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Death and Grieving Coping with loss is difficult at any age, but you are not alone during this difficult time. Reach out to other users in this forum.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Hear my whispers in the dark..
Junior TeenHelper
thegirlnextdoor89's Avatar
Name: Jen
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Location: Arkansas

Posts: 221
Join Date: January 16th 2009

How long will it take to feel normal again? - June 29th 2009, 03:36 AM

It's been 3 years, I should be over it right?
My world ended 3 years ago, when my brother got sick and died. He was disabled, and the last couple years of his life, I was a horrible sister. When he got sick, he would scream and scream and scream from the pain, all day and all night. My dad wouldn't learn how to give him his medicine, and my other brother couldn't do it without passing out (he had an IV and Josh isn't very good with needles). So the bulk of the work was on my mom and I, or just me if my mom wanted to leave the house.
I was so angry, I hated him because him being sick was ruining MY life. My dad took his anger out on me, my mom spent months at a time with Justin in the hospital, and Josh hid in his room drunk or high. I was home alone most of the time, fending for myself. We were low on groceries almost all the time, and my dad would tell me to just find something to eat when I babysat. No one knew all the nights that I cried myself to sleep, wishing that I was the one dying.
I shouldn't have blamed Justin, but I did. He couldn't help being sick, but I was so mad that I would yell horrible things to him. I would say that if he didn't stop screaming that mom wouldn't come home. I tried everything to just get away from it all.
Then he died, and all I can remember is how selfish of a person I was. The morning he died, I knew he was dying. I woke up early because I felt like something wasn't right, and I knew. But I was too scared to watch someone die, so I let him die alone. My family doesn't know that, and they talk alot about how they wished he had someone there. They would hate me if they knew. My family talks about him all the time, and I can't stand it. I hate being reminded of it all. Sometimes I want to talk about it though, but I can't talk to anyone. Alot of my friends weren't even around when he died. Only 2 people my age came to his wake. Only one came to the funeral. No one cared how much I was hurting.
I can't talk to anyone, because I should be over it by now. No one would even remember that time in my life. And no one would care. No one would understand why it still hurts.
I miss him. I never say that out loud, because I feel like such a hypocrite. How can I miss someone so much now, that I treated so bad when he was sick...
I feel like I'll never be normal again, like I'll always have this huge gaping hole in my heart. Why does it still hurt this much?

Life isn't about worrying,
That's a waste of time.
And life isn't about being perfect,
It will never happen.
Life is about finding yourself,
And finding people who accept that person.

My PM box is always open!
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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
I dare you.
Average Joe
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Name: Jessica
Gender: Female
Location: At the corner of Ocean and Atlantic.

Posts: 172
Join Date: March 23rd 2009

Re: How long will it take to feel normal again? - June 29th 2009, 04:15 AM

Hey there.

Jen, you're not to blame. It's a huge load to carry, to have someone constantly in need of your attention. Your family put all of their feelings on your heart, and you felt you had nowhere else to turn. Really though, it gets to be A LOT. Even though it's not your fault, if you blame yourself you carry the guilt everyday. I know how that is, and it's excruciating.

For me, it's been almost five years. I'd be more than happy to talk about it through PMs if you'd like to do that.

Take care,

- Jessica.

Baby, there's no gettin' over you.

Take my heart as you head for the door;
I won't be needing it anymore.

Because when it comes to balls, bigger is better.

Last edited by SugarcoatedLetdown17; June 29th 2009 at 04:16 AM. Reason: spelling. eep.
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
*Jen* Offline
keep smiling :-)
Outside, huh?
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Name: Jen
Age: 29
Gender: Female
Location: England

Posts: 3,668
Blog Entries: 211
Join Date: January 6th 2009

Re: How long will it take to feel normal again? - June 30th 2009, 09:10 AM

Hey Jen.

I am really sorry to hear about your loss. It might have been 3 years since you lost your brother but it doesn't mean you should be over. It takes time to move on from losing someone so close. This varies from person to person. Some people would be able to move on faster than others and it does take longer for others to grieve. There is no right or wrong time scale so you shouldn't feel like you should be over it. It sounds like it was a really traumatic experience, which will definitely take time to move on from.

None of this is your fault. You shouldn't blame yourself because you can't be to blame. I know you might have regrets of what you should have done, but you can't change what you have done now. What is done is done so having regrets is only going to hold you back. You will miss him; he was your brother so of course you are going to miss him.

Stay strong. I am here if you ever need anything.
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
Casey. Offline
Dance with me
I can't get enough
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Name: Casey
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Location: Somewhere in my mind

Posts: 2,343
Blog Entries: 337
Join Date: January 6th 2009

Re: How long will it take to feel normal again? - June 30th 2009, 02:46 PM


You can't blame yourself for this dear, it's not your fault.Sometimes we regret the what we said or did, but it's in the past, and we can't change what has happened, we can only learn to live with it.

Everyone moves on at their own speed, there is no right or wrong time.It's been nine years for me, and it still hurts, but remembering the good times, and not the times spent watching him die, often help me.

I guess I'm trying to say that it is not your fault, not at all. If you want to talk about it, feel free to pm me, okay? Stay strong.

She whispered to her own reflection "I will be strong."

"I am not what has happened to me.I am what I have chosen to become."- Carl Jung

"If ye harm none, do as ye wish."

Sometimes things just happen.

Smile through the tears.

PM me

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  (#5 (permalink)) Old
Emzy Offline
Senior TeenHelper
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Name: Emma
Age: 28
Gender: Female
Location: Nottingham

Posts: 814
Join Date: April 16th 2009

Re: How long will it take to feel normal again? - June 30th 2009, 05:37 PM

Don't get yourself down over it. I know it's like impossible, but atleast now Justin isn't in pain, and things will start to feel normal again eventually, soon enough. Don't force yourself to forget him or the situation, because it has made you who you are today and you should be proud of that.

My Grandad died a year ago on the 27th June and I wasn't there when he died and I could of been, the night he died I was meant to go see him on the bus but I got sick and planned to go the following evening, and I get myself so down over that most days (I've never told anyone that!). Just don't let it linger in your mind as it'll just make you feel so much worse.
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