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Death and Grieving Coping with loss is difficult at any age, but you are not alone during this difficult time. Reach out to other users in this forum.

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Gitler Offline
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I never planned for this - July 9th 2009, 07:00 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of death or grieving, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I never planned for this...
I always thought he would be around to see me succeed. It seems I was blind to the obvious fact, no one lives forever.
Two nights ago was the last chance I got to see him alive. I kissed and hugged him goodnight and said "I love you"...I guess that is the least I could have done. In the morning I heard his "significant other" calling to me saying that he wasn't feeling well.
I...blew it off...It had gotten so common for him to visit the hospital due to his health and cancer. I told them that I would visit them after my classes at around three.
Sometime during the ambulance trip he had stroke at eight, there was nothing they could do. He went completely brain dead.

I heard about it about four hours later.
It seemed strange to me. The doctors gave him anywhere from one day to six months to live, yet I went on selfishly thinking that nothing could go wrong.
I bitterly look back at the drive over to the hospital. I didn't cry one bit, more like a semi oblivious state...despite my mom telling me he was brain dead over the phone.

It was not until I actually saw him that I broke down crying.
I have always been told that outwardly I am a fairly emotionless person, but this snapped me.
They kept him on breathers until the five other kids he had could drive down.
I truly understand why he didn't want to be put on life support. I remember him as the tough old salt who loved to explore through the woods and go hiking. His brain dead state made him look small and disheveled
I stared at him for nine hours until the last kid came. I smiled half the time and cried the other half.
I decided to stay in the room when the plug was pulled, happily we went quietly at 10 45 PM July 07

I thought that was the hard part... I was so wrong.
He had six kids and two ex wives and one significant other who all loved him very deeply...and all had an idea of how they thought things should be settled.
Finances, Belongings, Arrangements, Who to call, etc.
I can't say I am a fan of this, I don't think he would approve of most of it.

So I will sit here with my book and remember the better days.

Rest In Peace Dad
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broken-inside Offline
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Re: I never planned for this - July 11th 2009, 08:19 PM

that was very touching and emotional.....

<3 Come What May <3
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soul Offline
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Re: I never planned for this - July 12th 2009, 05:02 AM

Hey Bebo,

First off, I just want to thank you for finding the strength within yourself to share this with us. I can't imagine how much of an emotional toll this must have taken on you just to write it much less live through it. You were able to express yourself so beautifully clear through your writing that I feel as though I can sympathize with the events on a deeper level. My father passed away almost 3 years ago and things are still so difficult in regards to sorting out this estate/belongings not to mention the fact he was the most important person in the world to me. It becomes very easy to focus on the negative or become angry to see people act like animals fighting over a piece of meat that your dad left behind. Focusing on happy memories can be difficult especially when all you can seem to focus on is his death. Finding an outlet to express your emotions is an important part of the coping process. You are a fabulous writer and you might want to consider keeping a journal or a blog to help you release some of your emotions through your writing. Talking to supportive people in your life can also ease the pain of a lose. If you don't have anyone in your life you really feel comfortable discussing your feelings with feel free to PM me and I'll do my best to help. You don't have to go through this alone. I want to congratulate you for being a big enough person to not get involved with everyone else's bickering over assets. I am sure it must be hard to watch your family members tear at each other like this. However, it won't be this painful forever. Things start to get easier to deal with as you come to terms with your emotions and accept that he is physically gone but spiritually he will always be with you. You are strong enough to make it through this. Take care and hang in there.

Lots of love <3 Mimi

As long as we can dream, there will be unicorns.
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