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Death and Grieving Coping with loss is difficult at any age, but you are not alone during this difficult time. Reach out to other users in this forum.

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Unhappy Got an abortion four months ago but I'm not over it - May 8th 2016, 04:45 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of death or grieving, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Last year December (2015) I found out I have been pregnant for almost three months (nine weeks and five days) from my boyfriend. My boyfriend and I have been together for two years but we've been through so much. He is only the second person I know who truly understands me and just knows everything. I love him very much. (Note: I'm sorry for the lack of cohesiveness and all, I get very emotional with this subject thus my mind gets rather hazy)

I live in a country where abortion is illegal so I had to do this under the table. We contacted a group of doctors that do procedures in hotels through e-mail and instant messaging.

There is only one take-home pregnancy test available in our main drug stores that is rather cheap so when we took one home and used it, we didn't believe whether it was accurate or not. In fact, we bought seven take-home tests as an act of desperation. When we gave up, we contacted the group of doctors.

Anyways, least to say I was extremely shocked to find out I had been pregnant for so long. As soon as I saw the baby, I was filled with anger for some reason and when I heard his heart beat, I hate to admit this, but I thought, "I need to get rid of this thing quick." I was panicking. My whole world would shatter with my dreams and aspirations. I had huge dreams and this baby would just make them nearly impossible (if not completely impossible). I went out of the room and told my boyfriend I was pregnant (I didn't allow him to go inside with me; I knew the abortion would be harder). A mixture of shock and apprehension showed up on his face. He nodded and said we'll send photos of the baby to the doctor today. Once we arrived home and finished talking to the doctor, I stared at the photos and eventually broke down. I was sobbing. Hard. My boyfriend was there to comfort me night and day. I was literally crying every day, my boyfriend breaking down once in awhile but he had work to forget about it for awhile.

I eventually began loving the baby like he would be my whole world (I don't know why I assume it's a boy, unlike my boyfriend who thinks it would've been a girl). My boyfriend would cry about not being able to provide for the both of us if the child was kept.

Once the abortion was done, it didn't feel like anything. It felt like it never happened because my school started four days after the procedure, but at nighttime or just when I'm alone, I start to break down. I start thinking about my baby and I break down. I see a baby, I break down. God, it has gotten so bad that when I see mothers or fathers in general taking care of their child, whether human or animal, I will break down. After the procedure, we kept the baby in a container and in safe keeping. My boyfriend tried to convince me to bury him and to let him go, but I just can't. It breaks my heart thinking about leaving him here. I have plans to move to Canada with my boyfriend so I cannot imagine leaving my first child here in a terrible country. I begged my boyfriend like I never had before to bury our child in Canada. I'd bring him somehow...

It has been four months since the procedure. I have gotten a bit better but once in awhile it gets really bad. My boyfriend thinks I have depression, but I don't think so. We don't even have enough cash to have that. It's not covered by my insurance either, I think.

I have not been able to cope with it, I guess. It's peculiar because when I haven't seen the box that keeps my baby for awhile, I break down and I just feel extremely sad. I remember him more often and more in a sorrowful light but when I do see that box, I'm happy. Sometimes I tell him how my day went and my plan on bringing him to another country. Most of the time when I'm feeling sad about something else, I just get the box and hug it. I always feel better without failure.

I'm pro-choice, but to think this baby was both me and my boyfriend broke my heart. Just to think I carried him for a while...I don't regret it when I think about me and my boyfriend's lives but when I think about the possibility of having a baby and just letting him go, I do regret it.

My boyfriend has told his father a twisted version of our story. He says it was a miscarriage. The father ends up telling the mother (who also had a miscarriage and actually cried for the both of us) and two of his parents. The mother then tells her husband (father and mother of my boyfriend is divorced). Somehow the best friend of my boyfriend finds out or was told by my boyfriend. Nonetheless, all of them think it's a miscarriage. I, on the other hand, did not tell anyone. I want to tell a friend but I don't think I have a friend that I can actually trust with this secret. I think I have one but I'm not so sure whether he'll tell other people or not given that abortion is an EXTREMELY, EXTREMELY controversial topic in our society. I am on the fence whether I should tell him or not. My boyfriend is wary but says if it will help me, I can. It's just that he never told anyone about an abortion, but rather a miscarriage. I don't know if telling one person the whole truth equalizes with six people knowing a twisted story. Anyways, this is the end. I apologize if the post is extremely lengthy.

