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Death and Grieving Coping with loss is difficult at any age, but you are not alone during this difficult time. Reach out to other users in this forum.

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Scared to visit his grave - May 14th 2018, 03:01 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of death or grieving, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

My great-granddad died two years ago. I always called him ĎGranddadí, just for future reference. Iíd been to funerals before but his death was the first time Iíd ever lost a family member I really knew and was fairly close to. The anniversary (is that the right word?) of his wifeís death is coming up...I never knew her but my mom was extremely close to her. She wants to go put flowers on her Grandmaís grave this Friday and she wants me to come too. Iím just really scared and I know itís probably stupid...my Granddad is buried right next to his wife and my mom said weíll go visit his grave too, weíll give him a flower out of the bunch. And I just feel like I canít. Like obviously, I will go but Iím scared. I just donít want to see the tombstone with his name on it...I donít know itís hard thinking that all thatís left is just a rock. Iím crying right now and we still have 3 days until we go. From memory, I think his grave also has a little photo of him on it and I just donít know if I can handle it.

Itís hard thinking that heís dead. I didnít even know if I could type the phrase ďheís dead.Ē Because it doesnít feel real. I thought it would by now. I donít think Iíve ever properly mourned because I just canít accept it, I donít think about him being dead. I didnít cry at the funeral, I felt kind of numb because again, it didnít even feel like real life. I tried to comprehend it and accept the finality of it all but I couldnít. Even today, my mom said ďWeíll go visit Grandma and Granddad at the cemetery.Ē And I immediately thought, ďBut Granddadís not dead.Ē Then, it hit me and I just wanted to argue with myself. I still couldnít believe it.

I think what Iím most scared of right now is breaking down and crying when we get there. And it shouldnít be something to be ashamed of but I hate crying in front of other people. I hate crying in general but I do it all the time, it feels like Iím so weak and I canít handle anything. I also just donít like people making a fuss over me or feeling bad for me, Iíd rather be alone with my thoughts. And Iím scared to see his tombstone, Iím used to seeing Grandmaís because she died before I was born but I donít want to remember Granddad this way. I donít want to think of him as being gone.

Is this normal? Because heís been gone for just about two years now and Iím still stuck in the ďdenialĒ stage of grieving. I donít know if Iíll ever get out of it. Is there any way to make the visiting easier or do I just have to deal with it? And is there any way to prevent myself from crying, like any tricks? Iíd be okay with crying in private but I just donít want to in front of my parents...
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Re: Scared to visit his grave - May 14th 2018, 03:41 PM

Hi. Im so sorry for your loss. I lost my grandma in 2014 and to this day it doesn't feel real. She was everything to me and practically raised me. My mom used to beat me and starve me. She doesn't have a grave because they got her cremated. Her ashes are at my grandpas house though and it is still hard going there and not seeing her. You are not weak for crying or not wanting to cry. I know your scared but the best way to remember them is to remember the good times. My grandma and I used to make homemade tortillas. Now I cook her favorite recipes to remember her. There has to be something that he loves that you could carry on. Its going to be hard but you can go there and talk to him and I don't know if you believe in that sort of stuff but he will hear you. I am not very religious but talking to my grandma i always feel like she's watching over me.

Best of luck.
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Re: Scared to visit his grave - May 14th 2018, 06:43 PM


I am so sorry that you are having a hard time and I am also sorry about you're loss and I hope you will be okay soon. When you have lost someone you can always feel different types of feelings then someone else. And that is totally fine, everyone is going to feel, think and do different types of things and that is okay. You do what you need to do to help you to be okay with this.

Also you said that you did not cry at the funeral, some people do and some people do not. It is all up to the person and it is totally fine again to feel however you feel. When you go and put flowers down for them and if you cry it is okay, do not be so hard on yourself. It is good to cry because it let's out different emotions and helps you to start to feel a little bit better.
After you go and put the flowers down try and do something to help you to be okay, going for a walk or reading or drawing or putting on a funny movie or show or calling a friend or anything else that you like to do. You can also write a letter and put everything in it how you are feeling and then when you are done rip it up and put it in the garbage. I hope that you will be okay soon. Lots of Hugs.

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