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Death and Grieving Coping with loss is difficult at any age, but you are not alone during this difficult time. Reach out to other users in this forum.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
UltraViolet Offline
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Name: Lea
Age: 30
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Location: UK

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Join Date: January 6th 2009

Regrets? Grandad died... (quite long) - May 19th 2009, 05:22 PM

my grandad died today.
but i hadnt spoken to him for about 2/3years.
im not even sure when the last time i saw him was.
him and my dad fell out, their both stubbon, neither of them would make the peace.
it was over something stupid really, but it wasnt the first time.

my grandad always favouried his daughter (my aunt), over my dad, it was so clear for all to see.
but my aunt died about 5 years ago.
my dad tried with him, he really did, but my grandad was horriable to him, and eventhough my dad acted like he didnt care about not seein his dad, i know that he did.
we found out that my grandad had been givin alot of money to my cousins.
(where me and my sister would get 10 for birthdays and christmas, my grandad gave my cousins 1000, and also extra money for food and stuff)
my dad has always had a job, whereas my aunt lived mainly off benifits.
my cousins dont work, and didnt do college or uni, but me and my sister hav, so my dad sees it as, becasue he has actaully tried to do something with his life, that he isnt worthy of my grandads time, or money, but the money isnt the main issue here, im not that bothered about te money itself, its jus the idea behind it.

the thing that really hurt my dad, was finding out, before he stopped talkin to him, was that my grandad had put my cousin down as his next of kin, rather than my dad.
how selfish is that, my dad looked after him when he'd been ill before, heped to sort of junk form his house, helped him when he needed a new car all sorts of stuff, and nothing. all my cousins ever wanted him for was money.
out of the little money that my grandad had got, hes given the majority to my eldest cousin, and his wife, who my grandad didnt even like.

my cousing came round our house last year, and said would my dad go and see my grandad, sooner rather than later, becasue he woldnt last much longer.
my dad didnt bother.
but he isnt bothered.

but my point is, i dont know how to feel.
id been thinkin about goin to visit him for a while.
and i never did.
i didnt just stop talkin to him becasue my dad did, everything my grandad and my cousins have done was wrong, really wrong and hurtful.
but he was old, confused, set in his ways
i didnt know where he was, or hav my cousins number, or know where my cousins live. and all i can think is, that, i dont think he would of wanted to see me, i would of had no idea what to say. excusses excuesses.
i feel so upset.
iv not grandparents left.
everything around me is shit
i dont knwo why i feel this bad, i actually dont think its guilt for not seeing him.
i just feel like i ache inside.
i never knew my nan, who was this grandads wife.
but i knew my mums parents, and i think that its brought the pain back of when they died, cos i was closer to them. and the pain of my great aunt dying.
i feel really bad, becasue i was only younge when they died, but i loved them n had fun with them.
but i didnt know then that well, and sometime i used to hate goin around and being bored in there house, and i feel so ashamed of myself for that.
for not makin the most of them while they were here.
all this emotion is too much.
with everythin else in my life, with how i feel normally, with this added on top.
i dont know.
its just overwellming.

'thanks to you i never trusted...'
- Boy Kill Boy

This depression is a killer...
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
eunoia Offline
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Re: Regrets? Grandad died... (quite long) - May 20th 2009, 06:53 PM

Hey, Lea.

I'm so sorry for everything that's going on. Losing someone can be confusing, when we're not sure how we felt about them in their life. I'm not sure that made sense. I guess, what I'm getting at, is that it's understandable you're confused, right now. You and your immediate family didn't have a great relationship with your granddad, and so you're unsure of how to feel about his loss.

Know that you don't have to feel a certain way. Your feelings are valid, no matter if they "make sense" or seem noble, to others. You don't have to feel guilty for being unsure how to feel. You don't have to be devastated by your granddad's loss, but it's okay if you do, too.

Maybe it would help to talk with your dad about this. He may be able to understand how you're feeling, Lea, which could be helpful to you, while you're trying to sort out how to understand your granddad's loss.

You don't have to go through this alone. Reach out to those around you and remember TH is always here for you. Let me know if you need anything.

Someday I will be strong enough to lift not one but both of us.
I told you to be patient
I told you to be fine
I told you to be balanced
I told you to be kind
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
UltraViolet Offline
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Name: Lea
Age: 30
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Location: UK

Posts: 403
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Join Date: January 6th 2009

Re: Regrets? Grandad died... (quite long) - May 21st 2009, 10:08 PM

i havent got anyone around me.
i dont know how i feel about al this.
yes im confused but, i donk know

'thanks to you i never trusted...'
- Boy Kill Boy

This depression is a killer...
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died, grandad, long, regrets

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