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Death and Grieving Coping with loss is difficult at any age, but you are not alone during this difficult time. Reach out to other users in this forum.

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I miss my dad... - February 15th 2017, 05:11 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

On June 23rd, 2007 my father took his own life. I was told at the time that he had a heart attack and then when I was about 12 years old and started to have thoughts of death upon myself also I was told the truth. My dad killed himself. He was depressed, very. He was such a wonderful man. I remember how nice and how funny he was. How talented.... he was involved with a woman (not my mother) who wasn't a good person at all. She did drugs, slept around, probably was a prostitute, I dont know I just know she was horrible. I went to my dad's grave yesterday for the second time, I only have gone twice and it kills me that I only have gone twice and the last time was a year ago. I have been missing him so so much lately. Idk. It sucks. I asked my mom on the way to the cemetary which is about an hour away from home "Did he ever write any sort of note?" I knew that somehow people knew to give his instruments to me which were stolen by the fucked up woman and probably sold for drug money. Well, my mom said there was a note. All it said was "be sure that sara gets the instruments".. my birth name is Sara so obviously it meant me. Hearing this made me cry even harder because I knew he cared. For some reason I always thought i was the reason for his suicide or something... I didn't know. But when my mom told me that I felt like I knew it wasnt my fault. It wasn't at all, I dont know why he did it but I so wish he never did. He took every single pill he owned. ALL of his anti-depressants, anti-psych, every single medicine he could get a hold of. That is what I was told, there would have been no saving if this was the case and if there was it would be a fucking miracle. Literally. 1000s of MG of many medicines, who could ever survive that. Probably more than a few thousands... at least 15,000. I dont know. But I know that i miss him so much. It makes me so sad to know hes not here. I dont know what to do. My mom almost took me to crisis yesterday bc of the fact I was so depressed and sad but instead she took me to his grave which of course helped more than putting me back in a mental hospital. I know I'll be okay, but sometimes I dont know if I will at the same time.
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Re: I miss my dad... - February 16th 2017, 09:07 AM

This sounds really hard mate. Its never easy losing a parent, and the circumstances are really horrible. Something that really stands out to me is that you know that he really loved you. That is something you should hold on to. Remember that no matter what, you will always be your father's child.
Having days where you feel sad is totally normal. End of the day, we are humans, and we have emotions. Sometimes they tend to come out after you think you've had closure. Its great visiting your father's grave helped. Don't feel guilty about not having gone multiple times. I don't know if you believe in an afterlife, but in case you do, I'm sure he is looking down at you and certainly understands you had your reasons for not going. Since you said that visiting the grave helped you, do you think you could talk to your mother about perhaps visiting it a bit more often? Perhaps just go on the weekends or something?
Its normal to feel overwhelmed and not know what to do. Something that I've found to be helpful is doing some breathing exercises. That brings me back to the present moment and I'm able to look at the same situation without being overwhelmed. I know how you're feeling, and that is something I use. Also, if you are meeting a therapist, it may be a good idea to tell them that you are feeling sad about everything that is going with regards to your father. They might be able to provide you with some strategies that help you.
I hope this helps a bit.
Stay strong mate, things will get better.
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Re: I miss my dad... - February 17th 2017, 12:53 AM

You're right in that his death was not your fault. Suicide is a choice and you did not make that choice for your father. He made it for himself and I can't imagine how difficult that must feel for you.

As someone above me said, he did love you. Out of all the things he could have said in that note, he addressed the information about the instruments to you and that really says something about his love for you.

I like the idea of asking to visit the grave more often. Maybe the next time you visit the grave, you can bring paper and a peeled crayon to rub over the gravestone. Then you'll have a little piece of him to look at when you're at home. Have you ever considered writing a letter to your dad? It might help to write to him and get everything out that you've been wanting to say. You could write him once or regularly; as often as you'd like to get things out of your head.

You said you know you'll be okay but sometimes you don't know if you'll be okay. I don't think the pain of losing someone ever leaves completely, it might lessen over time though. Try to take things one day at a time right now. And if that's too much, take it an hour or a minute a time if you have to.

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