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Death and Grieving Coping with loss is difficult at any age, but you are not alone during this difficult time. Reach out to other users in this forum.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
~Scooter~ Offline
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Name: Scott
Age: 17
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Putting on a fake smile - December 16th 2018, 01:28 PM

My Mom passed away suddenly from a Brain Aneurysm in early October and it has been a really difficult process for me. I had already lost my Dad at an even younger age while he was in the military so that really adds to it not having a parent at all.

So now I live over 20 hours away in a totally different Province then I grew up in with my Aunt and Uncle and 8 year old Cousin. I lost all my friends from back home. I had to change schools. The only thing I have managed to salvage and that is because my girlfriend is amazing is we are still together and trying this long distance. My Aunt and Uncle are amazing people so that isn't an issue at all. My problem is I find I am always trying to put on this fake smile in front of them and especially my little cousin because they are trying so hard to make me feel better. I also don't want to make my 8 year old cousin sad all the time because I am sad. I really don't know what to do.

I don't have really any friends at my new school at all. I even joined the Ice Hockey team, but it really hasn't helped me gain any friends there or make me any happier. I love playing hockey but most of these kids have been playing together since they were like 5 years old and they just have not accepted me. The coaches are great and everything. If you have ever seen the movie The Mighty Ducks I am the Adam Banks when he joins the Ducks and is not accepted by the team. Even though I am not the hotshot player like Adam Banks was I am just like all the rest of the team.

So I go around with this fake smile to just please others and it is starting to hurt inside. I feel I need to let it out and vent and I was hoping that this place would fill that void for me with friends that I could do just that with. I hope this makes sense.
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Re: Putting on a fake smile - December 16th 2018, 02:38 PM

Hey Scott, I am so sorry for your loss. Moving twenty hours from one province to another to live with family, uprooting your life and everything you've known, leaving your friends behind must be difficult. Do you think you could reach out to those friends you had before and keep in touch with them, whether that's by email, social media, or text messaging?

I'm sorry to hear that you're not being accepted at your new school. Remember, it takes time for people to warm up to someone new. I would suggest taking small steps with small talk amongst your classmates. Perhaps discuss the homework assignment. It has only been a couple months since you've moved there, and as you said, it seems like a close-knit school. Let them get to know you a little bit.

You've certainly come to the right place to express your feelings and concerns. TeenHelp is a safe environment where you can do that, so feel free to post as much or as little as you need to. You can also utilize resources such as the blogs, LiveHelp, or HelpLINK.
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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
~Scooter~ Offline
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Re: Putting on a fake smile - December 16th 2018, 02:45 PM

I do still contact my friends back home but it is certainly not the same as seeing them everyday at school and playing hockey with my mates and just hanging out. It is far different from that.

I will see how it goes and I have expressed to the coaches how I have felt and they pretty much said the same thing you just said. They said the team are a bunch of good guys and it will just take some time. It is just hard because I had that team back home.
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Re: Putting on a fake smile - December 17th 2018, 08:04 PM

Hello Scott,

I am so sorry for your loss and I hope that you will be okay soon. When we have lost someone it can take time to be okay and start to move on. We will have good and not so great days. On the days that you are having a hard time would you be able to talk to someone about this feeling so that you are not just keeping it to yourself. I know that when we are having a hard time with something sometimes it is hard to just open up about what we are feeling to someone. When we are able to open up to someone else about how we are feeling, it can get some of our hurting out of us and we can start to feel better.

Also try doing something that you enjoy doing that can help pick you up and take your mind off of this for a while. For example try going for a walk and getting out of the house or writing or funny movies and TV shows or reading or music or anything else that you like to do that can help you.

You we're talking about your younger cousin who is eight and you didn't want them to be upset because you are. If they ask you what is wrong you can say that you are missing somebody who passed away a little bit ago and now they are not with you anymore for the holidays. Even though your cousin is younger than you, just have to word it differently for them to understand. Would you be able to make a scrapbook or grab a whole bunch of pictures of the people who passed away and put little messages by the pictures. You can have your aunt, uncle and cousin help you with this.

You we're saying that you joined the hockey team and you do not have a lot of friends and I'm sorry about this also. Would you be able to ask your other teammates if they would like to do something with you so that you are doing something with the other people on the team. Ask them if they would like to go see a movie or play a game or go grab some pizza or something that they are doing and ask if you can join them and see what they say back to you. Also try talking to the other students in your classes and ask if they would like to do something with you too. Also if they're talking about a game or TV show or the weather try and join into the conversation that they are having so that you are talking to other people. You can also ask your teacher when you do group assignments if you can be put in with the other students who are really nice and friendly so that it's easier to talk to them. Then ask them if they would like to do something with you or could you hang out with them and see what they say back to you.

When you are having a hard day you can also try talking to a teacher that's really nice and friendly or the school counselor and letting them know that you need someone to talk to and they can help you out. Or if you have a hard time talking to them you can always write a note to them and give it to them to read and then they can talk to you when they're done reading it. Would you also be able to talk to your aunt and uncle and letting them know that you're having a hard time. See if you, your aunt, uncle and cousin can all go do something together, watch a movie or play game or go grab some pizza or something to get your mind off of this for a little bit. I hope that you will be okay soon.

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Re: Putting on a fake smile - December 24th 2018, 02:24 PM

Scott, I am so sorry for your losses to both of your parents and also having to move such a distance away from where you grew up and gained many friends.

The points that Emma(Golfing Girl) has made are great points. There is nothing wrong about the way you are feeling or grieving. It is certainly your right to grieve. Like Emma stated, I think it is extremely important for you to have "YOU" time alone with taking walks, listening to music, writing, reading. Also as Emma stated, if your 8 year old cousin asks why you are sad do not hide why you are sad. He knew your mom and how close you were and would understand why you were sad. It would be much more painful to you if you kept those feelings inside.

I also agree with Emma about reaching out to your hockey teammates, classmates to try and do things together. I understand this can be quite difficult as you are new at the school and I do not know if you are a introverted type of person or not, but something small just to break the ice as they might just be waiting for that exact same thing as well.

Always utilize the school counselor and teachers at your school and I am not just tooting a horn because I am going for my degree in School Counseling, but they are there to help in these sort of situation.

Good Luck and if you ever need to chat please feel free to message me my name is Tiffany.
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