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Death and Grieving Coping with loss is difficult at any age, but you are not alone during this difficult time. Reach out to other users in this forum.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Dust and Ash

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Anniversary - April 23rd 2018, 04:14 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of death or grieving, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Today would have been her 21 birthday.

I met her back in 6th grade. 3-4 years ago. I was about 12 and she was 17. I met her online and we became very close within weeks. We facetimed almost every day after school. She was like a big sister to me. One day she messaged me saying that she had something important to say.

She was being hospitalized for an overdose and her heart was having problems that could be fatal. She was in so much pain, and I cried when she told me.

But that wasn't even half of it.

She had clinical depression and PTSD from major childhood abuse, and other mental health problems. She would have periods of being hysterical and just crying for no reason, and one day she went as far as to shave her hair. I grew increasingly worried, and my fears were slowly starting to come alive. She stopped eating, and she stopped facetiming me. Slowly she grew distant.

And that was when all hell broke loose for our friend group.

She stopped talking to everyone. She never was online. We were constantly messaging her to see if she would reply. Nothing.

Then we saw her online one day, but she sent a message to all of us.

It was her mom. Her mom said that our friend - my sister - unplugged the plugs helping her keep stuff down and breathe, and was gone. I felt like I just lost my heart. I cried nonstop. Our friend group was absolutely devastated. Although we lived in different cities, we still found ways to remember her. I made a memorial out by a lake where I used to live.

And we made an online memorial for her. We made an account to remember good times, and so people can leave messages for her. We made edits of our pictures, and we each wrote poems about her.

And today is her birthday. 4 years went by so fast... I think about her everyday, but I don't tell anyone because I feel like they won't understand. It hurts still, but I try to be the girl she always said I can be. She was the reason I decided to start writing poems and to draw. She was so artistic, she could easily win 1st place in an art show.

I love her still, and I remember how she looked and sounded. I swear she was an angel. But now she is gone, and I have nothing but memories left of her.

Sometimes I wonder if she would be proud of who I am today. I wonder if she would recognize me or even remember our secret code, or all the secrets we shared and the pain we endured as her health deteriorated.

I think the one thing that will never escape me is her kindness. She would have been a lovely addition to this site, if she was alive. She would not stop until she knew someone would be okay, and she did things to make others smile. Heck, she would have hilarious stories to share too.

I still cry over what happened. She never deserved to go that way. She still had to go to culinary school, get married, have girls nights, and own 5 dogs. She planned her life out. But she couldn't take it anymore. The pain was too much. I wish I could've said something to make her realize that the pain won't last forever. I do blame myself for her death, and I regret not dedicating for time to her.

Even now it is hard to not choke up, curl up into a ball, and cry.

I just thought it would be nice to remember her and post this about her. God... I wish you all could've met her.


When the world drags you down, roll over and smell the roses.

Last edited by Unidentified~Unicorn; April 24th 2018 at 02:02 PM.
   
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Golfing girl Offline
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Re: Anniversary - April 23rd 2018, 05:33 PM

Hi,
I am so sorry that you are having a hard time with this. I hope that you will be okay soon. Hugs.
When we have lost someone it is not a good feeling to have. And it does not matter how long that person has been gone for, you will always think about them and all of the things that you did together. It is good to remember them.

I think that it is wonderful that you we're about to share memories about her with other people. Try and do something today for yourself if you can. For example going for a walk, or reading a book or if you want to be by yourself somewhere or putting on a funny TV show or getting you're favorite drink to help pick you up. Or if you want to be around someone to help you or try talking with someone if you can, a family member too if you would like to. Just because they are not with you does not mean that you have to forget about them. You can have pictures of them and a memory book that you can look at all of the time to remember them and help you too. I hope that you will be okay soon. Hugs.
   
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Dust and Ash

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Re: Anniversary - April 23rd 2018, 08:26 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Golfing girl View Post
Hi,
I am so sorry that you are having a hard time with this. I hope that you will be okay soon. Hugs.
When we have lost someone it is not a good feeling to have. And it does not matter how long that person has been gone for, you will always think about them and all of the things that you did together. It is good to remember them.

I think that it is wonderful that you we're about to share memories about her with other people. Try and do something today for yourself if you can. For example going for a walk, or reading a book or if you want to be by yourself somewhere or putting on a funny TV show or getting you're favorite drink to help pick you up. Or if you want to be around someone to help you or try talking with someone if you can, a family member too if you would like to. Just because they are not with you does not mean that you have to forget about them. You can have pictures of them and a memory book that you can look at all of the time to remember them and help you too. I hope that you will be okay soon. Hugs.
Thank you so much. I've been listening to music and doing my school work, and when I get home I plan on taking a walk. I've confided in a few friends of mine, and I'm gonna talk to my boyfriend about today, and see if he'd like to help me put together a scrap book in honor of my friend's birthday.
I know I'll be okay. Just kind of hurts, you know? Like a reminder that she is gone. I never forget anything about her.

And you know, today also reminds me of a motto on my favorite tv show. It is, "Memento Mori." It is latin for "Remember, you will die."

It is strange because it seems like a fearful motto, and it the show it is, but it has a whole new meaning for me. It reminds me that every day should be cherished and to treat everyone kindly, because anything can happen and someone can be gone in an instant. I'm cherishing my memories with my best friend, and hopefully I'll be able to see her in another life.


When the world drags you down, roll over and smell the roses.
   
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Re: Anniversary - April 24th 2018, 03:07 AM

Hi there,

I am so sorry to hear.

If you ever need to talk, I'm always here to listen.


   
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Dust and Ash

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Re: Anniversary - April 24th 2018, 01:52 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Freedom. View Post
Hi there,

I am so sorry to hear.

If you ever need to talk, I'm always here to listen.
Thank you so much


When the world drags you down, roll over and smell the roses.
   
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