I hope that no one will shove their beliefs for "pro-life" here. I hope you will respect my decision. Some parts may seem extremely messed up, but it's just how I feel and I can't let this shadow go...

I'm writing this in hopes that someone may give me advice on how to deal with this situation. It's honestly very confusing to me.
   
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Re: Got an abortion four months ago but I'm not over it - May 8th 2016, 05:39 PM

First, I hope you had the procedure in a sterile environment. If you didn't, you may not feel any symptoms of a blotch until it's too late. If it was, then I'm glad you did so; those must be hard to come by in a country where abortions are illegal.

It could be hormones that is causing this depression, women who have had abortions go through it. Even if they absolutely hated the fetus, they still have that uncontrollable hormones that get released when they're no longer pregnant. The same goes when a woman gives birth. My sister had a baby a few weeks ago, and she was all over the place emotionally shortly afterwards.

Talk to your boyfriend about this, but getting support will be hard as you can't say you were pregnant and are going through basically post-partum depression.

Do you know when you're able to move to Canada? What's stopping you from the move? I suggest researching it, and probably researching whether or not you can bring a deceased fetus with you. They may not allow it, especially if you have to go through check at customs in your country.
   
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Re: Got an abortion four months ago but I'm not over it - May 8th 2016, 05:52 PM

No one is going to shove their pro-life beliefs down your throat. You don't have to worry, this is a safe place.

It does sound like you could be struggling with depression to me. Do you feel like talking to your baby is helping you? Maybe you can consider getting a journal and writing letters to it in there. You can talk about your day, or how you're feeling; you can write whatever you want and that could help along with talking out loud.

It is going to be really hard for you to avoid parents and their children in public. Maybe you can bring something along with you that you find calming when you're in public. You could bring a stress ball, or you could fidget with a key chain. You could bring some mints and keep gum with an intense flavor in your mouth so you can pay attention to other things. Maybe you can come up with some affirmations to say to yourself when you see something upsetting.

You can also consider going on YouTube and looking up some meditation or guided imagery specifically for grieving a child, or grieving the loss of someone in general. A lot of the audio has subliminal messaging that can help you over time if listened to repeatedly.

Whether or not you tell your friend about this is completely up to you. Maybe you can tell him about something smaller first to see if you can trust him with that, and slowly work your way up to talking about the abortion.


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Smile Re: Got an abortion four months ago but I'm not over it - May 8th 2016, 06:18 PM

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Originally Posted by Cassado View Post
No one is going to shove their pro-life beliefs down your throat. You don't have to worry, this is a safe place.

It does sound like you could be struggling with depression to me. Do you feel like talking to your baby is helping you? Maybe you can consider getting a journal and writing letters to it in there. You can talk about your day, or how you're feeling; you can write whatever you want and that could help along with talking out loud.
Thank you very much for your reply. You have no idea how much this means to me.

Anyways, I've been thinking about getting tested to a therapist but for some reason something is holding me back. I think it's mainly money and the fact that when I do get tested, whether saying I have a mental illness or not, I won't have enough money to come back.

But to answer your question, yes. It is extremely calming to talk to my baby for some reason whether it's about him or not. It's astounding because it's very hard for me to cool down when I'm upset but my baby helps me the second I hold his box within my arms... That's an extremely good idea though, the journal. I'll buy a notebook as soon as I can and I'll start writing down on it. Hopefully it helps because it sounds good to me!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cassado View Post

It is going to be really hard for you to avoid parents and their children in public. Maybe you can bring something along with you that you find calming when you're in public. You could bring a stress ball, or you could fidget with a key chain. You could bring some mints and keep gum with an intense flavor in your mouth so you can pay attention to other things. Maybe you can come up with some affirmations to say to yourself when you see something upsetting.

You can also consider going on YouTube and looking up some meditation or guided imagery specifically for grieving a child, or grieving the loss of someone in general. A lot of the audio has subliminal messaging that can help you over time if listened to repeatedly.

