for a while, that's okay; some people process by immersing themselves in the feelings, and if that works for you then go for it. As long as it doesn't become unhealthy there's nothing wrong with it. You knew him for a long time, and that means that of course he's going to be on your mind - so you shouldn't feel pressured to ignore thoughts of him.

What you're going through is very understandable. You're still in shock, because like you said his death was unexpected, so it's going to take a while to come to terms with it. Just make sure you do so in your way and at a pace that's right for you - if you try to force the grieving process you're likely to make it worse for yourself. If you need to take a break from playing or studying, then that's fine; some things may be too painful to dive right into straight away, so take the time you need to feel comfortable with them again.

There are bound to be a lot of regrets, the "what if" questions that make you wish you'd done something differently, and it's important to process those - but not necessarily right away. You can work through them later if you need, so don't try to fast-track the grieving process. It's okay to feel, it's okay to be numb, it's okay for this shock to take a while to pass. Whatever you're feeling, it's okay. Just don't let yourself be alone in this.

Feel free to message me or reply to this post if you want to talk further, and I hope things get a little easier for you soon.


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Re: Clarinet Teacher Passed - January 13th 2016, 03:01 PM

Hey Chris,

It's hard when we lose someone we feel close with. There are words that can lighten your load but all the sorries in the world won't phase grief when you're feeling it.
I can understand how death can be unexpected. Even expecting it though I don't think we can prepare ourselves to be without the person we are about to lose.
One day at a time I think we learn how to carry on.

Everyone has their own advice to give. If people say not to dwell maybe that's the best words they can offer you. I've come to notice that some people have more, while others have less feelings. I would also expect him to be on your mind since you were close with him. He will be, for some time.
Just remember he lived 88 years, then pause and think about the 9 you shared with him. Think happy thoughts. Think about the times he made you laugh - and you will laugh again.

I lost my father and my grandfather in a span of 10 months. I know what it's like to not want to believe something is happening. Sometimes our nightmares come to life and play out in the most unsuspecting ways in our day to day lives.
I think it's important you come to terms with what has happened, though. Only then can you begin the process of starting to feel better.
We have good and bad times with the people we're close with in our lives. We stay close with those people because we can forget the bad times and enjoy the better ones.
It's very important to remember him and the happy times you shared.

Hang in there Chris. It may not seem like it now but it does get easier.

-Ron


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Re: Clarinet Teacher Passed - January 13th 2016, 08:21 PM

Hey there.

I am so sorry for your loss. It's really hard losing someone close to you and I can relate to that a lot.

Grieving is a process. When I lost my best friend I went from sad and upset, to low, to angry, to guilt and blaming myself and that's where I am now. I went through a phase of self destruction and a phase of sleeping literally all the time. You're going to go through this in your own way because everyone who has last someone experiences grief differently so don't feel as though your not normal or anything like that. This is going to take time but time can be a healer you know. Do you have anyone to talk too about it all back home? Maybe a friend or a family member? And if it continues to really get to you and make you low, maybe bereavement counselling would be a good idea to look into.

Just know that the way you're feeling is okay and that you can get through this. We're here to help you too so don't be alone in this. Okay?

Hopes and wishes,
Jessie


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Re: Clarinet Teacher Passed - January 14th 2016, 04:08 AM

Thanks, guys, for your responses.

I've stopped getting email notifications for subscribed posts and PMs from TH. Very frustrating.

Yeah, it has a lot of ups and downs. Today I've felt relatively good, but it's still hard. I caught myself humming a piece I was working on today, and I didn't want to hum or think about that.

I've had urges to play but at the same time don't think I should try yet, as I am concerned it might make things worse.


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last updated on 11/11/17
   
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Re: Clarinet Teacher Passed - January 14th 2016, 09:35 PM

All you can do is what you feel like is best for you. If you need a break from your normal routine then take some time away from it awhile. You'll probably catch yourself slipping back into your routine, like catching yourself humming. I think these are good things. It will hurt for awhile. Just hang in there and make some you time for yourself


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Re: Clarinet Teacher Passed - January 21st 2016, 12:20 PM

I'm so sorry for your loss. Even when someone is old it's still incredibly painful when you lose them. Take your time to grieve in your own way.
Humming the piece may be the beginning of healing, and starting to play again. Don't rush anything, but try not to fight it either. When you're ready, perhaps playing will be a way of remembering your teacher and any good times you had with him. It doesn't have to be a negative thing, even if it's a sad thing it can still be a positive experience. But take your time. You can get through this.


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