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Death and Grieving Coping with loss is difficult at any age, but you are not alone during this difficult time. Reach out to other users in this forum.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
fallingstargirl Offline
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Name: Estelle
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Just rambling - January 27th 2017, 11:45 PM

My mom has been on the phone with her siblings for the last half hour and I can't hear what she's saying but I can tell it's something with her mom, she has alzheimer's and it's been getting worse. I heard my mom telling her sister that she's trying to book a flight for tomorrow to go see my grandmother and that's making me think this is worse than usual, she never flies at such short notice, and I don't think she would unless it was something really serious.

I just feel so awful sitting here and doing nothing, but at the same time, there's nothing I can do. This is so selfish, but I just... don't want someone to tell me the news that she's passed away or something. I don't want to have to react to it. I just don't want to be here when my mom or my dad has to tell me something, I don't want to hear my mom or my dad or my brother react. And I shouldn't even be thinking about myself right now, this is so much worse for my mom and my aunt and uncle, but I just can't do this right now. I don't want to have to think through this or react to any news, because what if I react wrong? What if I don't look upset enough? This is really upsetting, but it's not at all surprising at this point. I feel like if someone tells me that something happened I'll just sit there and nod and look I don't care or something. And I'm too busy to take time to think through this, I have to work this weekend and I have to run and I have finals next week so I'm already stressed. And my brother keeps coming in and bothering me and I know he probably just wants to talk to someone right now but I'm so not in the mood.

I don't know. I just wanted to vent this somewhere. I'm trying to distract myself, but I feel like I'm supposed to be thinking through it. I just can't.



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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Just rambling - January 28th 2017, 10:16 AM

Hey Estelle,
This cannot be easy for you. It must be really horrible, and I'm so sorry you have to go through this.
Now, everyone reacts differently. That doesn't mean you're not feeling sad or feeling the loss; it just emphasises the fact that you're not your mum, dad, brother or anyone else. You are you, and you have the right to react in the way that works for you. There is nothing wrong if you don't react. Its just your way. Don't let this get to you, because its not true.
Do you think you could perhaps talk to your brother and tell him that you're really stressed at the moment but will talk to him when you feel better?
Again, I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. My inbox is always open in case you want to talk.

Tort


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Re: Just rambling - January 30th 2017, 09:21 PM

Hey,

Here's the thing: people respond to grief differently. Your family will almost certainly not be paying attention to whether you're reacting ''appropriately'' (which is basically a non-issue anyway because there's no "wrong"' or ''right'' way to grieve). They'll be too focussed on their own feelings to be analysing your words or actions, so you shouldn't need to feign any emotions or fake any reactions. Whatever you're feeling, however you express it - it's fine. It's what's right for you, like Tort said.

As for what you can do now, as selfish as it sounds, you need to put yourself first. Although your family will likely be upset and maybe some members, like your brother, will try to talk to you about it, you can't do any good for them if you're not taking care of yourself first. Even if you feel like you're too busy to deal with this, there's always time. For example you could set aside a few minutes each day to write out your thoughts and feelings so at least they're not just swimming around inside your brain. You can think about the situation when you're running, or while you're brushing your teeth, or on your way home from work. You don't have to sit and ponder and grieve for long periods of time; sometimes a few minutes here and there is enough. I don't think it's disrespectful to the dead to postpone thinking of them or dealing with your grief, if that's what you need. You don't have to grieve all at once, or openly, or with other people; the little moments are important too.

I hope this helped a little bit. My main point is, just remember that you can grieve at your own pace and in your own way. Even if people around you seem to be dealing with it differently, that doesn't meant the way you're doing it is any less valid. Just do whatever feels right for you, regardless of what other people are doing or what you think you should be doing. Try not to internalise it too much because that will just add more stress to the whole situation.


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Re: Just rambling - February 5th 2017, 08:01 PM

Hey

Thank you for coming here, even if it was for a vent and rant. It can feel so good to get things of our chests are share the problem that we're going through and we're always here to help too.

Thing is, different people grieve in different ways and there is no right or wrong way to grieve either. Don't feel like you should feel and act one way because there is no one way to respond to losing a loved one. And it is completely okay for you to think about yourself in this too because you are also important.

I can relate that knowing someone you love is going to pass on is hard but it is fine for you to manage it in your own way and for you to feel however you feel about it. Just remember if you struggle to not be alone. You are loved and people care about you so don't ever be alone!

Hope and wishes
Jessie


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Josie 12/3/2014, always in my heart. Sue 19/2/2016; Peter, Ellie, Hannah, Andy, Kirtsie RIP.

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Re: Just rambling - February 8th 2017, 04:15 AM

I have no words to comfort you. Hope you feel better soon.
   
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