Whether or not you tell your friend about this is completely up to you. Maybe you can tell him about something smaller first to see if you can trust him with that, and slowly work your way up to talking about the abortion.
Yeah, it is difficult to avoid. Sometimes I feel happy, sometimes I don't. I'll take this suggestion into consideration along with meditation, however the latter has never worked very well with me. Mainly because I'm a person with a very short attention span or generally just deviate from the subject. I'll try to do this though.

Thank you again for your help. Really. I had nothing else to turn to!
   
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Smile Re: Got an abortion four months ago but I'm not over it - May 8th 2016, 06:32 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lights. View Post
First, I hope you had the procedure in a sterile environment. If you didn't, you may not feel any symptoms of a blotch until it's too late. If it was, then I'm glad you did so; those must be hard to come by in a country where abortions are illegal.
Thank you for your concern! Yes, it was safe and everything. I am completely fine right now. It was safe and all. Hehe.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lights. View Post

It could be hormones that is causing this depression, women who have had abortions go through it. Even if they absolutely hated the fetus, they still have that uncontrollable hormones that get released when they're no longer pregnant. The same goes when a woman gives birth. My sister had a baby a few weeks ago, and she was all over the place emotionally shortly afterwards.

Talk to your boyfriend about this, but getting support will be hard as you can't say you were pregnant and are going through basically post-partum depression.
I see...even if the abortion was four months ago this still might be hormones? Hopefully we'll gather enough money maybe to have me checked. I was thinking I would actually be honest with the therapist since I'm thinking about the typical confidentiality contract but I may be wrong? Anyways, thank you for that information.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lights. View Post

Do you know when you're able to move to Canada? What's stopping you from the move? I suggest researching it, and probably researching whether or not you can bring a deceased fetus with you. They may not allow it, especially if you have to go through check at customs in your country.
I'm planning to move to Canada a couple years after I graduate from school as I haven't finished my education yet (the main reason why I'm not there yet besides money!). Yeah, me and my boyfriend have talked about bringing the baby with us and how. He said it would most likely be a problem. I guess I'm acting mostly on emotion here. I honestly thought of just burying him in a plant or something beforehand so it won't be detected. I just really don't want to leave him here especially since I'll hardly get to visit him if I do.

Anyways, I'd like to thank you for your comment. It's a lot of support for me.
   
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Re: Got an abortion four months ago but I'm not over it - May 8th 2016, 09:01 PM

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Originally Posted by punnned View Post
Thank you very much for your reply. You have no idea how much this means to me.

Anyways, I've been thinking about getting tested to a therapist but for some reason something is holding me back. I think it's mainly money and the fact that when I do get tested, whether saying I have a mental illness or not, I won't have enough money to come back.

But to answer your question, yes. It is extremely calming to talk to my baby for some reason whether it's about him or not. It's astounding because it's very hard for me to cool down when I'm upset but my baby helps me the second I hold his box within my arms... That's an extremely good idea though, the journal. I'll buy a notebook as soon as I can and I'll start writing down on it. Hopefully it helps because it sounds good to me!

Yeah, it is difficult to avoid. Sometimes I feel happy, sometimes I don't. I'll take this suggestion into consideration along with meditation, however the latter has never worked very well with me. Mainly because I'm a person with a very short attention span or generally just deviate from the subject. I'll try to do this though.

Thank you again for your help. Really. I had nothing else to turn to!
You could always get tested so you can get your test results and then look into some self-help techniques that help with your particular diagnosis (if any). I know people feel differently about having that label of a particular mental illness but if you're okay with the label then getting tested could be something to consider.

Hopefully the journal helps. If, for any reason, you can't speak out loud like you'd usually do, you can always have that to write in. It could come in handy, especially if you're in public and you're upset and you have it with you to write in. You could also start a blog too, a lot of people benefit from expressing their feelings through blogging.

Meditation can be difficult, I have listened to meditation things but haven't really gotten into it. Bear in mind that you don't have to sit still while taking deep breaths if that's not what you want to do. You can listen to it while cleaning, or while trying to fall asleep. The good thing about some meditation stuff (especially guided imagery) is that even if you're not listening to it, your subconscious is, so you still benefit.

