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Death and Grieving Coping with loss is difficult at any age, but you are not alone during this difficult time. Reach out to other users in this forum.

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ThePunkAlien Offline
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Arrow The one thing I hate about death in a family (just a rant) - June 16th 2009, 10:34 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of death or grieving, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

A couple of months ago my cousin died over Christmas break. She's just a couple of weeks younger than me, thus we were raised together at times since I arrived here.

The death was hard. The aftermath? That's really stressful. My whole family on that side seems to be falling apart.

Over there, her brother blames himself and is kinda going down a bad road. His Mom, my Aunt, became an alcoholic and there's been some marriage problems with my Uncle and her - possible divorce. My Mom's been trying to keep everything under control over there (it's her family).

But, over here my cousin's death also sparked an urge in me to find my birth family. I don't know why it happened, but it's unavoidable now. Maybe it's a search for a kind of security and need to know my purpose or something. Just, I never thought about it before and after she died - all those thoughts came RAGING to the surface. For the first time, I asked myself what I was doing here and didn't feel like I fit in at all. I also know that through searching my own family is going to go through their share of problems trying to adjust to this change that I feel guilty having to put it on everyone now - I want to resist, but I just... I can't...

Basically, the one thing that I hate about a death in a family is it tears everyone apart afterwards! We were all heavily impacted. My cousin's family is shattered and my whole perception of 'reality' went along with it, which will bring about the fall of my own family....

It's just not fair. Everything was working out one second, the next - everything's falling apart around me and somehow I have to remain strong and try to hold things together. But, I can't, I just need my birth parents for some reason that came about after her death. I hate it!

I have an internship coming up in California, I'll be away from home for two months. My Mom's taken aback that I'm not nervous about the internship, but really - I've got a much larger problem I'm trying to deal with now, that any sense of normal fear is... well, overshadowed. The good part in going off over the summer, which I've been looking forward to a lot and haven't told them the real reason is, I'll finally be free to feel everything and try to work everything out in my own life without having to feel guilty for being an extra burden on my adoptive family now. More or less, it's running away from the problems back home to deal with my own broken narrative without the guilt.

The guilt and fear over searching is one thing, add that identity crises onto an already falling apart family - you've also got the guilt of being an unneeded burden. I've never felt so alone here... God, I can't wait to get away.

Anyone that's been through something like this, does it ever get better or is the family more or less in a state of decay from now on?

Last edited by ThePunkAlien; June 16th 2009 at 10:42 PM.
   
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