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Death and Grieving Coping with loss is difficult at any age, but you are not alone during this difficult time. Reach out to other users in this forum.

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MyVisionIsDying Offline
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They Don't Understand. - October 22nd 2016, 06:56 PM

Considering I'm struggling with the death of a pet I only assume it was appropriate to put it in this section, although feel free to move the thread if necessary.

Anyways, I'm having an extremely hard time coping with the death of my favourite cat, Shadow. He left me- left this world, even- on September 28th after at least almost a week of being ill, we couldn't afford to take him to the vet until the Monday (which was October 3rd) as mum had to take one of our other cats, Jim, to the vet to get a lump drained as it was an infected bite and it was clearly painful for him. We didn't know that Shadow would die, we thought he was getting better as he started to drink water without any problems again and he was moving a bit more on his own, he came into my room days earlier without me having to pick him up and look after him, so you can see that it was a bit of hope. And taking him to the vet could have helped, he could have recovered with the medical care. Although, both mum and I couldn't help but fear the worst and I told her, that if we lost Shadow, I would be devastated- to which I am. Really, really devastated.

I can't cope because I depended on Shadow a hell of a lot for emotional comfort and support because he was almost always with me, and it helped because I could stroke him or hug him which would shift my focus from my mind and intrusive thoughts. So he was really important to me and my life. And I know it sounds bad that I feel that Jim and Spike can't compare to Shadow but honestly, they can't; sure they have their moments but they don't spend almost every waking day and night with me, they don't like being picked up and they sure as hell can become pissy when being fussed so it's not the same anymore, not without Shadow.

And it hurts, it really hurts and I feel like the world around me is dull yet also too bright and too warped and I feel like there's nothing anymore. But somehow my mum and best friend can't understand how, pardon my language, fucked up I am right now. Mum says it's ok to feel like this and I get that but when it's to a point when I see no hope because I've lost one of only reasons that help me in my life, then there's a problem. I've been hurting myself and crying and shouting at night which has caused me to eventually fall asleep really early in the morning and it's effecting me a lot because I was supposed to work on Thursday but I started having panic attacks when my alarm was going off because I knew I could have cracked if a customer was rude to me.
And my best friend says that what I'm doing is normal in terms of greiving; so what, grieving normally includes destroying one wall of a shed, yelling at Shadow's grave in the garden begging for him to come back, laughing hysterically because what's the point anymore and hurting yourself? Sure, that's such normal grieving.

I know what I'm feeling is normal but how I'm dealing with it is... well... it's not really what one would do after losing a pet. But when it's a pet that gave me so much to live for, it's a different story and I feel lost and broken and that there is no other side, I can't move on because this is too much for me to handle. So my actions for these feelings aren't what a stranger on the outside looking in would think of as "normal". And I need my mum and best friend to stop with the empty and constant reassurances because the words they keep telling me mean nothing because losing Shadow has tipped my emotional well being and quite frankly my mental well being over the edge and I need them to understand that although the feelings are normal, my actions (and thoughts of wanting to go out and destroy something or go as far as to severely hurt someone instead of myself because I don't know what to do anymore) are far from what people perceive to be normal actions for bereavement.

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Last edited by MyVisionIsDying; October 23rd 2016 at 02:04 AM.
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Re: They Don't Understand. - October 24th 2016, 11:44 PM

I don't really think there is a "normal" way to grieve. Sure, there are similar feelings with grief, but no two situations are entirely the same and everyone grieves differently.

It's really amazing that you had Shadow as a support and another reason to live. Pets are great companions and are often very intuitive to their family's needs. However, it might help if you try to work on new reasons to wake up in the morning. For instance, you might want to live for Shadow instead of looking at the loss as one less reason to live. You can also make different reasons, no matter how big or small, to make living worth it. For example, maybe you're looking forward to Christmas or hanging out with your friend.

It seems like your mom and friend's remarks are frustrating you. Maybe you can talk to them and tell them what they can do or say to make you feel better? They themselves might not know how to act, and letting them know what you need can help you feel a little better.

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Re: They Don't Understand. - October 25th 2016, 09:47 AM

Losing a pet can be an incredibly difficult time, and there is no 'normal' way to deal with it. Shadow sounds like an amazing cat, and I'm truly sorry for your loss. Of course you can never replace him, but you can try living every day in the knowledge that he won't be there anymore, but also in the aim to try and live it for Shadow instead. Acceptance is one of the hardest parts of grief, and no one is expecting you to get over your loss just like that. Take some time, go to the grave and spend some time with him like you used to. And I really think communication with your friend and family is important. Let them know how you feel about it, as they will want to help you through it. Maybe they just don't understand how much Shadow meant to you, and trying to verbalise that to them might enable the, to help you and comfort you better.

I'm am truly sorry for your loss, and my thoughts are with you.

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Re: They Don't Understand. - October 31st 2016, 10:58 AM

I lost a dog when I was younger so I know how you feel. Pets can be great for support, its hard being without them, its been years since my dog died but it still hurts even to this day. PM me if you need anything, I am willing to listen.
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