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Death and Grieving Coping with loss is difficult at any age, but you are not alone during this difficult time. Reach out to other users in this forum.

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Question Am I Wrong For Feeling This Way? - June 13th 2017, 01:39 PM

I don't know how to start .. My father passed away in March of this year, and it has been difficult here without him, because it's just me and my mom. Everyday, I think about all the experiences and things that I've had with him. Just flashbacks, and sometimes I get really upset when I really think about all the things he didn't get to see me do. I graduated this year in May, and it was tough that he wasn't there for that..

Here's where the part I don't quite understand comes in ..: My sister is pregnant with her third child is she is constantly upset by the fact that he won't be here to see her third child. I understand that yes, she has a right to be upset and grieve at her own pace. However it sort of angers me that she is constantly sobbing about it when lever Dad comes up in a conversation, it seems like. I can't help but think "Okay, well at least he was here for most of your life. He was here for your other two children, your sister's two children, he saw you get married, graduate college, and everything else. He didn't even make it to my high school graduation, my life is really just beginning and my father is gone." It's probably wrong that I feel that way, but I can't help it. It's just how I feel.
I talked to my boyfriend about it, and he suggested that I talk to my mom about how I was feeling, and I brought this up to her and she tells me to hush... I don't know about anything anymore. I mean, my sister was their favorite child anyway. The one with her junk together, good family, good job, has a house of her own ..

I just want other people's opinions, because I don't quite understand my own feelings. I hope you all don't think I'm aa bad person because I feel this way.

(Extra info; I'm the youngest (18) with older twin sisters (29))
   
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Re: Am I Wrong For Feeling This Way? - June 14th 2017, 11:25 PM

Hey,

Grief hits us all in different ways and we all grieve for ones we love at very different paces, and to be honest, emotions are crazy after we lose someone. It's quite normal I think, to envy the fact that you sister got to spend a lot more time with your dad than you did. You wanted him to be present for key moments in your life and that's natural because you loved him, so it's hard when someone else did get that. It doesn't make you a bad person. I promise.

But remember, your sister lost her dad too. He was there for certain bit events but he will miss other big ones too and it's never easy to look at a future without a person you love in it. If she cries about things, then it's a part of her grieving process. It's hard to not be angry or upset because she's grieving differently to you, but remember that all in all, you both lost someone you love, and the best way to deal with that is by doing it together. It's ok to be at different stages. You may not cry so much even if she does, and your emotions may be more scattered and even entirely different to hers. It's all ok. Grief isn't a natural thing. Losing someone hurts us all in different ways and there isn't a right way to cope with it, even if it's not your way.

You could try bringing it up with your sister. Try to avoid saying "at least he was there for this when he won't be there for me", and look more at the things you DID get to share with him. Are there any family holidays you can reminisce about? A particular joke he said that made you both laugh? Maybe you can get out some old family albums and look at those together and find a way to remember him that doesn't hurt quite so much. You can't force the pain to go away. The fact it's there and you cry for him is good because it means you loved him and he's worth missing. But, it's ok to be happy too. To be happy about the things you did get to share with him, while also being sad that there are things he won't get to see. Your sister will see you graduate college if you go. She will see you have a family. Your mum/other relatives will be there for those things so make the time you have with them count. Make more memories so that when you look back, they're not all sad.

Losing someone is hard, and I'm so sad that you've had to lose someone so so important. I wish I had something to make it easier, but in reality, you never really 'get over' something like this. You learn to live. You learn to adapt. It takes some people longer than others, but that's ok. Support each other, and you can get through this, ok?


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Re: Am I Wrong For Feeling This Way? - June 15th 2017, 12:12 AM

Firstly, welcome to Teenhelp!
I am very sorry about your loss. It isn't easy losing someone. Let alone dealing with family members during this time. Everything can be heitened at this time so things that seem like petty commemts or wrong to feel are important to you and that's okay. It isn't wrong to feel the way you do. A lot of things can trigger emotions and whrn your sister gets upset over her third baby, you don't even have your first. I can understand how these thoughts are upsetting. Do you feel like you have a space to openly express your feelings at home and bring up your own challenges or does it seem like you're left out and the attention is on your sister who is pregnant who is also the favored one?
Sometimes when we are invalidated, the envy is directed at the person receiving more attention. I know on a smaller scale, I get jealous when both my sister and I suffer in similar ways but we are treated differently, such that my family members give my sister more care but might tell me invalidating statements like "grow up" or "you're not a baby anymore" and in turn I get upset at my sister and there's tension with her. It doesnt help that she might additionally repeat some of the invalidating comments said by others. The thing is, whatever sibling relationship you had before losing your father, might be exacerbated becsuse now there's this trauma and trauma can pressure and strain relationships even more than it was.
Does this seem to be the situation for you at all? I may be off so feel free to tell me your thoughts on this and whether it resonates with you.
Hollie gave some great suggestions and ideas. I wanted to chime in becsuse as someone who lost her mother 1 week after turning 6, I can relate to that envy and saying "at least..." I can understand that, you are 11 years apart from your twin sisters. That's a lot more time. I am 5 years apart from my older sister and I feel similar. It is a common feeling to have. I know some people can relate to this too. And it doesn't help that people make remarks perpetuating the idea that the older siblings suffer more. Again, I'm not sure if you've been told this or growing up you've been taught certsin invalidating messages. But know, your pain is real and not having a father to be there for your graduation is incredibly rough. Not having a father to see the third child is incredibly rough too. Neither is better or harder or worse. It just is.
The thing about grief is that it can follow you starting from when the loss began. So for me, it started at around age 4.5 when I stopped seeing my mother regularly. At age 5, I left a country and went to a new country. At age 6, I began school for the very first time. At age 10 I was beginning puberty etc and at each milestone and life stage, my mother not being with me hurts and it gets to be an emotional time. I don't know if you celebrate father's day, but that's coming up. And that can affect a lot of people, perhaps that's where your sister might be talking about her children not having a grandfather or for her not having a father to have certain fatherly "moments".
For you, it is your graduation. You've just finished a milestone in your life. You'Re about to start a new milestone. You're an adult now. You're in that awkward transition of being a teenager yet being an adult.
I hear how hard this must be. And sometimes whe we are emotional we don't want to hear about other people complaining. Especially if it is about the same person.
I think one way to overcome this is to acknowledge that you and your family are sharing a loss but do not have to grieve in the same way. So instead of each of you grieving alone and in silence, speaking about your father with family members can help becsuse all of you know him but have had different relationships with him. It is sort of like a jigsaw puzzle and each of you have a piece.No piece is more important than the other pieces. But coming together can make certsin stories clique really nicely. Like if you have experienced that both you and your sister had eith your father. Any shared memory can be a way to reflect on things together with your sister and appreciating those moments. Then from there you can tale turns talking about memories you've had separately with your father. She might talk about something about her first two children. But there may be something you remember that she wasn't around for but you had with you and your dad when your sister had already moved out by then.
It's also okay if you're not feeling ready to talk to her about this vulnerable topic but it is a thought.
   
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Re: Am I Wrong For Feeling This Way? - June 26th 2017, 10:37 PM

just to start with saying my own dad died this april and i do my best to remember him in a good way, but there has been those felt let down moments or remembering the times when we couldnt see eye to eye, so to speak

for years id been wanting to return to college just like he also hoped i would and i wanted to make him proud and it will always suck in a way that i never managed it while he was still alive
   
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