Feel free to send me a message if you ever need someone to talk to.



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Re: Got an abortion four months ago but I'm not over it - May 10th 2016, 06:44 AM

I am so sorry for what you've gone through. This sounds like an incredibly draining process, and I am so sorry for all you have been through. It does sound like you are dealing with depression which is common for somebody who has lost a child and who had to deal with a traumatic process such as this. You are such a strong person for making it through.

I, too, do not see a medical professional for my depression due to not having the money, but there are other ways to cope! Journaling (as Cassado recommended) is great. TeenHelp is also a safe place to cope, whether it is entering chat on a bad night or giving advice or sharing poetry as a way to cheer yourself up, there are many outlets here to utilize! Exercise is also a great way to cope. I usually don't like running or other traditional exercise, but I like hiking and going on walks. It's a great way to clear your head and escape.

Identifying triggers is a big step. I think overtime, many of these may not affect you as much, but getting strategies for dealing with these situations is important. Are you still dealing with emotions when seeing a baby or are reminded of the events? Do you have a plan for these times times?

Another great way to cope with this type of trauma is through telling your story. You're in a unique situation due to legality, but if you end up making it to Canada, there are events and support groups ran that help women who have dealt with miscarriage or abortion. Some may be shaming, so I'd do thorough research before attending, but many are very empowering. My university (USA based) had an abortion speakout last semester where people could tell their stories, and it was wonderful! It was ran through the 1 in 3 campaign which is through an amazing nonprofit called Advocates for Youth, and you can actually share your story online with them as well.

TeenHelp is a safe space, and we're here for you as you grieve.


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Re: Got an abortion four months ago but I'm not over it - May 18th 2016, 12:59 PM

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Originally Posted by Coffee. View Post
I am so sorry for what you've gone through. This sounds like an incredibly draining process, and I am so sorry for all you have been through. It does sound like you are dealing with depression which is common for somebody who has lost a child and who had to deal with a traumatic process such as this. You are such a strong person for making it through.

I, too, do not see a medical professional for my depression due to not having the money, but there are other ways to cope! Journaling (as Cassado recommended) is great. TeenHelp is also a safe place to cope, whether it is entering chat on a bad night or giving advice or sharing poetry as a way to cheer yourself up, there are many outlets here to utilize! Exercise is also a great way to cope. I usually don't like running or other traditional exercise, but I like hiking and going on walks. It's a great way to clear your head and escape.

Thank you very much for your encouraging and helping words. This is a really tough time for both me and my boyfriend. He now insists I have no depression and just tells me it's a decision to make. I should decide to be happy and get out of the mindset. That hurts me and it just makes it worse but by the looks of it when I try to convey that to him, he doesn't understand me or even the pain that I feel. I find that very ironic because it was his child as well...is abortion heavier on the woman?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Coffee. View Post

Identifying triggers is a big step. I think overtime, many of these may not affect you as much, but getting strategies for dealing with these situations is important. Are you still dealing with emotions when seeing a baby or are reminded of the events? Do you have a plan for these times times?
I do my best to keep the emotions under control whenever I see parents taking care of their babies and such. It hasn't improved much but I guess that's better than nothing. Although when I watch movies and such that show a child being hurt or even killed, I do break down...hard. Lol. It's a little difficult to watch movies in the cinema now since I might end up sobbing right there.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Coffee. View Post

Another great way to cope with this type of trauma is through telling your story. You're in a unique situation due to legality, but if you end up making it to Canada, there are events and support groups ran that help women who have dealt with miscarriage or abortion. Some may be shaming, so I'd do thorough research before attending, but many are very empowering. My university (USA based) had an abortion speakout last semester where people could tell their stories, and it was wonderful! It was ran through the 1 in 3 campaign which is through an amazing nonprofit called Advocates for Youth, and you can actually share your story online with them as well.

TeenHelp is a safe space, and we're here for you as you grieve.
Yeah, I always thought that would help me if I told a friend of mine but I don't think I have a friend that can handle something so controversial and heavy like this procedure.
   
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