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Death and Grieving Coping with loss is difficult at any age, but you are not alone during this difficult time. Reach out to other users in this forum.

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Still hurts - April 6th 2016, 11:56 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of death or grieving, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Today marks 7 years that my dad has been gone. It hurts more now than it did when it first happened. It feels like each year that passes tears me apart even more and I just don't understand why. Everyone says time heals all wounds but mine seem to jut get deeper. I miss him so much.

Is it supposed to still hurt? Or is something wrong with me?

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Re: Still hurts - April 6th 2016, 06:46 PM

Hi Izzie,
I often questioned the same thing. I lost my mother a week after I turned six yes old and now I'm a few days before turning twenty-two. It gets easier at times, it does. I had many positive moments in my life but the pain is underneath, and comes out during my vulnerable moments. When I feel alone for a different reason, that triggers the pain of losing her and I start to think I'm grieving all over again.

I guess what I'm trying to say that it's okay to feel whatever it is you're feeling. Sometimes grief starts later than the first day. I didn't look much into the science behind it and can't really back it up, but in my experience I didn't truly start grieving till about 4 years later when I lost the earring that belong to her, and a whole bunch of emotions came up. I was 10 years old and just starting puberty and realizing that mothers are supposed to be there for you to guide you and my father kind of didn't fill in those parts. No one stepped in and that made me feel like there's something about me that is not only different, but less than others. So, as you grow through life and different developmental stages, you may feel the painof your loss all over again. But the thing is, it may be a new experience each time. You may feel something at a graduation and then again at your wedding and then again if you have your first child. All these things are milestones that your father will be absent from. I can only imagine that kind of pain.

I heard that grieving takes three years and if it takes more it could be time to see a professional. That said, I think my professor did not have in mind the unique experience of a particular loss- losing a parent at a young age. What is even more would be if it was through suicide or any number of traumatic scenarios. I don't think that can take only three years. I think that timeframe was set for other relationship losses. Maybe. And even then it is problematic to call something normal or abnormal.

At any rate, the thing with losing a family member is that it is a family grief. Do you do anything to remember him? My family would light a certain kind of candle on the death anniversary and we would say a prayer. (When things with family weren't as broken) My relatives would also make a trip together to the cemetery. I don't know the relationship you have with your mother or siblings or cousins, aunts, uncles grandparents but know that you're not alone. That while your experience is unique it is part of a bigger picture of those who knew your father and even larger issues as a whole like the cause of death and if that is an issue others face too. I think grounding yourself in family and community can go along way as far as support and that's hard to do with only professionals because they don't have that lived experience of knowing this man.

Talking about it can help too. Whether that is creative expression (I know you used to post on self expression) or simply mentioning your father. "That is something he would love to do...." "do you remember the time when..." or simply "that reminds me of him" and it doesn't have to emphasize the loss. You can use these moments to celebrate your relationship that you did have with him and retell the stories so that his memory is still here.

About a year ago and a half ago I found books that belong to my mother and the author was someone I really really liked. It brought lots of emotions but one positive feeling was knowing we liked similar things, we had similar ideas. It hurts to imagine sometimes but it is also nice to discover or rediscover the person she was by means of her belongings whether by accident or justas a way to conjure memories and think of her.
I hope my perspective helped a little. And feel free to share how you're feeling now since it has been a few hours. And what has been helping you so far because believe it or not, you are carrying all this, you're enduring it, even if things are falling apart and that takes strength and courage to hold up like that.

Wishing you the best, Izzy.
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Re: Still hurts - April 7th 2016, 06:17 AM

I'm sorry for your loss.

It's normal to still hurt, though. I don't think the grieving process really ever ends. I think it is a lifelong process that changes frequently over time. Just know that it is okay to feel what you're feeling. Let yourself feel everything, and try to express it in a healthy way. Try to get it all out of your mind so it doesn't stay locked inside.

Maybe you could do something in honor of your dad. If there was something you two enjoyed doing together, maybe you could do that, or make a scrap book with pictures of him, or even write a letter to him so you can get some of your feelings out.

Hang in there.

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Re: Still hurts - April 7th 2016, 07:06 PM

Im so sorry for your loss.

I've lost two very good friends and I've discovered grieving is a process that varies in time for different people. There's no set limit to how long a person will grieve for or how much it hurts. What's important is how you take care of yourself and how you remember your loved one. I know it's a hard fight but we're always here for you if you want to talk. Always.

Hope and wishes,

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Josie 12/3/2014, always in my heart. Sue 19/2/2016; Peter, Ellie, Hannah, Andy, Kirtsie RIP.

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