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Death and Grieving Coping with loss is difficult at any age, but you are not alone during this difficult time. Reach out to other users in this forum.

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Is there a limit to how long I'm allowed to grieve. - October 22nd 2017, 11:58 PM

I lost my mother very suddenly when I was almost nine. It's been more than four years.
And I still haven't been able to move on.
She's gone, and I don't want her to be. She was everything and more to me, and I never realized until it was to late. I never thanked her, not nearly enough.
And I feel so bad because she never even got to see her little girl turn ten. She never got to see me play volleyball. She never got to see me play saxophone.
I never got to play saxophone with her.
And just writing this, I'm in tears.
I'm such a wreck. People look at me and see this innocent girl, and I don't know how to show them that inside I...I don't know anymore.
It's been four years, but it feels like when I was younger I never properly grieved. I pushed it off.
Because her death still doesn't feel real.
I want her back. And I can't stop thinking about it.
I also had to recently leave my best friends back in Colorado, and I've come to realize they were the only thing filling the hole left by my mother. I'm still in contact with them...but it's never enough.
Is there a limit to how long I'm allowed to grieve? Because people always say when ever I bring this up, "Four years? Get over it."
I can't even bring myself to talk to my dad about it. I don't think he understands how much I miss home. And I'm terrified that I'll be bullied here for being bisexual.
I started self harming myself on one leg to get through it.
I don't even understand what's in my head anymore. My thoughts just seem so...I don't know.
It's more than my mother's death, but that is what it all spirals from. Anything that reminds of her sends a stab of pain to my heart. And any momentous moment is hard because she doesn't get to see it. Even things that bring me joy, like playing saxophone, can remind me of her.
Help. I'm afraid of what's in my own head. And I can't get over the death of my mother, even though I'm fourteen now. I should be able to handle myself.
But I can't.
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Re: Is there a limit to how long I'm allowed to grieve. - October 23rd 2017, 12:42 AM

Hello and thank you for sharing this with us. You did a wonderful job telling us about this.
When you have lost someone and it doesn't matter how long it has been it does take time. And everyone is different, everyone is going to feel like they are going through this different ways and that is already because you are allowed to feel whatever you need to feel. And you can take as long as you need too, and I am sorry that you are still hurting. You can tell some stories about her to other people in you're family to try and help you feel better. It will take some time, but you will soon be ok. But please don't be too hard on yourself, and try and do something that you enjoy doing. Put on a funny movie or TV show to make you laugh and to help pick you up. You can also writing a letter to get all of you're feeling out can also help you too.

I hope that you will be ok soon, lot of hugs.
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Re: Is there a limit to how long I'm allowed to grieve. - October 24th 2017, 05:06 AM

Hey there,

There is not a time period on grief. No one can say how long it will take for someone to get to a place where they do not struggle as strongly with the death. I, personally, don't think a person ever gets over losing a loved one. I think that with time they learn to live without that person and it doesn't hurt as much to think about them etc. However, I think there are still times when the person will think a lot about the person they lost.

My dad lost his mom when he was seven and he still struggles with her death. He struggled a lot with the fact that she missed out on so much. I know, as he got older he said that he didn't struggle as much but there were certain times when things would be worse. For him, things tend to be a bit more difficult during this time of year. He doesn't like the holiday season and the fact that he didn't have his mom to celebrate with ended up making things harder.

Back in 2003 my family also lost my aunt. I know that I do not struggle as much with her death as I once did but there are times when I think about her. This month is her birthday month as well and so she tends to get mentioned around this time. That also makes things a tad bit more difficult.

So, the fact that you are still grieving is not a bad thing. One thing I would suggest is for you to look into any types of grief groups that might be available for teens. I volunteer for a grief group in my city and we work with kids 4-18 and they tend to really enjoy it. Also, there are kids who have recently lost someone or experienced the death a few years ago. Hopefully if you could find something in your city you would meet other children who have gone through similar things.

I hope that things start to improve for you. If you need anything please feel free to message me as well.

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Re: Is there a limit to how long I'm allowed to grieve. - October 24th 2017, 12:17 PM

As it has been said, there’s no time limit on grief. Everyone grieves in their own way, and in their own time. You can grieve as long as necessary; grief may never completely stop. It does lessen, but it can remain.

Trying to find support through a support group as previously mentioned is a good idea. Do you have counselors at your school? You could consider talking to one of them about how you’re feeling. If you feel comfortable asking your dad, you could ask him to see a counselor if that is an option to you.

Regardless of whether or not you’re religious, maybe you could think of a positive place where your mom currently is? Some people take comfort in thinking of a place where their loved one is and knowing that they are watching them.

Allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling and to express those feelings in a healthy way. Crying can be uncomfortable but it is a good release. You could continue to post here on TeenHelp, as writing about how you’re feeling can be very helpful. You could talk to someone you trust or distract yourself with something pleasant.

Know that we are here for you.

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