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Death and Grieving Coping with loss is difficult at any age, but you are not alone during this difficult time. Reach out to other users in this forum.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Kate* Offline
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Grandma's Gone - September 28th 2018, 12:10 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I've posted many threads here chronicling my frustration with my grandma. We knew she would probably go soon, but it happened very suddenly and she died around 5AM this morning. We rushed to the hospital when I finished work at 8 and they withdrew care beyond comfort measures (per her DNR) around 9 and said they couldn't tell us how long it would be. Those of us who chose, or needed to leave were gone by 2:30, and the rest stayed.

I thought considering my constant frustration with her behavior and fight for boundaries and "tough love", I would feel guilty when she died, but I don't. I made the best decision I could based on the information I had at the time, my decisions did not influence the timing or the outcome, and I was there in her final hours (though I'd prefer not to remember her that way.)

I do get bereavement time off work, but given the timing, I probably won't use it. If I take the days, I'll have to help clean out her house, I feel better going to work, having a distraction, and being out of everyone's way. The funeral is expected to be on one of two days in a row I was already given off next week. If I need time beyond that, I have it. I don't think this is selfish and it's not out of spite or anything like that, I want to make things as easy on my mom as I possibly can as far as transporting me back and fourth.

Now we see what happens to the extended family which has been falling apart for years. We were all worried about what her death would mean for us. It will either bring us back together, or be the final straw. Of course there's drama already, but I hope that eventually calms down once the emotions are settled and her affairs have been handled.

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Re: Grandma's Gone - September 28th 2018, 12:47 AM

Hi Katie,
I am so sorry for you're lost. I hope that you will be okay soon. It is okay to feel different types of things right now and if you do not want to take time off of work you do not have to. You do what you need to do to help you to be okay. If that is going to work and not thinking about this, then you can do that. Or if you do want to take some time off from work you can do that and try to do something to help you to be okay. Or try doing something to help you out some. For example, going for a walk or putting on music or funny movie's or TV show that will make you laugh some. Or if you want to read for a while or go see a friend and you can talk to them about this or you do not have to. You can try talking to you're family if you want to and see what memories they all have and you can talk about this. Sometimes this can help being around other people who are hurting too.

Also if you want to you can try writing down how you feel or writing about this and it can get out a lot different emotions and it can help you to feel a little bit better. When you are going to the funeral, can you sit with you're family so that they can help support you through this. And it does not matter how long you are grieving for. I hope you will be okay soon. Sending you Hugs.

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Re: Grandma's Gone - September 28th 2018, 12:53 PM

Sorry to hear about your grandma. I think it's understandable that with all the struggles you had with her, that you would assume you would feel guilty when the time came. Though it also makes sense that you don't actually feel guilty as well given the straining relationship.

Working can be a good distraction, and it's not selfish or out of spite. Not everyone has great relationships with family, and when there is a death, everyone is affected differently and deals with it accordingly.

I hope there isn't much drama and that things settle down soon. Hope you are okay too

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Re: Grandma's Gone - September 29th 2018, 05:52 AM

I am so so sorry for your loss. I am here if you need to talk. You are not alone and sending you much love.
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Re: Grandma's Gone - September 29th 2018, 07:27 PM

I'm sorry for your loss, Kate. I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to carry on with your business, especially if you had a strained relationship with your grandmother. This does not make you a bad person. If, at a later time, you do feel struck with grief, it will be fine to reach out to those close to you if you need to. There is no rule saying you must grieve at so and so time, but can't begin to grieve after so and so time.
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Re: Grandma's Gone - September 30th 2018, 01:48 AM

Thank you everyone. I did end up taking off my 8-hour shift tomorrow. If you are scheduled to work on the days of the funeral and/or wake, you get them off paid. Since I was not scheduled that day, it was optional, but I get up to 3 paid days. I can barely get through 8-hour weekend shifts under normal circumstances, and after going in the last 2 days, I don't think I'm up for it. 4 days off should be plenty, and if it isn't, I have more.

There is expected drama, this family does not know the meaning of the word LISTEN and really needs to learn how to COMMUNICATE, but other than that it hasn't been too bad.

I know there will be some people missing from the service, mostly out of spite, but if they want to do that, and refuse to let go of things that are ancient history, that's up to them. They're the ones who have to live with the decision not to go and the reputation it will earn them.

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Re: Grandma's Gone - September 30th 2018, 03:14 PM

I'm glad to hear that you were given time off and hopefully it helps. I'm also glad that you are not letting the drama other family members are causing get to you.

You are right, that is their problem, not yours.
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Re: Grandma's Gone - October 2nd 2018, 08:26 PM

Katie, I'm so sorry for your loss. It's never easy to lose someone you love no matter how your relationship was. I hope that you eventually find comfort, but definitely know that we are always here for you <3

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Re: Grandma's Gone - October 11th 2018, 09:53 AM

Hi there Kate,

I am so sorry to hear of your grandma. It's hard losing a family member.

If you ever need anything, I'm here.

I hope you're ok. I know I didn't offer much advice.

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Re: Grandma's Gone - October 12th 2018, 01:57 AM

I am sorry about your grandma. Having a strained relationship makes things complicated but you do what you feel is right for you in regards to taking off as well as overall putting boundaries so as to not get sucked into the drama.

I hope the drama with extended family begins to clear up soon. I also hope you are finding ways to take care of yourself during times of overhwhelm and frustration
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